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15 Ways to Avoid a Power Struggle with Younger Children By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

1/30/2020

When parents engage in power struggles with their children it actually creates distance and hostility between them. If there is distance and hostility, the children will become resentful, resistant, rebel or will comply but with low self-confidence. When there is closeness and trust within a relationship, you create a safe environment in which to learn. Your ability to be a positive influence will increase greatly when your children feel safe and close to you.

In order for you to provide this environment, you must learn to avoid power struggles. It takes two to create a power struggle. You as the parent must resist engaging in the power struggle in order for there to not be one. Below are 18 ways to help resist the power struggle as well as teach your children responsibility, self-discipline and problem-solving skills.

Create Routines: Get your child involved in creating them and making them. Be creative by having them cut out pictures or draw each step. Then have the routine “be the boss”. For example, “What’s next on the routine?”.
Make a “Wheel of Choice”: With the help of your child, draw a big wheel and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of different solutions to different problems. Let your child draw or write each one in the wheel. When there is conflict, ask the child to choose a solution from their “Wheel of Choice”.
Let your child come up with a solution: Kids are more likely to cooperate when they can get involved in coming up with solutions. A lot of times, if you ask them to come up with an appropriate consequence for a behavior, they will choose something you didn’t think of and sometimes a more strict consequence that you want to give. This will then allow you to “lessen” the consequence that they suggested and you can help them see what’s an appropriate consequence.
Create a Positive Break Area: Create a nurturing area where your child can take a break from what is upsetting them or creating conflict. If they don’t want to go, ask them if it would help if you went with them. If they still don’t want to go, model for them how to use it by telling them that you’re going to go to the break area.
Ask “what” and “how” questions: Ask “what happened?” or “how do you feel about what happened?” “What ideas do you have about how to solve this problem?” Note that these questions only work if you are genuinely curious about what the child is feeling/thinking and only works when the child is no longer in the conflict.
Listen: A lot of times parents struggle with listening to their children and only want to talk or lecture. Use reflective listening by summarizing or repeating back what they have said. Use active listening by trying to understand not only what they are saying but what they are meaning. If you are right, your child will feel understood and feel relief.
Decide what you will do: For example, “I will read a story after teeth are brushed.” Or “I will only drive when seat belts are buckled”.
Follow through: If you give empty threats then your child will not ever think you will go through with anything. Be firm but kind as you follow through.
Supervision, Distraction and Redirection: Children tend to get punished for doing what is developmentally appropriate: exploring. Instead of telling your child what not to do, especially after the fact, tell them what to do before hand.
Use ten words or less: One word can even be sufficient. For example, “toys”, “homework”. But ultimately, avoid lectures.
Invite cooperation: Say, “I can’t make you, but I really need your help”. (10 words)
No words: Sometimes, no words are needed. This may mean pointing or taking your child by the hand and lead them to where they need to go.
Non-verbal signals: Plan in advance with your child what signals you can do to allow your child to know what needs to be done. This could be something like a sheet over the TV to signal that homework needs to be done before watching TV.
Limit Choices: When there are too many choices it can lead to wasting time deciding or could create more opposition. A good example would be saying “Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?”
Hug: Often times giving a hug can change their behavior and yours. It also creates closeness and a safe environment.

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Talking about Death and Supporting Children After Loss By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

1/9/2020

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It may be difficult to know how to respond when a child experiences loss after the death of a family member or loved one. Children manage their grief differently from adults and a child’s reaction and ability to cope with the loss is an individual process. The age of the child, relationship to the person, and temperament of a child will influence how the child is able to cope with loss.

Providing opportunities to talk about and process the loss is important. Be sensitive in responding to your child. Let your child know there are a lot of people in their lives and they will be cared for. If there are questions about you or other loved one dying consider age of child and provide reassurance. Emphasize that you expect to live a long time and that there are a lot of people in their lives and that they will be cared for and loved. Answer questions honestly, but provide a manageable amount of information so not overwhelming a child. Also, a child might repeat questions; answer consistently and understand that it might take time to grasp the finality. Assess what your child knows and clarify any inaccurate information. Provide information as needed and in small doses.

Parents can demonstrate their emotions and model how to communicate their feelings. Letting your child see you grieve and explaining the feelings behind the grief is helpful. Children might react in unexpected ways. Playing can be an adaptive way to cope with feeling overwhelmed. A child might not respond initially or display sadness, anxiety, guilt or anger. Acting out, fluctuating between crying and play, and regressions in behavior might occur.

The handout Helping Your Child Deal with Death provides the following recommendations for parents (https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html)

Use simple, clear words when talking about death with children
Listen and comfort
Put emotions into words (talk about your feelings and encourage children to talk about their feelings)
Tell your child what to expect (explain any anticipated changes in child’s life or routine)
Talk about funerals and rituals (explain what will happen and how people might respond or act) *Also let your child choose if they want to go.
Give your child a role (let child decide what he or she might want to do to help in an unfamiliar and emotional situations)
Help your child remember the person
Respond to emotions with comfort and reassurance
Provide comfort, but don’t dwell on sad feelings (introduce an activity that can help your child feel better)
Have ongoing conversations to check in and give child time to process loss

Consider the age and developmental level of a child when talking with a child about death. Use simple language and concrete terms to explain death. Young children do not yet understand the permanence of death. For example, preschool children might view death as temporary or reversible. Keep your explanations brief and simple with concrete examples (e.g., not breathing anymore, heart is not working, will not see the person again). Children under 12 years of age might not understand the permanence of death. They might concerned about losing a parent or another loved one. Euphemisms can also be confusing and scary (e.g. “went to sleep” or “went to a better place”). Use the words “dead” or “died”. It is okay to say “I don’t know” to questions.

Remembering the person who died and adjusting to life after loss is also part of healthy grieving. Children can share memories, make a scrap-book, watch videos or look at pictures. Reading books together about death and loss also provides guidance and time to talk. There is no time limit on grieving and it is a process. Finally, as a parent or caregiver, it is important to focus on self-care: get adequate sleep, enough exercise and fresh air, try to eat healthy, and seek support when needed.

Additional Resources

Helping Children Deal with Grief: https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-deal-grief/

Resources for Teens: https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/someone-died.html

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15 Ways to Avoid a Power Struggle with Younger Children By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

Talking about Death and Supporting Children After Loss By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

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