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Parent Self-Care By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

3/26/2020

Why Self-Care is Important to Parents?:
When you are a parent, self-care often gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list. After all, you have kids that need your help with homework, getting dressed, basic daily living skills, etc… However, when parents don’t make time for themselves and engage in self-care activities, they are more likely to be stressed, tired, anxious, depressed and have low frustration tolerance. But taking care of yourself isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. If you aren’t decompressing and engaging in activities that you enjoy and recharge you, then you aren’t going to be able to sustain momentum. Especially during the current COVID-19 Pandemic.
If you as the parent begin to experience low energy, frustration, anxiety, depression or any similar symptoms, you will not be able to keep your children from experiencing the same. Kids are very in tune with their parents' emotional state. They may not be able to vocalize or cognitively understand what’s happening, but they are able to pick up on your emotions fairly quickly and easily. If you are feeling anxious or agitated, they will then become uncomfortable and mirror those emotions. This in turn will cause more stress, frustration and faster burnout.
Being “on” and at the ready for your children at all times can cause burnout and turn things that can be everyday enjoyments into feeling like everyday chores. For example, just playing with your kids could begin to feel overwhelming or frustrating. However, if you are recharged from regular self-care, you will be able to enjoy those moments more often. Self-care is not a selfish act but rather it allows you to be the best parent you can be.

What does self-care look like?:
Self-care is anything that you do that is enjoyable and recharges you. But ultimately it’s making time for yourself on many different levels. Below is what that looks like at each level.
Emotionally:

Be creative -- painting, drawing, creating something can all allow you to express your emotions (even baking and cooking have been shown to use the creative parts of your brain and boost mood).
See a therapist -- talking to someone about the stressors of parenting, work or working on coping strategies is always helpful.
Cry -- allow yourself to cry it out.
Write -- journaling is very therapeutic and allows you to get your emotions out of your head.
Find things that make you laugh -- movies, books, shows
Say no to extra responsibilities -- saying no is very important, especially if you already have too much on your plate.

Physically:

Exercise -- on your own preferably but can be with the family
Sleep -- this one can be hard with younger kids but it’s still important to try to make happen. This could look like asking a relative or friend or even a babysitter to watch your kids while you take a nap.
Eat right -- this means getting enough fruits and veggies as well as taking vitamins to help with any gaps in your nutrition.
Get a massage -- massages help with relaxation which can help you recharge
Be affectionate -- either with your partner or even with your kids. But being affectionate is proven to lower stress levels.
Take a hot shower or bath -- hot water raises your internal temperature which allows your body to relax more effectively. You can also add certain essential oils like lavender to increase the relaxation experience.
Go for long walks -- again preferably without kids
Have a cup of calming tea -- chamomile tea is great.
Stretch -- stretching is a great way to relax and can be done anywhere.
Engage in a sport -- tennis, basketball, soccer, etc..

Socially:

Spend time with friends -- go out to eat or get drinks, go see a movie, have a game night
Schedule time to talk to another adult each day.
Facetime or use video calling -- since we can’t get out of the house physically right now, use technology to help with socializing.
Join parenting social group -- look online to find parenting groups that meet up
Join a community sports league

Intellectually:

Read -- read all those books you’ve been meaning to read. Read for fun or for educational purposes.
Play games -- there are tons of games online that you can play that boost your cognitive skills
Do puzzles -- any kind of puzzle is great for your brain
Listen to podcasts or radio shows -- there’s plenty of podcasts on almost every subject. Take advantage of it.
Write -- write stories, poems, songs
Watch documentaries -- with all the streaming platforms out there you are bound to find something you’d like to know more about.
Engage in old or new hobbies
Find a project that you’d like to complete and would be rewarding

Spiritually:

Go to religious services -- a lot of them are offering them online now due to social distancing. Some record them for you to watch at later times if you can’t do it live.
Meditate or pray every morning or evening
Do volunteer work or help out others in your community
Contribute to causes you believe in
Engage in social activities that are uplifting
Spend time outdoors and enjoying nature

How to set boundaries with others, even your kids:
It is important to set boundaries with others so that you can regularly engage in your self-care activities. Setting boundaries can be hard at first and you may even feel guilty. But it is important to remember that you can not be or do your best if you are not recharged and able to decompress. Below are ways to set boundaries with others, even your kids.

Define your boundaries: let others including your children know that you are engaging in activities away from them in order to recharge and be ready to play with them later.
Make expectations known: let others know what you expect from them while you’re engaging in the self-care activities (i.e.: don’t call/text, don’t come in the room, etc…) and what they can expect from you (i.e.: what time you’ll be home, where you will be, how to contact in an emergency, who they can reach out to instead of you for non-emergencies, etc…)
Validate others feelings regarding your absence but don’t give in: others including your kids may try to make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself. But explain to them the importance of you being gone AND how you understand that they are sad or upset about it. Validating feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them but rather that you understand why they may feel that way.
Stick to your boundaries: consistency is always key. If you are not sticking to your boundaries, others will not stick to them either.

Tips for finding time for self care:
Knowing and doing are two separate things. You may know that you need to make time for self-care but how do you do it? Below are different ways to make that happen, even during the social distancing and kids being home from school.

Enlist family, friends, neighbors or even a sitter to watch your kids while you take a walk or spend some time in another room by yourself.
Tag team with your partner: Ask your partner to watch the kids while you go do something and then switch.
If you aren’t able or can’t leave the house, try to just take a shower or bath alone.
Take a day off of work just to engage in a self-care activity.
Ask your partner to take a day off to stay with the kids so you can have a self-care day.
You and your partner can take a day off while the kids are at school and do something together.
Hire a sitter so you can go out with friends or go see a movie or anything
If your child still takes naps, do something for yourself while they are napping
Schedule it like any other appointment. This will make it more likely that you will keep it.
Take time when you can. Be flexible when opportunities arise and you find yourself with time on your hands. Even if it’s only a half hour.

Lastly, sometimes you are in a situation where you can’t take time for yourself. For example, with the social distancing. Below are activities you can do that promote self-care with your kids. Plus it will help them de-stress and re-energize.

Practice taking deep breaths -- there are lots of youtube videos online to help with doing this correctly.
Have a dance party
Go for a walk
Watch a funny video or show
Read each other jokes
Read a book together
Draw or color together
Listen to music together
Do each other’s hair
Dress up together
Make a comic or a short story
Play games
Make a fort
Plan your favorite vacation or your perfect day
Look up receipts to cook now or later

Self-care is vital for everyone but especially parents. Don’t put yourself last. It’s like the safety tip when flying. You need to put on your oxygen mask before you can help anyone else, even your kids.

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Managing Worry, Especially in the Time of Coronavirus: What if… and What else… by Dr Kirsten Ellingsen

3/14/2020

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Everyone worries. Take a moment to think about the automatic “worry thoughts” you had when trying to fall asleep last night or getting yourself (and everyone else) out the door this morning. Passing thoughts of what is supposed to happen, what needs to happen, what might happen… These thoughts might be particularly problematic now as many adults and children are experiencing a heighten amount of worry and anxiety with the spreading Coronavirus disease.

The first part of this blog will address helping children manage worry generally. Given the emerging concerns and impact of the Coronavirus disease / COVID-19, there is a second part of the blog that specifically addresses worry to help parents support children around this situation.

Part 1: General Worry Support for Kids

It is normal for children to experience worry and be afraid at times. A common trajectory of the different types of worry that children might have at different ages and developmental stages includes:

Infants (0-1) often have a fear of strangers
Toddlers (2-3) commonly experience separation anxiety from parents/caregivers
Preschool age children (3-5) express fear of the dark, scary dreams, and concerns about “pretend” things such as imaginary creatures and masked characters, as well as loud noises such as thunder or fireworks
Tests, grades, natural disasters, fitting in with friends, bullies, being left out, death, and “bad guys” breaking into the house are common concerns for elementary school age children (7+ years of age) who often share concerns about “real-life” dangers
School success, academic performance, friendships, physical appearance and social status are common worries for pre-teens and teenagers

Worry can be productive and facilitate planning and problem solving for an upcoming event or figuring out how to prepare for an upcoming challenge. It can enhance focus and motivation. For example, if your child is worried about an upcoming test- this can encourage productive studying and enhance performance to be beneficial for academic achievement or if there was a hurricane predicted, you might use your concern to gather supplies and be ready to evacuate if necessary. Worry can help a child be more cautious and moderate risk when there is real danger.

When worry is addressed or facilitates productive action it is a manageable and helpful part of normal life. However, worry is an ineffective method to solve problems if thoughts begin to focus on extremes (the “what if…” 1% possible negative outcome discussions), become stuck or out of balance, and are left unchallenged. When worry is excessive, frequent and/or interferes with enjoying and full functioning in life it can become a serious problem. It can also be a problem when the worry is unrealistic and the risk is significantly exaggerated to cause a child to not participate in an expected or otherwise enjoyable activity.
Worry is the thought component of anxiety. Physical sensations (our fight or flight response) and emotional reactions are also part of anxiety. Relaxation strategies (diaphragmatic “belly” breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and guided imagery) can help reduce the physiological symptoms of anxiety. Some suggestions for helping children manage anxious thoughts and worry (particularly when it is problematic) are presented below.

TIPS and TECHNIQUES FOR MANAGING WORRY

Teaching children that they can reduce worry and that worry thoughts are connected to how they feel is the first step to helping them effectively manage worry. Helping children identify and choose more helpful and realistic thoughts is the goal, so that children realize that they are able to handle worry and feel better by noticing and transforming self-talk, perspective, and the thoughts.

For young children and infants experiencing common worries offer comfort. Hug your child, soothe your child, say comforting words, and help him or her feel safe. Offer calm reassurance and connect with your child.

Limit scary images and shows for young children.
Be calm and listen to your child or teen, ask how he or she is doing.
Show that you care and that you understand concerns.
Help your child identify and express his or her feelings.

For older children and teens help turn worries into action steps to prepare for challenges. Facilitate problem solving and work together to come up with a plan rather than offering a solution or fixing the problem so your child is empowered to address the problem.

Help keep the worry in perspective. Validate feelings first. Don’t minimize feelings or dismiss worry (how helpful is it when someone dismissively tells us a concern is “no big deal” or tells us to relax when we are worried). Listen. Model calm. Acknowledge concerns and then help them come up with more useful thoughts.
Model healthy coping and express how you manage worries.
If worry is problematic, ask your child to tell you another helpful thought after the worry thoughts. If worry is unrealistic and out of proportion to the situation, provide alternative perspectives after listening and validating concern.
Ask what is the worst thing, best thing and most likely thing to happen?
Limit worry time. Designate 30 minutes (not near bedtime) to write worry or talk about worries. If worry thoughts occur during the day, remind the child to postpone thinking about worries until that set time.
Often worry begins with “what if” questions. When a child is concerned or scared about a what if this happens you can guide them to coming up with more helpful and realistic possible outcomes. One-way to do this is to ask your child to give you some “what else” endings to the worry thought.

Part 2: Worry and the Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)

Uncertainty. A cornerstone of worry. Add the following: Global pandemic. Highly contagious. Unknown impact on health. Ongoing media updates of predicted infection rates. Now add concerns about limited health care system resources and response. Stock market impact and potential work loss. Finally, add school closures and the challenging of finding toilet paper and hand sanitizer. My heart rate is staring to increase, yours?

It is no wonder that the level of worry for many adults and children is high. Along with trying to keep up with the continuously updated infection rates and emerging scientific data and research findings are the barrage of social media posts of warnings, personal stories, and opinions. For many of us there is also a concern for those in our family who might be at higher risk for serious illness due to compromised immune systems, age, recent travel, underlying health conditions, or working front line in a clinic or hospital setting. So how do we manage the worry and support our children during this time of uncertainty?

Below are some additional specific strategies for managing worry in this evolving situation.

Prepared not panicked. Focus on what is in your control. Aim for preparedness and not panic. Worry is helpful to facilitate problem solving and planning when it is realistic and can be used to identify action steps and taking action. Only thinking about what could happen, what might happen or worst-case scenarios without making and taking action will make you feel bad and is a very ineffective way to manage stress or problem solve.

Hand-washing and social distancing are choices that can minimize exposure and help slow the spread to help reduce possibility of overburden on hospitals. Stocking up on two weeks of essentials (food, drinks, medications) is one way to be prepared. This will help if (when) social distancing is recommended or requests to self-isolate.

Develop a plan consistent with CDC guidelines for reducing exposure and risk of infection, and follow recommended CDC steps if you have symptoms or become ill.

Here is a helpful step-by-step approach to help with uncertainty (5 Steps to Living with Uncertainty During Coronavirus. A guide for responding to anxiety and lack of control (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/biofeedback-and-mindfulness-in-everyday-life/202003/5-steps-living-uncertainty-during)

Check the facts. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provides updated information about prevalence and findings from ongoing research being conducted around the world. (See https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/index.html)

Limiting time spent reading about and thinking about Coronavirus and COVID-19. Try to limit time reading about the Coronavirus. Limit social media use and check reliable evidence based reputable sources only a few times a day. One strategy to limit worry is to give yourself a designated time to think about or read about it. Any automatic worry thoughts that arise get dismissed to a designated time (and tell yourself, I will think about that at X time. Preferably not near bedtime to minimize disruption to sleep.

Talk with your children. It is almost certain that your children have heard about Coronavirus/COVID-19. Ask what they know and clear up misconceptions. Answer questions with clear and developmentally appropriate information. Know what you want to say before having the conversation. Presenting information in a calm manner can help a child understand what is happening and manage worry. Assure safety. Reinforce what they can do and what might happen (If schools close, coming up with a new routine and plan and letting children help make some decisions will help with the transition). Limit time children view stories and news coverage and consider age and temperament of child when addressing questions.

Tips for Addressing Children’s Worry: See blog above for general strategies. Address children’s concerns calmly and with compassion. Try to be in a calm state when talking with your child. Don’t minimize or dismiss concerns. Let children express fears and concerns. Gently guide a balanced perspective and offer comfort. It is ok to not have the answer to some questions. It is ok to tell children, let me worry about that. I will come up with a plan and we will stay as safe and healthy as possible.

This is a particularly good resource with a table that outlines some possible child reactions according to age group and the best ways you can respond. NCTSN Parent/Caregiver Guide to Helping Families Cope With the Coronavirus Disease 2019 https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources/fact-sheet/outbreak_factsheet_1.pdf

For example, for Preschool aged children: recommendations to maintain routines, provide calm activities before bedtime, provide reassurance, have patience, allow temporary sleep arrangement changes as anxiety might be displayed by expressing fear of being alone, bad dreams, bed wetting, change in eating, increased temper tantrums or clinging behaviors as a reaction to worry and fears about this situation.

School age children might have stomachaches or report physical symptoms, show sleep and appetite disturbance, or withdrawal from peers and exhibit forgetfulness about what they learned. Parent recommendations included helping children do regular exercise, talk about the situation and encourage questions, allow connection to friends via phone or internet, and play education games or activities.

Self-care: This is essential. Get adequate sleep. Exercise. Eat healthy. Practice relaxation strategies (diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation). If you are having a hard time managing your own anxiety, please seek support.

When is worry a problem? While all children worry, some worry more than others and it can affect their enjoyment and engagement in life activities. Worry is problematic when it is excessive, lasts longer than expected for age, and interferes with functioning at home or school. If you have concerns about anxiety please talk with your pediatrician or a child therapist. If you want more help in addressing your child’s worry or managing anxiety we are happy to help.

RESOURCES AND REFERENCES

Helping Kids Handle Worry at https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/worrying.html
https://www.nemours.org/patientfamily/khlibrary/articles/anxiety.html)
https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Resource_Centers/Anxiety_Disorder_Resource_Center/FAQ.aspx#anxietyfaq1
What is Worry worksheet: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/what-is-worry.pdf
Go Zen 49 phrases to calm an anxious child (https://gozen.com/49-phrases-to-calm-an-anxious-child/)

Coronavirus / COVID-19 Resources:

Parent/Caregiver Guide to Helping Families Cope With the Coronavirus Disease 2019

https://www.nctsn.org/resources/parent-caregiver-guide-to-helping-families-cope-with-the-coronavirus-disease-2019

CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/index.html

World Health Organization, WHO: https://www.who.int/health-topics/coronavirus
Resource for Pregnant Women: What you need to know about the coronavirus if you are pregnant or postpartum: https://pebbleparents.com/coronavirus/?eType=EmailBlastContent&eId=e5a41508-9ccc-4fa4-bfca-8bea43479958

Children’s books that address worry:

What to do when you worry too much: A children’s guide to overcoming anxiety. Worry Says What?
Don’t feed the worry bug
Hey Warrior
When My worries get too big
Emma’s Worry clouds

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7 Effective Ways to Ask for Help By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

3/5/2020

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For some people asking for help is very easy and natural. For others, it makes them feel vulnerable, weak or like a burden. However, everyone needs help from time to time. For those that find it hard to ask, it’s important to set yourself up for success. Below are seven effective ways to get the help you need and help you not feel so bad for asking.

1. Demonstrate and make it clear that you have tried to help yourself.

People are more willing to help others who have attempted to help themselves first. When you ask for help from someone, give a brief explanation of what you’ve already tried to do. This not only allows the person to know that you attempted but also what you have already tried and what didn’t work. It’s important to make sure that you don’t go into too much detail but give more specific bullet points.

2. Demonstrate that you have acted and taken the person's advice previously.

It’s hard for someone to be willing to put effort into helping you problem solve if in the past you haven’t ever taken their advice. Let the person know how you’ve acted on their previous advice and the success you had from it. People are more willing to help you if they know that they have helped you in the past.

3. Pay attention to the timing of your request.

Make sure that you are not asking at the last minute or at a time that is not convenient for them to talk with you. If you are unsure as to what would be a more convenient time, just ask them. For example, you could say “I’d like to ask you for some help with something. When would be the best time for us to talk?”

4. Use the “foot-in-the-door” or the “door-in-the-face”.

These two tactics are fairly sneaky and should only be used sparingly. The foot-in-the-door technique is when you make a small request first to get the person into “yes” mode, before you make a larger request. The door-in-the-face technique is when you make a large request, get denied, and then make a smaller request, which seems more reasonable due to the earlier unreasonable request.

5. Don’t make someone guess what you want.

When asking for help, make sure the person knows exactly what you are looking for and what you want. People don’t often know exactly how they can help you, so be specific. Directly asking can be hard initially but with practice you will feel more comfortable with it. In addition, people feel good after helping others, so keep in mind that you are giving them an opportunity to boost their mood.

6. Make your requests using multiple channels.

This technique is especially useful with customer service situations. Often there are many different avenues available to ask for help. For example, the phone, live chat, secure messaging, face-to-face, and/or social media. It’s important to try these different ways in order to get what you are looking for. In addition, there is always someone higher up that can be of more assistance. If you find that the initial person is not able to help, ask to speak to someone that would have the answer.

7. Give help.

If you offer and give help to others, they are more willing to offer and give help back to you. This is particularly true in close relationships. People like to feel that they are not always the one getting asked for help and that you are willing to do the same for them. Plus it feels good to help others.

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Photos from Marco Verch (CC BY 2.0), verchmarco, wriggly_toes, verchmarco

Parent Self-Care By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

Managing Worry, Especially in the Time of Coronavirus: What if… and What else… by Dr Kirsten Ellingsen

7 Effective Ways to Ask for Help By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

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