Co-parenting after a divorce or separation By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

Co-parenting after a separation is not easy and tends to take a lot of hard work especially if you have a contentious ex-partner. The key to successful co-parenting is to separate the personal relationship with your ex from the co-parenting relationship. A good way to look at this is that you are starting a completely new relationship with your ex. A relationship that is based around the kids and not the relationship you once had with them. The needs of the kids need to be the priority and you must set your feelings aside. By doing this, you are showing your kids that they are more important than any of the reasons why your relationship didn’t work with the other parent. It will help your kids feel secure, have consistency, understand how to problem solve, model how one can put aside differences for a greater good, and help them be more mentally and emotionally healthier. 
    So how does one successfully co-parent? Below are some tips to help guide you in this new transition. 

• Set aside your anger, hurt and resentment.

Your emotions need to take a back burner to the needs of your kids. This is not to say that you can’t feel hurt or angry but rather they do not need to see these emotions from you regarding the other parent. What’s best for them, is to see you working with the other parent for their best interests. 
In order to manage your own feelings, talk with friends, a mental health profession or support groups. When your feelings flare up, think of your kids or look at pictures of them to help remind you that you are looking out for their best interest. 

• Don’t put your kids in the middle. 

    Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children. Don’t use them as a messenger and never say negative things about your ex in front of them. Remember that your ex, is their parent and they love the other parent despite how they treat them or you. You putting down the other parent makes it seem like they are doing something wrong for loving them. 

• Improve your communication with the other parent. 

    This can be especially challenging, if your ex is not a good communicator or struggles with putting their hurt and anger aside. But make it a goal to conduct yourself in a mature way. 
    When communicating with the ex, keep in mind that you want to go about it in the most non-conflicting manner. It does not have to be in person. It can be via email, phone or text. Set a business like tone, make requests, listen, commit to meeting or talking consistently, keep conversations kid focused and try to solve stress quickly so it doesn’t build up. 

• Co-parent as a team.

    Being consistent in both houses is very beneficial for the children. This is not to say that there will be differences and the children will need to learn some flexibility. However, rules, discipline and schedule need to be the most consistent items.  
    Make important decisions together. This will include medical, educational and kid related financial decisions. There may be times when the other parent is able to afford something that you can’t. Again, don’t focus on how you can’t provide that for your child but rather that your child is able to experience it or have it. 
    Disagreements are bound to happen so set to work on resolving them. Remember to be respectful when talking with your ex, be flexible with schedules, fill the other parent in on information from school or other activities the children do. Keep in mind that even if you both are struggling to agree on a certain topic, it’s still important to keep talking. If needed, get a third party professional to help with facilitating the conversations. 

• Make transitions and visitations easier for the children. 

    Transition back and forth from different houses can be difficult for kids. To help make it easier, make sure to remind them about the transition or visitation, pack in advance and include any special items they may want, and if possible, try to drop off instead of pick up your child. This helps to keep the child from thinking that you are “taking” them away from their other parent. 
    When your child returns to your house, keep things low key to allow your child to get adjusted back to your house. Allow them to have some space if they need it. You can also have a special routine for when they return if they need it. This could be a special meal, game, movie or activity. 

Again, co-parenting is not easy but it’s what’s best for your children. It will take some time to get your feelings under control but the sooner the better it is for your child. No matter what, don’t give up trying to make it work. 

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