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Cyberbullying By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

10/22/2020

In today’s society, the internet and cell phones are used by practically everyone, especially children and teens. There are so many different types of apps, games or social media accounts that put everyone at risk of getting scammed or bullied. Below I’m going to talk about cyberbullying and how to protect your children and teens from it.

What is Cyberbullying?
Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices like a cell phone, computer or tablet. It can occur through SMS, text messages, apps or even online social media, forums or gaming. Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else that causes embarrassment or humiliation. At times, cyberbullying can even cross the line into unlawful or criminal behaviors.

What does it look like?
It’s important to know what cyberbullying looks like so that you can easily recognize it and take action. It’s also important to make sure that your children and teens know what it looks like. Below are some of the most common tactics used.

Posting comments or rumors about someone online that are mean, hurtful, or embarrassing.
Threatening to hurt someone or telling them to kill themselves.
Posing a mean or hurtful picture or video.
Pretending to be someone else online in order to solicit or post personal or false information about someone else.
Posting mean or hateful names, comments, or content about any race, religion, ethnicity, or other personal characteristics online.
Creating a mean or hurtful webpage about someone.
Doxing, an abbreviated form of the word documents, is a form of online harassment used to exact revenge and to threaten and destroy the privacy of individuals by making their personal information public, including addresses, social security, credit card and phone numbers, links to social media accounts, and other private data or other personal characteristics online.

Warning signs a child is being bullied or bullying others:

Noticeable increases or decreases in device use, including texting.
A child exhibits emotional responses (laughter, anger, upset) to what is happening on their device.
A child hides their screen or device when others are near, and avoids discussion about what they are doing on their device.
Social media accounts are shut down or new ones appear.
A child starts to avoid social situations, even those that were enjoyed in the past.
A child becomes withdrawn or depressed, or loses interest in people and activities.

How to prevent and stop cyberbullying:

Talk regularly with your children about online issues. Be specific and let them know that they can come talk to you if they are concerned about something being inappropriate, upsetting or dangerous.
Build trust with your children by setting limits but explaining your reasons for them and discuss rules for safety and Internet use. Get your children involved in establishing the rules so that they are more likely to follow them.
Keep computers in a common area of the home. Monitor their online use.
Learn about the various types of social networking apps and sites. See the link provided. https://www.familyeducation.com/mobile-apps/a-complete-guide-to-potentially-dangerous-apps-all-parents-should-be-aware-of
Tell your children to not respond to any cyberbullying threats or comments. However, make sure they don’t delete any messages. Instead print them out, along with the email addresses or social media handles. This will help prove that there is cyberbullying happening.
If there are threats of physical violence or the bullying continues to escalate, contact law enforcement.
Report cyberbullying on the social media platforms and to schools. Most social media platforms and schools have clear policies and a reporting process.
Don’t over or underreact by either blaming your child or telling them to shrug it off.
Talk to the school’s guidance counselor so they can pay attention to anything happening at school.
Tell your children to not be an accomplice by forwarding messages to other kids.
Set clear expectations with your children about online and messaging behaviors.
Educate your children on the harmful effects of cyberbullying.
Identify which apps are appropriate for your child to use and which are not.

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Breathing to Calm and Feel Better By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

10/15/2020

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Calm breathing helps regulate emotion, lower anxiety, reduce anger, and can help better manage stress. Think about how you breathe when you feel calm and relaxed. Often when a person is feeling calm, breathing is slow and air fills low into the diaphragm. Thoughts are more clear. It is easier to feel present.

Now consider how you breathe when you are angry, upset, anxious, stressed. When people are anxious, angry, or stressed breathing usually becomes faster and is shallow. This type of “chest breathing” can signal a fight or flight response which tells your body that you are in danger. Thinking is not as clear. Behavior is more reactive. It is hard to connect, to learn, to enjoy. This is true for adults and children.

Learning how to deliberately breathe slow and deep into the diaphragm can counter these feelings and send a message to your brain to calm down and relax. This is calm breathing. It is a research supported “go-to” strategy to calm down. It can be done anytime and anywhere, but it does take practice to use effectively.

Two important components of calming breathing: breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth and make sure to exhale longer than inhale.

Try it. Breathe in slowly through your nose. Put one hand on your stomach and feel it rise with the inhale. Place another hand on your chest. Exhale longer through your mouth. The hand on your chest should not move as much as the hand on your stomach while you breathe. Repeat.

Below are different breathing techniques to learn and practice. Do these yourself and with your child.

Techniques to teach belly breathing:

Belly Breathing with a Stuffed Animal: Lie down with your child on floor/bed/couch. Place a stuffed animal on your stomach. Tell your child that the goal is to fill your belly with air and watch the stuffed animal rise when you breathe in (through nose) and drop when you exhale (through your mouth). Demonstrate. Have your child do this with you. Watch the animal rise on inhale and lower on exhale.

Pizza Breathing: Pretend that you are smelling a delicious hot piece of pizza. Slowly take a big breath in through your nose to smell the pizza. Then even slower, blow out through your mouth to cool down the pizza slice.
Balloon Breathing: Have your child put one hand on his/her chest and one on belly. Tell your child to imagine blowing up a balloon in his/her belly. Now, ask your child to breathe in through the nose to inflate the balloon. Feel his or her stomach move out. Have child breathe out through the mouth and say “haaa”. Exhale should be longer than inhale. (See https://gozen.com/belly-breathing-to-calm-your-anxious-child/).
Blowing bubbles, pinwheels, and shape breathing (square and triangle) are also activities that can help show and practice belly breathing. See (https://copingskillsforkids.com/deepbreathing-exercises-for-kids and https://www.pbs.org/parents/crafts-andexperiments/practice-mindfulness-with-belly-breathing).

Slow, deep breathing is one of the best ways to lower stress in the body. Practicing calm breathing daily will reduce stress and help regulate emotions for you and your child. Practicing diaphragmatic breathing on your own and with your child on a regular basis makes it easier to access calm during stressful times. Remind your child that taking short, quick breaths can actually make anxious or angry feelings worse. Sometimes we breathe too much when upset.
Slow down. Breathe less, but deeper. When you make your breathing slower, deeper, and more steady- your body will relax. It is hard to be angry, anxious, or stressed when you are relaxed. And this, increasing calm, certainly is an excellent goal for us all right now

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Discussing Politics with your Children By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

10/8/2020

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Ever Heard of Trichotillomania or Excoriation? What are Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs)? By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

9/28/2020

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You may have heard some of these terms before but been unsure what they are really about. Or maybe they are completely new to you and sound quite complicated. We have all seen someone bite their nails, twirl their hair, or maybe chew on their cheeks or lips... Although seeing this is common, for some people, it is harder for them to stop these behaviors and it may become more problematic.

Here is an explanation of Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs) adapted from the TLC Foundation for Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (https://www.bfrb.org/). Some children and adults engage in repetitive behaviors that fall under the category of self-grooming and involve doing something to their bodies that causes damage. These behaviors become habits and can be exacerbated by stress. Many times people are not aware they are doing it, and need help noticing when it occurs. There are often triggers happening inside the person or in the setting around the person that may not have been identified as triggers yet. The symptoms cause emotional distress and have physical effects. This can be a persistent condition that worsens and improves at various times throughout a person’s life.

BFRBs occur in both boys and girls, but in adulthood are more common in women.

For kids the MOST COMMON types of BFRBs are:

Skin Picking (Excoriation) Disorder: Involves repetitively touching, rubbing, scratching, picking at, or digging into their skin, resulting in skin discoloration or scarring.

Hair-Pulling Disorder (Trichotillomania): Involves pulling out the hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, and other parts of the body, and may behind leave patches without hair.

Nail-biting Disorder (Onychophagia): Involves biting their nails past the nail bed and chewing on cuticles until they hurt themselves, which may lead to soreness and infection.

Some other BFRBs are: cheek and lip biting, nail picking, scab eating.

How do you know when it’s a problem?

Body-focused behaviors are considered problematic for children when they are happening repeatedly over time and they result in negative physical, social, or emotional consequences.

Good news, there is help!!

Treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or a form of behavioral therapy called Habit Reversal Training (HRT) have been shown to be very helpful for children with body-focused repetitive behaviors! HRT involves building motivation to change the behavior and building substitute behaviors to replace the unhelpful BFRB.

Often times kids need help bringing attention to when they are doing the behavior. This can be a gentle reminder from a parent at home or a teacher at school. Having something tactile to fidget with helps the child do something else with their hands, which allows them to work on changing the behavior.

You can find more information and resources at:
https://www.bfrb.org/
https://adaa.org/body-focused-repetitive-behaviors
https://www.stoppulling.com/
https://www.stoppulling.com/

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A Parent’s Guide to Understanding ADHD By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

9/17/2020

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What is ADHD?
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders of childhood. There are three different types of ADHD depending on the symptoms.

Predominantly Inattentive Presentation
Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation
Combined Presentation

Because symptoms can change overtime, the presentation may change over time as well.
ADHD is a chronic condition of the brain that makes it difficult to control behavior. Boys are more than twice as likely as girls to be diagnosed with ADHD. Children with ADHD often have trouble getting along with others and struggle with school work. If left untreated, ADHD in some children will continue to cause serious, lifelong problems such as poor grades in school, run-ins with the law, failed relationships and the inability to keep a job.

What are the symptoms?
According to the DSM 5, in order to be diagnosed with ADHD the symptoms have to be present for at least 6 months and they have to have six or more of the following symptoms for children up to 16 years or five or more for those 17 years and older and adults.

Predominantly Inattentive Presentation

Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities.
Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked).
Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.
Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones).
Is often easily distracted
Is often forgetful in daily activities.

Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation
Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet, or squirms in the seat.
Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected.
Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may be limited to feeling restless).
Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly.
Is often “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor”.
Often talks excessively.
Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed.
Often has trouble waiting their turn.
Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games)

Combined Presentation
This presentation is given if there are enough symptoms of both criteria for inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity over the last 6 months.
In addition to the above, the symptoms must be present before the age of 12 years. The symptoms must be present in two or more settings. (home, school, with friends, or in other activities). And there is clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of social, school or work functioning.

How do you get your child tested?
   The first step is to talk to your child’s health care provider about your concerns. They will go over the symptoms with you and see if your child fits the criteria. The diagnosis can sometimes be made by a mental health professional, like a licensed therapist, a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, primary care provider or pediatrician. There is also comprehensive neuropsychological testing that can assess your child’s executive functioning (the brain functions that get impaired with ADHD).
   Once the diagnosis is confirmed, the outlook for most children who receive treatment is encouraging. While there is no specific cure for ADHD, there are many treatment options available.

What different treatments are available?
   There are a few treatments available for ADHD and depending on the child and how severe the symptoms are, you may need to use several of them at once.

Therapy:

Therapy can be beneficial to helping the child learn how to control impulses, work on paying attention and build social skills. Behavior therapy is the most common used for children with ADHD. Oftentimes, parents will be asked to participate to learn strategies that they can use with the child at home.

Medication:

For many people ADHD medication will reduce all of the symptoms and oftentimes is the best and fastest way to treat ADHD. There are several different types of medication that are available as well. Usually, doctors will start off with a stimulant. Although it seems unusual to treat ADHD with a stimulant it is very effective. Researchers believe that the stimulants are effective because they increase the brain chemical dopamine, which plays an essential role in thinking and attention.
Non-Stimulants are also an option but tend to take longer to start working than stimulants. They do help with improving focus, attention and impulsivity. The last type of medication used are antidepressants. However, they are not approved by the FDA to specifically treat ADHD. They are used mostly with adults and affect the brain chemicals norepinephrine and dopamine.

Occupational Therapy:

OT can help your child with improving certain skills, such as, organization, physical coordination, ability to do everyday tasks and control their “energy” levels.

Parenting Training:

Parenting training will revolve around the parent learning different ways to help their child’s behavior such as creating a routine, managing distractions, limiting choices, effective disciplining and using goals and praise or rewards.

Again, oftentimes a parent will need to use more than one of the above methods to help their child manage their ADHD symptoms. ADHD is completely manageable and doesn’t need to be something that stops your child from learning or being successful at life. While ADHD continues into adulthood, helping your child develop their strengths, structure their environment and using medication when needed, adults with ADHD can lead very productive lives.

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The Return to School: Four Tips to Support a Better Start By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

8/27/2020

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School and learning will be different this year. While stress and uncertainty are common at the start of every school year, these are particularly high for many children and their families this year. Both in- person or virtual / online learning options will require new routines, expectations, and behaviors. Students also begin the school year with different family stressors, resources, and pandemic experiences that will influence how ready and able they are to engage in school and learning. Supporting the social and emotional development, mental health, and resiliency of children provides the essential foundation for learning to occur, regardless of location. Below are four general tips that all parents can use support their children as they start school.

Talk About It

Check in with your child to see how he or she is feeling. Ask calmly as an open-ended question “How are you feeling about this?”. (This allows any feelings to come from your child; rather than assuming how they feel). (See: https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/back-to-school-free-printable-care-package).

Validate all feelings. Children might feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, as well as excited, happy, bored. Their feelings might change throughout the day and might be conflicting. All these feelings are OK. Listen and allow a child to express feelings without dismissing or trying to “fix” and negative feelings that they express. Help children to find positive ways to express difficult emotions. Also, allow positive feelings and try not to question these. Some children are doing well. (See: https://www-huffpost-com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/help-kid-cope-back-to-school_l_5f329ca9c5b64cc99fde5586/amp).

2. Manage Worry and Expectations
Listen to concerns calmly and respond with kindness. Show Empathy and Understanding. Focus on PRACTICAL vs HYPOTHETICAL WORRIES. It is ok to acknowledge risks. Create an action plan for how to reduce worries. Limit “what if” discussions that focus on extreme negative outcomes that are not likely.

Be careful not to make general reassurance statements (e.g., “everything will be OK, you have nothing to worry about"). No one can predict the future or give this guarantee. These types of statements minimize feelings and make children feel their concerns are not valid. Rather, focus on what is in your control. Discuss how schools are taking precautions and how students can minimize risk (distancing, hand washing, masking).

Practice Relaxation Strategies. Do slow calm breathing with your child/teen daily Practice with a mask on if a child is returning to school. Have time to just relax and reset at the end of the day. in through the nose, out through the mouth with a longer exhale. Finally, Monitor signs for stress and anxiety. (See https://parentsupportduringcovid19.com for more relaxation techniques including Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Guided Imagery and Grounding).

Try the STOP Technique:
S (Scared) What is going on in your body?
T (Thoughts) What are you thinking?
O (Other thoughts) What is something else you can think?
P (Praise & Plan) What is something nice to say to yourself? What can you do next time? What is good? What can you control? What can you control? What is good in new routine?
(https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/help-children-cope-with-back-to-school-anxiety)

3. Problem Solve and Prepare
Discuss the plan for school days. Encourage proactively talking about potential problems and issues. Identify what worked and what did not work well last spring (particularly if online learning was challenging). Ask your child/teen, “how can we make this a better experience?” and come up with specific changes to try.

Problem solve together. Listen and consider all suggestions. Don’t immediately dismiss what is said. Offer your own practical suggestions for change. Evaluate and point out what is working and make changes as needed. Troubleshoot together. This will help children feel some control and practice coming up with ideas and changes to make learning work better. Monitor stress (for you and your child). Remember the big picture, children learn best when calm and emotionally regulated. This is an unusual time and everyone needs more compassion.

Role play or rehearse potentially stressful situations (e.g., what to say when someone gets too close at school, technology issues, how to express frustrations or ask for breaks). Practicing how to handle potentially difficult or upsetting situations will help you and your child stay calm. Come up with a notecard of calming options when a child starts to get frustrated or visual cue to ask for a break. Talk about what might happen, there will be difficult moments and new challenges. Talking about it and identifying what to do before a problem occurs will also build problem solving and emotion regulation skills so that everyone can better manage challenging moments. (See also: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/kids-covid-19/art-20482508).

4. Set Your Child Up for Success

Schedule and Routines. Establish a schedule together for work and relaxation time. Schedules provides structure and predictability (make simple visual schedule with built in “down time”/free choice times). Create and maintain consistent morning routine and bedtime routine. Keep these as consistent as possible. Consistency and predictability help reduce anxiety. Use visual schedules or checklists to promote independence.

Adequate sleep, good nutrition, and exercise daily are important for health and absolutely protective during stressful times. (See also
https://www.unicef.org/coronavirus/supporting-your-childs-mental-health-during-covid-19-school-return).

Keep online activity safe. Check that your child’s device has the privacy settings are on. Keep webcams covered when not in use and set parental controls, including safe search. Use a common area or check in when you can. Encourage children to be kind and respectful to classmates and to tell you about any bullying or inappropriate contact or interactions. See Tips and Scripts for Managing Screen Time When School Is Online at https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/tips-and-scripts-for-managing-screen-time-when-school-is-online-0.

Model Resiliency and Healthy Coping. Be careful what you say. How you talk about school sets the tone. Be aware about the impact of complaining about your frustration and concerns in front of your children. Rather than complaining and venting in front of your child, acknowledge their feelings and help them look for some positive, alternative ways to view their situation. Use “and” rather than “but” to accept both thoughts (e.g., “you feel __because __, but you get to ___). Practice deep breathing to calm the nervous system and relaxation strategies daily. (See https://childmind.org/article/how-to-avoid-passing-anxiety-on-to-your-kids/).

Remember how you handle your anxiety, your own stress, and how you act throughout the day will strongly influence how children react and think about their own situation. Take breaks when you are able, even short breaks to calm or self-care, so you can connect, be present, and enjoy positive moments with your child during each day.

As much as possible, children need to feel safe, secure and positive about their current circumstance and the future. Even in a pandemic. Please seek support from schools, your pediatrician, or a therapist if you or your child are struggling or you need more strategies to manage anxiety or learning. Please contact us if you need more support or help.

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Navigating Remote-School for Children with Selective Mutism By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

8/20/2020

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A new school year can be a stressful time for all. Factor in the many unique challenges that this school year brings, and you may be left wondering how to advocate for the success of your child with selective mutism, especially during remote-learning.

First, what is selective mutism? Selective mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak in select social settings or with certain people, such as school or the teacher at school. Children with selective mutism are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable and more relaxed, such as at home or with peers.

Here are some tips for assisting your child with selective mutism this school year:

Fade-ins are always beneficial. Allow the child to meet with the teacher one-on-one (virtually or in-person) to speak without the rest of the class present prior to the start of school. If this is not possible, it is advised to schedule a one-on-one time with the teacher either before or after the school day so the child can practice speaking to the teacher in a less stressful environment as soon as possible.
*Considerations for remote-learners: Fade-ins can be conducted remotely. Ask the teacher to start with his/her camera off while you and your child play a game requiring verbalizations (e.g. I Spy) in front of your camera. Once your child is comfortably answering your questions, you can instruct the teacher to turn on their camera and gradually begin making their way closer to the screen. As your child continues to be verbal with you, the teacher can slowly integrate themselves more into the game/activity until your child is ready to answer the teacher’s forced-choice questions (e.g. Do you have a brother or sister, or no siblings?). If possible, keep the interaction play-based and fun.
Implement a daily report card for your child’s specific goals. With the teacher, identify two goals each week for the child (e.g. raising their hand, verbally responding to teacher, verbally responding to peers, increasing volume of verbalizations, staying in front of the camera). Have the teacher “check” or put a sticker each time the child completes the goal activity. At the end of the day and at the end of the week, reward your child at home for meeting goals. Goals should be gradually increased in difficulty week to week.

For more information about Selective Mutism, visit www.SelectiveMutism.org.

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The Stages of Change: Where are you in the change process? By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

8/13/2020

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At many times throughout life, people will want to change something about themselves. Whether it’s weight, a character “flaw”, how they view things or think, or an unhelpful habit. Then there are times when others think that we need to change something and we just don’t see it. Either way, it’s important to understand the Stages of Change model. By understanding this model, you will have a better understanding as to which stage you or someone you know is in. This insight could help give you the push you need to make the change or help you to accept where you or others are at in the process.

The Stages of Change is a model that was introduced in the late 1970s by researchers James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente. This model has been found to be an effective aid in understanding how people go through a change in behavior. It’s important to note that change occurs gradually and relapses are an inevitable part of the process.

Stage 1: Precontemplation
People in the precontemplation stage of change aren’t even thinking about changing. They don’t see that there is a problem to begin with. Dr. DiClemente referred to the reasons to be in precontemplation as the “Four Rs”.

Reluctant precontemplators: Those that lack the knowledge or desire to even want to consider change. The impact of the problem hasn’t become fully conscious.
Rebellious precontemplators: Those that have a heavy investment in continuing the behavior and in making their own decisions. They do not want to be told what to do.
Resigned precontemplators: Those that have given up hope about a possibility of change and the problem seems too overwhelming. These individuals have made many attempts to change.
Rationalizating precontemplators: Those that have all the answers and lots of reasons to continue the behavior. The behavior is a problem for others but not them.

Stage 2: Contemplation
   People in this stage are willing to consider the possibility of changing the behavior. Those in this stage are highly ambivalent. They are often interested in learning about how to change their behavior and have reasons for changing their behavior but still can’t make a decision to change. These people often tell themselves and others that “someday I’ll change”.

Stage 3: Preparation
   Those in this stage make the decision to change/stop the behavior. In this stage the person is making the plans to change. Not all ambivalence is resolved yet but it’s no longer a huge barrier to change. In this stage, people will make a serious attempt to change in the near future.

Stage 4: Action
   People in this stage of change put their plan into action. This stage often includes some form of public commitment to change the behavior in order to get external confirmation of the plan. The person may avoid previous triggers, reach out for help, or take other steps to avoid temptation. This stage normally takes three to six months to complete.

Stage 5: Maintenance
   In this stage, a person is able to maintain their changed behavior over a sustained period of time. The real test of change is long-term sustained change over many years. In this stage a person is building new patterns of behavior that continue on its own momentum with little outside intervention.

Stage 6: Relapse
   In any behavior change, relapses are a common occurrence. The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. If you lapse back into old behaviors, ask yourself why it happened. Sometimes people begin to relax their guard and they think that they have control over it. It is not uncommon to relapse and go through the Stages of Change several times. But slips give people the chance to learn and grow.

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What is EMDR? By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

7/16/2020

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Staying Regulated: Help for calming strong emotions and reactions By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

7/9/2020

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It is understandable that many children and adults are experiencing higher levels of anger, frustration, anxiety and sadness during this time. If it seems it takes less for you to become upset or to upset your child, it probably does. Many families have been quarantining for months and made it through online school just to try to figure out summer plans and keep children safe and productively occupied while managing work, health concerns, persistent financial loss or mental health challenges. In addition, social injustices and racism are a painful experience for many individuals with profound effects on functioning and this reality is becoming clearer to more people and more openly talked about and addressed in protests and social media. People are hurting, uncertainty remains, and there is a considerable emotional toll generally. It is no wonder that it might be harder for children or parents to stay calm and manage strong emotions.

So how do you help your child stay regulated and constructively express his or her emotions during this time?

Calm yourself first
Learn and Practice relaxation strategies alone and with your child
Identify and talk about emotions
Problem solve and discuss behavior choices
Focus on building a positive relationship with your child

Parents can support their children by first and most importantly learning how to regulate themselves, and then by directly teaching coping strategies to children and taking time to problem solve and discuss appropriate behavior choices.

1) CALM YOURSELF FIRST
Focus on regulating yourself FIRST. Parents model how to express feelings and react under distress. Children are always watching. They are far more likely to do what you do than what you say.

Take responsibility for monitoring and regulating your own emotions. Emotions are contagious. People naturally match the pace and emotional tone of others. Choose to calm down before interacting with an upset child.

Try to stay calm when emotions are escalating. This is difficult and takes practice. You are consciously slowing down, to help your child de-escalate. Do a body scan for tension. Notice your heart rate and muscle tightness.

Breathe. Stretch. Take a few minutes to calm yourself. Practice slow, deep breathing (in through the nose and out through the mouth, with a longer exhale). This is scientifically proven method to calm and reduce the fight-flight-freeze response.

This is particularly important when your child or teen is upset or behaving in a way that is challenging. (See www.parentsupportduringcovid19.com for parent handouts of research supported relaxation strategies: diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery).

Relax your face, body, and tone. It is impossible to feel angry and relaxed at the same time. If your child is anxious, relaxing your face and body will help him or her relax. This takes a lot of self-awareness; you can affect your child’s emotions and response.

Work to actually relax your body, not just be quiet or emotionally detach.

Ask yourself: Am I tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Is this an emergency?

The goal is to stay close and calm and say very little. Once a child becomes very upset (emotionally dysregulated) teaching and trying to reason will not work. The fight or flight response has kicked in.

Limit what you say if your child is already yelling, crying, melting down or having a tantrum. Don’t try to convince your child, negotiate, or make him or her use a calming strategy. Do make sure child is safe.

Try to take his or her perspective with compassion. Remember your child is not trying to make you mad; he or she is overwhelmed and lacks the skills to manage strong emotions.

If you are becoming too upset, gently say you need to walk away and will return. Speak slowly. Ground yourself (5-4-3-2-1 5 Senses exercise*) and try to remain present. You can provide reassurance of your love and say you're there to comfort when ready.

2) TEACH AND PRACTICE RELAXATION & RE-SETTING techniques with your child
Emotion regulation is a skill that needs practice. Practice relaxation strategies DAILY when already calm.

Help children manage their stress response with activities that help build self- regulation (breathing, exercise, mindfulness). See handouts on www.parentsupportduringcovid19.com for information about specific breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation tools, mindfulness activities, and guided imagery.

Try out different options and practice a variety of calming techniques to know what works best (but include breathing-slow deep breathing is always a first go-to). These must be practiced often and when calm. Set aside time. Do it together. Make it fun.

Getting active is also important. In addition to daily 30 minutes of exercise for overall stress reduction, there are quick active techniques that children can learn to expressive strong negative feelings: wall pushups, jumping jacks, time on a scooter or bike, stress press, tight self-hugs. Patterned, repetitive rhythmic activity: walking, running, dancing, singing, repetitive meditative breathing – helps regulate (See Dr Bruce Perry’s work). (See also The kids guide to staying awesome and in control: simple stuff to help children regulate their emotions and senses for more tools and activities https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20978895-the-kids-guide-to-staying-awesome-and-in-control )

3) PROBLEM SOLVE AND DISCUSS BEHAVIOR CHOICES
At a later time, when everyone is truly calm talk, about what happened. Discuss other possible choices to make when angry or frustrated. Use a calm and non-critical tone. Figure out why your child became upset to try to identify underlying feelings.

Discuss or review family rules and safe options: it is ok to feel angry/frustrated/anxious but NO hurting yourself, hurting someone else or destroying property.

Emphasize that we all have a choice in our action or behavior. Talk through consequences and come up with a plan. Practice or role play plan when calm.
Share examples of how you managed your reactions when you became frustrated/stressed/angry. Share consequences if you did not make a good choice and identify the other options you could have made.

Encourage Helpful Thoughts and Self-Talk. Write out calming statements. Practice and post statements (“I can handle this”, “I can take a breath”).

4) FINALLY, REFLECT & RECONNECT
Once you and your child are calm positively connect. PRIORITIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD.

Notice, identify, accept, and allow feelings.
Listen and let your child express emotions. Acknowledge and validate feelings. This helps you connect and shows understanding.

Describe face and body cues. This helps to bring awareness of sensations (how his or her body feels) when experiencing different emotions. Noticing sensations and identifying early warning signs is essential (before escalation is the only time you can effectively help children use calming skills).

Label your own emotions and say how you are feeling. This builds self-awareness. Talking about feelings generally builds an emotional vocabulary and increases an understanding about one’s own feelings and those of others. Observe and comment on your child’s emotional state (“you look calm”, “you look like you are starting to get frustrated”).

Helping everyone in the family manage reactions and develop better emotion regulation skills is enhanced by having compassion for each other, creating predictable routines, building connection, focusing on relationships, practicing relaxation skills, and learning how to actively re-set. Keep expectations reasonable and appropriate. Make sure there are no unmet needs for you or your child (hungry, tired, sick). Use humor to diffuse tense situations when possible.

Please reach out if you are having difficulty and want support for yourself or your child during this time.

Additional Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pulling-through/202004/the-pandemic-toolkit-parents-need

Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids Workbook by Dr Laura Markham (2018) https://www.amazon.com/%20Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/coronavirus-calm.html?ref=search

https://gozen.com/50-calm-down-ideas-to-try-with-kids-of-all-ages/

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Parent and Child Psychological Services is a private practice serving children and families in the Sarasota, Florida area. The practice is owned and operated by Dr. Gibson, a Licensed Psychologist who is Board Certified in Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology.

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