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Emotional Intelligence By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

1/21/2021

Research tells us that the ability to understand and to manage emotions is directly correlated to academic achievement. So, when you have a child that is struggling academically, instead of torturing them with more work, more hours sitting, or more time feeling inadequate, instead use the time to work on their emotional intelligence.

Dr. John Gottman provides five easy steps for parents who want to be emotion “coaches”:

Step 1: Be aware of your child’s emotions.
Parents who emotion coach are aware of their own feelings and sensitive to the emotions present in their children. They do not require their child to amp up their emotional expression for the feelings to be acknowledged.

Step 2: See emotions as an opportunity for connection and teaching.
Children’s emotions are not an inconvenience or a challenge. They are an opportunity to connect with your child and coach them through a challenging feeling. Instead of, “that’s not something to cry about”, simply state, “I know, that makes you really sad”.

Step 3: Listen and validate the feelings.
Give your child your full attention while you listen to their emotional expression. Reflect back what you hear, thus telling your child you understand what they’re seeing and experiencing.

Step 4: Label their emotions.
After you have fully listened, help your child develop an awareness of and vocabulary for their emotional expression.

Step 5: Help your child problem-solve with limits.
All emotions are acceptable but all behaviors are not. Help your child cope with his or her emotions by developing problem-solving skills. Limit the expression to appropriate behaviors. This involves helping your child set goals and generating solutions to reach those goals.

Remember, emotional intelligence is not necessarily intuitive and natural. Parents play a crucial role in role-modeling and coaching skills that may otherwise never be fully developed. If you would like more information or would like assistance in coaching your child, please contact a mental health professional.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, N.Y.: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

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Trauma Informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

1/14/2021

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What is Trauma Informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT)?

   TF-CBT is an evidence-based treatment that helps children and adolescents recover after a trauma. It is a structured, short-term therapy that works with the child/adolescent (ages 3-18) and caregiver, to improve traumatic symptoms in around 12-25 sessions. The therapeutic interventions are designed to help children, adolescents and their caregivers overcome the impact of traumatic events. It can be used with any type of trauma-such as sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic viloence, community violence, unexpected death of a loved one, natural disasters and war. It even addresses complex traumas which involve more than one specific trauma.

What can I expect from TF-CBT treatment?

   TF-CBT involves individual sessions for the child or adolescent, individual sessions for the parents and conjoint sessions between the parent and child/adolescent. During the child/adolescent sessions, they will learn about trauma, how to identify feelings and manage them, how to relax and tolerate trauma reminders, how to identify negative thoughts, how to replace the negative thoughts with more helpful thoughts, how to resolve problems and learn safety skills.
An important aspect of TF-CBT is to provide the client with opportunities to discuss details of the trauma in a supportive and nurturing environment. One way that this is done is through a trauma narrative in which the client retells their traumatic experiences through writing or pictures in a therapeutic way. This allows the client’s brain to process traumatic memories and gain more helpful thoughts about the trauma. As time passes, the traumatic reminders begin to become less intense and more infrequent.
During the caregiver sessions, the therapist will teach the caregiver how to support the client in treatment as well as how to manage the symptoms of trauma. The therapist will provide the caregiver with a lot of resources and skills necessary to help their child cope. The caregiver will also have an opportunity to discuss their own feelings about their child’s traumatic experience and if needed be able to process their own trauma and how that impacts their child. The therapist will also prepare the caregiver on how to support their child when they share their trauma narrative in a conjoint session.

How effective is TF-CBT?
   TF-CBT research has shown that nearly 80% of children experience a remission in symptoms after only 12 sessions. This amount of success in such a short amount of time really provides a lot of hope for the clients and their families.

What are the signs and symptoms of trauma in children/adolescents?

Inability or unwillingness to recall or talk about trauma details
Avoiding people, places or things that remind them of what happened
Difficulty stopping thoughts about the trauma
Startling easily
Emotional and physical numbing
Recalling physical sensations that occurred during trauma
Difficulty staying still or fidgeting
Sleeping routine is disturbed (not wanting to sleep alone, nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night)
Rapid changes in mood
Difficulty concentrating
Depression
Anxiety
Low self esteem
Inability to trust others
Drug use
Desire to hurt oneself or others

Resources/References:
tfcbt.org/
https://www.nctsn.org/interventions/trauma-focused-cognitive-behavioral-therapy
goodtherapy.org
Children's Institute, Inc - TF-CBT handout

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Reduce the Rage: Managing Anger Better By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

1/7/2021

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Anger is a healthy and normal emotion. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone expresses it well. This is the second in a two-part blog series on Managing Anger with Recognizing & Resetting. The first blog focused on Recognizing Anger. Three general recommendations were described as the foundation to helping children and teens manage anger better. First: talk about feelings and emotions, Second: identify the situations, issues, or behaviors that are frustration and trigger anger & Third: understand and pay attention to how anger is experienced in the body most importantly, when first starting to feel angry.

This blog will focus on Resetting with some specific strategies to help calm and actively manage anger in the moment.

There are two ways to return to calm when feeling angry: 1) learn and use relaxation strategies and 2) release energy to reduce anger. Anger can be a strong emotion and set off the body’s fight or flight response. (Here is an image of how anger affects the brain and body: https://www.nicabm.com/sample/nicabm-infographic-anger/). Recognizing what causes frustration and anger and the physical signs and signals for each increasing level of anger helps to prevent escalation and allows more self-control. Learning how to identify when these feelings start to happen and expressing anger without losing control is an important developmental skill.

1. Learn and Use Relaxation Strategies
It is impossible to feel relaxed and angry at the same time. The goals is to actively use at the first signs (and Practice! Practice! Practice! before ever getting angry to access these skills in the moment). Belly breathing, listening to a favorite song, count backwards, thinking of a calm image or favorite place are all relaxing options.

Breathing: Take 5 slow breaths in through the nose, longer exhale out through the mouth.
http://parentsupportduringcovid19.com
https://m.kidshealth.org/NortonChildrens/en/teen/relax-breathing.html
https://copingskillsforkids.com/deep-breathing-exercises-for-kids

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Slowly tense than relax different muscle groups in body.
http://parentsupportduringcovid19.com
https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/MuscleRelaxation.pdf

2. Release Energy to Reduce Anger.
Get moving! Take a run, walk, swim, bike. Go on a scooter, swing on a swing, do push-ups or jumping jacks. Give yourself a hug. Exercise increases “feel good” endorphins and burns off extra adrenaline and energy that often accompanies feelings of anger. Also- regular exercise can lower stress and frustration which lead to anger.
In addition to ACTIONS it is important to be aware of THOUGHTS. How we think about a situation influences mood. Angry thinking leads to feeling more anger. What we think influences how we feel. The more we focus on negative thoughts the worse we feel. Help children identify that some thoughts can make them feel more angry while other types of thoughts can help them get calm or cool down.

Hot Thoughts and Cool Thoughts Strategy: Practice labeling thoughts as hot or cool. Hot Thought: This is not fair, I never get my way, I can’t do it. Cool Thoughts: I am not going to let her get to me, I can stay calm and cool, this is not an emergency, take a deep breath and relax, it is just a hassle and I can deal with it, I can handle it. Practice changing thoughts and .

For Teens: Remember that hormones and stress can increase feelings of anger and mood shifts. Becoming self-aware and practicing self-control will help you react without regret. Notice when you start to feel annoyed or irritated and take action. Decide to calm and stay in control. Have a practiced list of go-tos to help relax (slow breathing, do something soothing) or release emotion (run, play a sport, go for a walk, do pushups). Also, use cognitive restructuring to re-phrase a situation. Look at it from a neutral or positive angle. Practice empathy to see the situation from another person’s point of view or perspective. The following article has a 5 step approach to managing anger: Resource for Managing Anger for Teens in a 5 step approach see: Dealing With Anger (for Teens) — Print Version - Nemours KidsHealth.

For Parents: Acknowledge how your child is feeling in the moment. Don’t minimize or tell a child to “calm down”. Validate the feeling (not the behavior if anger is expressed aggressively). PHRASES TO SAY (https://lemonlimeadventures.com/13-helpful-phrases-calm-angry-child/).
Try to say very little. An angry child cannot hear and process well in the moment. Most importantly, stay calm or actively calm yourself. You are not only the model of how to manage and express anger you can co-regulate by calming your face, voice, and body.

Helpful videos on Anger Management to watch with your child

This video shows how hard it is to use coping skills in the moment once dysregulated. Why do we lose control of our emotions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bKuoH8CkFc.
Anger Management https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbpTohPUhMw). This video shows a quick ABCDE plan for anger management: Awareness, Breathe, Count, Distance and Express yourself plan.

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New Year's Resolution Success! By Tara Motzenbecker. MS, NCSP

12/31/2020

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Have you ever set a New Year’s Resolution and failed at it? If the answer is “yes”, then let’s examine where the problem lies. First, ask yourself what the true motivation for the resolution is. Oftentimes, we set goals because we think it is what we “should” do. As any client of mine knows, “should” is a key word for falling into a thinking trap. And thinking traps are designed to make us feel like…..something that rhymes with ‘trap’…...Dig yourself out of that trap by asking yourself what truly motivates you, from within yourself and only yourself. Then, ask yourself if the goal is realistic. Is it realistic to expect yourself to go from a sedentary lifestyle to working out for an hour at 5 AM every day? Probably not, so what is realistic? It’s okay to set a goal of waking up twice a week to workout early for a few weeks and then increase it if successful.

Once you come up with intrinsically motivated goals and have decided what is realistic to expect from yourself, write it down. Write your whole plan including the short-term and the long-term aspects. Writing it out actually allows it to imprint on a different part of your brain. Write check-ins in the plan as well. It is important to periodically reassess---is this still realistic? Is this still what I truly want?

Anticipate setbacks and new opportunities. Using “if/then” thinking encourages creativity and problem solving. “If I cannot wake up early enough to exercise before work, then I will work out before bed”. Plan B and C and D are evidence of your flexibility, not your failure.

If you find yourself thinking negatively about your progress, talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. You would not say to a friend, “geesh yeah you really are a lazy bum for not working out everyday”. Instead, to a friend, you would say, “yeah it’s really hard getting up that early. It’s so amazing that you’re working towards that and even trying it!”. (Hmm...talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend is, in fact, a great idea for a resolution….)

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Prepping for the Holidays and Winter Break in 2020 By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

12/17/2020

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This year has brought many unexpected challenges, changes, and new responsibilities. Parents have taken on a variety of new roles while juggling many more things from home than they are accustom to. With all the stresses and changes with school for some being in person, then not, then in person again, or with managing everything from home, the holidays may feel particularly overwhelming this year. For others it may feel like a reprieve from having to organize and entertain larger numbers of family or community members. Either way things will be different for everyone this holiday season. Keep in mind that schedules will be different around the holidays and that can increase anxiety, stress, boredom or behavior challenges in children. Here are some pointers to get you through the holidays and the winter break from school.

Providing as much predictability, structure and routine as you can, will help to keep things as smooth as possible. For example, consider keeping much of the schedule the same when school is out as it was during school. It minimizes the transitions that everyone has to adjust to and keeps things consistent.
Manage expectations by explain to your kids what to expect during their time off from school this year. What will they be able to do to fill their time? What will you be doing work wise? Also manage expectations about the holidays. Discuss as a family how you will be celebrating this year and with who. How might you stay connected to family you would normally see in person but are not this year?
Discuss safety being up front about how COVID may be changing your holidays. If you are seeing people in person what safety precautions will you be taking and expect your kids to take?
If your kids will need to spend time occupying themselves independently while you work plan and prepare some activities so you can be sure they have everything they need to minimize the need to interrupt you. Now is a good time to order some craft supplies or activities for your kiddos or the family to do during the winter break.
Listen to how your kids are doing and talk to them about how they feel. Validating feelings through supportive listening can go a long way. If your kids are bored that is a great opportunity for them to use their creativity and do things they might not normally do or find fun new adventures.
If money is tight, get creative with making decorations together form things you have around your home. If you have the time you can also get creative with making gifts together with your kids for extended family members.
Try to find time to do enjoyable activities together as a family amid the hustle and bustle of busy daily lives.
Find time for parent self-care, whether that is something you do individually, as a couple or as a family.
Focus on the positive and spend time as a family reflecting on positive memories from this year, any fun new experiences, and cherished memories from years past. Try to enjoy each other and the holidays even though they may be different this year.

Remember it is okay to be overwhelmed yourself. It is okay to do less this year. It is okay to do things differently this year. We are all doing our best to juggle so many things and navigate this new landscape. Use your support network when you need them and hang in there! You may even stumble across some new holiday traditions that you decide to keep.

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Challenging Negative Thinking with Socratic Questioning By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

12/13/2020

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What is Socratic Questioning?
The Socratic method is often described as the cornerstone of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It asks a series of focused, open-ended questions that encourage reflection. This technique produces insightful perspectives and helps identify positive actions. It’s a thoughtful dialogue with yourself or between two or more people. You will often see it used in counseling to help reveal deep values and beliefs that frame and support what we think and say. Each question is asked with genuine curiosity and to help you look at the bigger picture.
In CBT, the focus is to modify a person’s thinking to facilitate emotional and behavioral changes. Socratic questioning can help you identify and define the problem, identify the impact of your beliefs and thoughts, and examine the meaning of events. By becoming aware of your beliefs and thoughts, you then have the ability to adjust your thinking or behaviors if needed.

How to do Socratic Questioning:
While Socratic questioning is best done with another person, like a therapist, it can be done on your own too. However, it’s important to make sure that you are in the right frame of mind. You want to be genuinely curious about identifying your true thoughts and feelings about the matter at hand as well as be able to be honest with yourself.
Socratic questioning follows the steps below:

Understand the belief: state clearly your belief, thought, argument
Look for evidence: ask yourself open-ended questions to elicit further knowledge and uncover assumptions, misconceptions, inconsistencies and contradictions.
Challenge your assumptions: if contradictions, inconsistencies, exceptions, or counterexamples are identified, then ask yourself to either disregard the belief/thought or restate it more precisely.
Repeat the process again, if required.

Why use Socratic Questioning?:
   Oftentimes we can get stuck in our negative, unhelpful thoughts and that can lead to depression and anxiety. Our thoughts do affect how we feel and ultimately how we behave. If you find that you are struggling with your feelings and behaviors, then challenging how you think will help you achieve changing your feelings and behaviors. As with anything, practice is key and will help this way of thinking become more natural and less time consuming.

Below are specific questions to ask yourself to help determine how you really feel about something.

Questions regarding an initial question or issue
What is significant about this question?
Is this a straightforward question to answer?
Why do you think that?
Are there any assumptions I can take from this question?
Is there another important question that follows on from this one?

Questions about assumptions
Why would someone assume that X?
What am I assuming here?
Is there a different assumption here?

Questions of viewpoint
Are there alternative views?
What might someone who thought X think?
How would someone else respond, and why?

Questions of clarification
What do you mean when you say X?
Can you rephrase and explain differently?
What is the main issue here?
Can you expand that point further?

Questions of implication and consequence
Why do you think this is the case?
Is there any other information needed?
What led you to that belief?
Are there any reasons to doubt the evidence?

Questions of evidence and reasoning
Can you provide an example?
Why do you think this is the case?
Is there any other information needed?
What led you to that belief?
Are there any reasons to doubt the evidence?

Questions regarding origin
Have you heard this from elsewhere?
Have you always felt this way?
What caused you to feel that way?

Additional questions:
What is the negative thought to be questioned?
What is the evidence for this thought? Against it?
Am I basing this thought on facts or feelings?
Is this thought black and white, when reality is more complicated?
Could I be misinterpreting the evidence?
Am I making any assumptions?
Am I looking at all the evidence or just what supports my thought?
Is my thought a likely scenario or is it the worst case scenario?

Reference
https://positivepsychology.com/socratic-questioning/

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All the Rage: Managing Anger Better Part 1 By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

12/6/2020

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My therapist gave me a handout on anger management yesterday.

I just lost it.

Anger is a healthy and normal emotion. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone expresses it well. This is the first in a two-part blog series on Managing Anger with Recognizing & Resetting (part 2 coming in January 2021). This blog will focus on the Recognize and the second blog will focus on how to Reset by learning relaxation strategies and effective ways to release anger.

THE GOOD AND THE MAD. All feelings are ok. Being angry or mad can be a signal that something is wrong or needs to change. It might be a response to a perceived threat. Anger can indicate that boundaries have been crossed, that we have been treated poorly, or that an injustice has occurred. It can be protective, preparing us to respond fighting when there is a real threat (setting off the Fight-Flight-Freeze response). It always involves a physiological response in our body. Adrenaline and hormones are released, heart rates and breathing quicken, blood pressure rises, focus narrows.

Anger is problem when it results in aggressive, destructive, and harmful behavior, when it hurts others either physically or emotionally. It is a problem when it is too intense, affects health, hinders functioning and school/work. Expressing anger in violence can have serious consequences. Expressing anger with yelling and demeaning comments can also cause lasting harm to relationships and is particularly damaging to trust and connection between parents and children.

The goal is not to stop feeling angry, the goal is to learn how to choose behaviors or actions that are helpful and not harmful. The work is being able to know when anger is escalating and to learn techniques to be able to calm down and release anger before losing control. This is true for parents and children. The best way to help your child calm down is to stay calm or calm down yourself first.

One of the first steps to manage anger effectively is to become aware or RECOGNIZE how we experience anger, how anger feels in our body as it increases in intensity, and what “triggers” our anger.

This begins by knowing how to talk about feelings and to have words to identify emotions. It is also important to consider that anger can also be a secondary emotion that is covering or connected to other “hidden” emotions such as embarrassed, anxious, discomfort, grief, powerlessness, and fear.
Talk about feelings and emotions.

Label feelings- yours, your child’s, even characters on TV shows
Teach how to recognize all different emotions (by facial expressions, body language) when children are young. Having a word to express an emotion is the beginning of learning to handle it.
When you notice your child starting to get annoyed, frustrated, or angry label this and point it out. Do this calmly and validate the feeling. (Remember you do not have to agree with why, but do not try to dismiss or minimize what they are feeling or indicate that there is anything wrong with having this feeling).
Model and give children/teens language to use.
When your child expresses anger. Listen. Acknowledge how upset your child is and why he or she is angry.
Validate feelings. Rephrase or repeat what your child/teen says (active listening to help him or her feel heard and understood).
Remember to say you FEEL angry not you ARE angry.
Encourage empathy and seeing the perspective of other people

It is also important to talk about the difference between feelings and behavior (“It’s ok to feel angry, it is never ok to hit”). Children can learn that you can feel your feelings without acting on them- especially in a way that is hurtful or harmful. They, like us, can learn to tolerate the physiological response without losing control and lashing out.

Identify what situations, issues, or behaviors make you feel angry.

Learn your own triggers to be proactive.
Help children and teens increase self-awareness about why they are angry
Watch for tired, hungry or feeling ill- for yourself or your child. Do a “body scan” to see if there is something you need that might affect how you feel.
Talk about your own feelings (appropriately) and never blame a child, if a behavior makes you angry identify that behavior as something you do not like, rather than telling saying your child made you angry).
Watch for patterns with your child and what happened leading up to anger (as well as when increasing intensity of emotion.

Pay attention to how you experience anger in your body.

Notice your physical sensations or signals you experience when becoming angry
Anger creates the Fight-Flight-or Freeze reaction with physiological changes including increased blood pressure, faster heart rate, release of adrenaline and hormones. Your body is preparing to protect you and thinking becomes less clear and more hyper-focused. Decisions and consequences of actions often become less controlled as anger increases.
Watch your child/teen and help identify signals and point out changes you see (clenched jaw, tight fist, red face etc). This is particularly important- build awareness of how it feels in your body to be angry and at different levels of intensity.
Recognizing the progression of anger is essential (irritation to frustration to rage) in learning how to manage anger effectively.

ACTIVITIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD BUILD RECOGNITION OF ANGER SIGNALS:

Color anger in your body. Draw a picture/outline of a person and ask your child to color where in their body they feel anger. Head? Heart? Fists? Talk about what this feels like and why. Talk about what you notice and how you feel anger.
The Anger Thermometer. Draw a thermometer. Label 1-10 (or low/medium/high for younger children). Identify a feeling for each level from calm/peaceful to explosive/out of control. Talk about how each level of anger feels- from irritated/annoyed to frustrated to angry to furious. Talk about what your child/teen/self could do at each level to express anger appropriately and calm (*blog 2 will share ideas about specific calming or coping strategies for each level to add to the anger thermometer.) You can also download: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/anger-thermometer.pdf

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
https://childmind.org/article/angry-kids-dealing-with-explosive-behavior/
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/deal-with-anger.html
https://www.mother.ly/child/proven-techniques-to-help-your-kid-get-control-of-anger
https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/emotional-intelligence/angry-child
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/when-is-anger-a-problem.pdf
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/anger-warning-signs.pdf

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What is Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)? By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

11/5/2020

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Who is PCIT for: For parents who are tired of getting phone calls from school about your child’s behavior; for parents of children who can be destructive on purpose; for parents who are overwhelmed by their child’s tantrums; for parents who are embarrassed by their child’s behavior; for parents who love their child, but struggle to like their child because of challenging behaviors……..

PCIT is an evidence-based treatment for young children (2-7) with behavioral problems. PCIT is conducted through live coaching sessions during which parent(s) and child are in a playroom while the therapist is in an observation room. The therapist coaches the parent through an ear-piece live while the parent learns to manage the child’s behavior.

PCIT includes two treatment phases. The first phase establishes warmth in the parent-child relationship and helps the child to feel calm, secure and increase self-esteem. The first phase may also decrease tantrums, activity levels, negative attention-seeking behaviors, and parental frustration.

The second phase equips parents to manage the most challenging behaviors, while remaining confident, calm and consistent. Parents learn proven strategies to help children accept limits, comply with directions, respect rules and to behavior appropriately in public. This phase will also decrease destructive and defiant behavior, while increasing compliance and respect.

While PCIT is evidence-based for young children, it has been adapted for older children (7-10) as well. PCIT can be offered in the therapist’s office or in one’s own home via telehealth.

For more information about PCIT or to find a PCIT Certified Therapist, go to www.PCIT.org

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Cyberbullying By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

10/22/2020

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In today’s society, the internet and cell phones are used by practically everyone, especially children and teens. There are so many different types of apps, games or social media accounts that put everyone at risk of getting scammed or bullied. Below I’m going to talk about cyberbullying and how to protect your children and teens from it.

What is Cyberbullying?
Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices like a cell phone, computer or tablet. It can occur through SMS, text messages, apps or even online social media, forums or gaming. Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else that causes embarrassment or humiliation. At times, cyberbullying can even cross the line into unlawful or criminal behaviors.

What does it look like?
It’s important to know what cyberbullying looks like so that you can easily recognize it and take action. It’s also important to make sure that your children and teens know what it looks like. Below are some of the most common tactics used.

Posting comments or rumors about someone online that are mean, hurtful, or embarrassing.
Threatening to hurt someone or telling them to kill themselves.
Posing a mean or hurtful picture or video.
Pretending to be someone else online in order to solicit or post personal or false information about someone else.
Posting mean or hateful names, comments, or content about any race, religion, ethnicity, or other personal characteristics online.
Creating a mean or hurtful webpage about someone.
Doxing, an abbreviated form of the word documents, is a form of online harassment used to exact revenge and to threaten and destroy the privacy of individuals by making their personal information public, including addresses, social security, credit card and phone numbers, links to social media accounts, and other private data or other personal characteristics online.

Warning signs a child is being bullied or bullying others:

Noticeable increases or decreases in device use, including texting.
A child exhibits emotional responses (laughter, anger, upset) to what is happening on their device.
A child hides their screen or device when others are near, and avoids discussion about what they are doing on their device.
Social media accounts are shut down or new ones appear.
A child starts to avoid social situations, even those that were enjoyed in the past.
A child becomes withdrawn or depressed, or loses interest in people and activities.

How to prevent and stop cyberbullying:

Talk regularly with your children about online issues. Be specific and let them know that they can come talk to you if they are concerned about something being inappropriate, upsetting or dangerous.
Build trust with your children by setting limits but explaining your reasons for them and discuss rules for safety and Internet use. Get your children involved in establishing the rules so that they are more likely to follow them.
Keep computers in a common area of the home. Monitor their online use.
Learn about the various types of social networking apps and sites. See the link provided. https://www.familyeducation.com/mobile-apps/a-complete-guide-to-potentially-dangerous-apps-all-parents-should-be-aware-of
Tell your children to not respond to any cyberbullying threats or comments. However, make sure they don’t delete any messages. Instead print them out, along with the email addresses or social media handles. This will help prove that there is cyberbullying happening.
If there are threats of physical violence or the bullying continues to escalate, contact law enforcement.
Report cyberbullying on the social media platforms and to schools. Most social media platforms and schools have clear policies and a reporting process.
Don’t over or underreact by either blaming your child or telling them to shrug it off.
Talk to the school’s guidance counselor so they can pay attention to anything happening at school.
Tell your children to not be an accomplice by forwarding messages to other kids.
Set clear expectations with your children about online and messaging behaviors.
Educate your children on the harmful effects of cyberbullying.
Identify which apps are appropriate for your child to use and which are not.

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Breathing to Calm and Feel Better By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

10/15/2020

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Calm breathing helps regulate emotion, lower anxiety, reduce anger, and can help better manage stress. Think about how you breathe when you feel calm and relaxed. Often when a person is feeling calm, breathing is slow and air fills low into the diaphragm. Thoughts are more clear. It is easier to feel present.

Now consider how you breathe when you are angry, upset, anxious, stressed. When people are anxious, angry, or stressed breathing usually becomes faster and is shallow. This type of “chest breathing” can signal a fight or flight response which tells your body that you are in danger. Thinking is not as clear. Behavior is more reactive. It is hard to connect, to learn, to enjoy. This is true for adults and children.

Learning how to deliberately breathe slow and deep into the diaphragm can counter these feelings and send a message to your brain to calm down and relax. This is calm breathing. It is a research supported “go-to” strategy to calm down. It can be done anytime and anywhere, but it does take practice to use effectively.

Two important components of calming breathing: breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth and make sure to exhale longer than inhale.

Try it. Breathe in slowly through your nose. Put one hand on your stomach and feel it rise with the inhale. Place another hand on your chest. Exhale longer through your mouth. The hand on your chest should not move as much as the hand on your stomach while you breathe. Repeat.

Below are different breathing techniques to learn and practice. Do these yourself and with your child.

Techniques to teach belly breathing:

Belly Breathing with a Stuffed Animal: Lie down with your child on floor/bed/couch. Place a stuffed animal on your stomach. Tell your child that the goal is to fill your belly with air and watch the stuffed animal rise when you breathe in (through nose) and drop when you exhale (through your mouth). Demonstrate. Have your child do this with you. Watch the animal rise on inhale and lower on exhale.

Pizza Breathing: Pretend that you are smelling a delicious hot piece of pizza. Slowly take a big breath in through your nose to smell the pizza. Then even slower, blow out through your mouth to cool down the pizza slice.
Balloon Breathing: Have your child put one hand on his/her chest and one on belly. Tell your child to imagine blowing up a balloon in his/her belly. Now, ask your child to breathe in through the nose to inflate the balloon. Feel his or her stomach move out. Have child breathe out through the mouth and say “haaa”. Exhale should be longer than inhale. (See https://gozen.com/belly-breathing-to-calm-your-anxious-child/).
Blowing bubbles, pinwheels, and shape breathing (square and triangle) are also activities that can help show and practice belly breathing. See (https://copingskillsforkids.com/deepbreathing-exercises-for-kids and https://www.pbs.org/parents/crafts-andexperiments/practice-mindfulness-with-belly-breathing).

Slow, deep breathing is one of the best ways to lower stress in the body. Practicing calm breathing daily will reduce stress and help regulate emotions for you and your child. Practicing diaphragmatic breathing on your own and with your child on a regular basis makes it easier to access calm during stressful times. Remind your child that taking short, quick breaths can actually make anxious or angry feelings worse. Sometimes we breathe too much when upset.
Slow down. Breathe less, but deeper. When you make your breathing slower, deeper, and more steady- your body will relax. It is hard to be angry, anxious, or stressed when you are relaxed. And this, increasing calm, certainly is an excellent goal for us all right now

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Parent and Child Psychological Services is a private practice serving children and families in the Sarasota, Florida area. The practice is owned and operated by Dr. Gibson, a Licensed Psychologist who is Board Certified in Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology.

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