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The Importance of Chores for Kids at Any Age By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

7/22/2021

  Not many people like doing chores, especially children but it is a necessary part of life. Some parents question whether they should make their children do any chores because they just want their kids to be kids or they don’t trust them to do it the “right” way. However, there are many benefits to children doing chores and these benefits will carry into adulthood. As parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to be successful when they grow up. Giving kids chores is one way to do that.

   Chores help your children feel wanted, teach important life lessons, help ease the workload on parents, teach work ethic, responsibility, time management and self-reliance. They can help build up self-esteem and teach your children the importance of respecting and taking care of themselves, others and their possessions.

   Some parents aren’t sure when they should start chores with their children and the good news is that you can start from age 2 on. It’s important to note that children are not always going to do the chores the way you may do them and that’s okay. The goal, especially with the younger children, is to teach them responsibility and to get them in the habit of helping out. While they are doing the task, make sure to give them a lot of praise and encouragement. If you are too critical of them or how they are doing it, then it will lower their self-esteem and make them have a negative association with chores. Below are some chores your children can do at each age.

Toddlers (ages 2-3) (At this age, kids will need supervision)

Put their toys away
Fill up a pets food bowl
Place clothes in the hamper
Dust or wipe baseboards with socks on their hands (they’ll love this one)
Put books or magazines on shelves or tables
Help make the bed
Help set the table

Preschoolers (ages 4-5) (At this age, kids will not need supervision for everything)

Make their bed
Clear the table
Pull weeds
Water flowers
Use a hand-held vacuum for some messes
Put away clean utensils
Help bring in light groceries
Sort laundry into different categories (whites or colors)
Match socks together
Dust with a cloth
Feed and water their pets

Primary Schoolers (ages 6-9) (At this age, they will need a lot less supervision)

Sweep floors
Help make lunches for school
Rake the yard
Clean their own bedrooms
Put away groceries
Load the dishwasher
Empty the dishes
Vacuum
Help prepare dinner with the parent
Make their own snacks/breakfast
Scrub the table after meals
Put away their own laundry
Walk the dog (with supervision)
Wet mop
Take out the trash or recycling

Middle Schoolers (Ages 10-13) (In addition to any of the tasks listed above…)

Wash the dishes or load the dishwasher
Wash the family car
Prepare easy meals without assistance
Wash their own clothes
Take the trash or recycling bins to the curb
Babysit younger siblings with parents at home

High Schoolers (Ages 14+) (In addition to any of the tasks listed above…)

Clean out the refrigerator
Help deep clean the kitchen
Clean the bathroom including toilet, sink and shower
Babysit younger siblings without parents in the home (short periods for younger teens)
Mow the lawn
Care for pets, including walks
Make more complex meals
Accomplish small shopping trips alone once they get a license
Iron clothes
Help parents with simple home or auto repairs

As a parent, it’s important to remember that your child will not always enjoy or like the chores or responsibilities that you give them. One way to help reduce some of the resistance is to give your children a choice in what they can do to help out. This is especially helpful as your children get older. If they feel like they have a choice it will help them resist less. However, no matter what the chore or responsibility they have, make sure to keep encouraging them and giving them positive feedback.

Resources:
https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/chores/the-ultimate-list-of-age-appropriate-chores/#gs.5yiu7z

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out-outside-in/201908/why-chores-are-important-kids

https://www.momentumlife.co.nz/stories/why-kids-should-have-chores

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A Better Way to Validate: AND not BUT By Kirsten Ellngsen, PhD

7/15/2021

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Validating “in the moment” feelings of a child or teen is a wonderful way to connect and strengthen a relationship. You are demonstrating empathy, building social-emotional development, and teaching compassion. You do not have to agree with the behavior, the interpretation of events, or even the appropriateness of an emotional reaction. The goal of validating is to help children feel heard, seen or understood.

Think about how you feel when a friend, spouse or partner acknowledges what you are experiencing emotionally, just allows you to have and express emotion (without judgement or unsolicited advice). Your perspective and experience are valued. It can help hard moments, even when no problems are solved or when issues are not necessarily “solvable”.

Simply reflecting the feelings and identifying the emotion in a situation can improve a person’s willingness to communicate and share thoughts that build closeness. Yet, consider how it feels to have another person recognize your feelings then right away point out what you could have done differently to prevent a difficult situation or undesired outcome. How it feels if someone dismisses or minimizes your feelings when an outcome was not in your control.

The act of acknowledging the feeling is the point here. Especially when a child or teen seems overwhelmed by emotion. Feelings pass. They change in intensity. They are not bad or right or wrong or need to be argued against. This is not the time for “teaching” for “correcting” or “scolding, I told you so”. When parents acknowledge and pause without a lecture or command, a remarkable emotional shift can happen. This can lead to better reflection, self-awareness, and future communication.

Step 1: Validate and Pause

Breathe slowly
Look at your child and try to see situation from his or her perspective
Calm your voice and tone
Calm and relax your face, your hands, let go of muscle tension to reduce intensity
Label and reflect the FEELING (sad, angry, scared, excited, frustrated)
Take a pause. (Wait and keep breathing calmly especially when the child is very upset. Minimize what you say- the more a child is upset the less you say here).

It is not always easy to calmly validate a child’s feelings or experience when a reaction does not seem reasonable or understandable to you. Just reflecting the feeling and trying to see it from the child’s perspective is the start. It sends the message that “I see you” and “I accept and can handle your emotions”.

This approach is particularly helpful when emotions are strong. When a child is very upset and when you, as a parent, might be triggered, tired, and surprised by a reaction. Sometimes this reflection and pause is enough. A child/teen has space to feel the feeling and can move on.

Validating or reflecting feelings does not mean agreeing with behavior. It does not
mean accepting any reaction or not having expectations for appropriate actions. It also does not always mean understanding an emotional response. However, just repeating back and labeling the feeling calmly will often allow a more productive conversation about the reasons for the response.

The child does not have to get his or her way for an unreasonable demand. Validating a feeling or emotional reaction to an experience does not mean allowing aggressive, hurtful, or destructive behavior. Consistent consequences and discipline might need to occur depending on the BEHAVIOR. Expectations for behavior and how to express strong emotions are essential for safety and helping a child learn to regulate and function well at home and school. When the behaviors are problematic then problem solving options and choices for how to manage strong emotions is needed later when everyone is truly calm.

Step 2: AND not BUT…. A helpful one-word switch

When a child is feeling angry, sad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, excited, happy etc. it is also important that validating the feeling state is not “invalidated” by the word “BUT”. Consider how it feels when someone dismisses, minimizes, or ignores your expressed emotions.

Reflecting a child’s feeling then blaming the child is not comforting or relationship strengthening (e.g, “Oh, you burned your finger look sad, that must hurt, BUT I told you not to touch the hot stove, so…”). Dismissing a feeling can also occur with BUT (e.g., “You are feeling scared to get the shot, BUT it is no big deal” vs “You said you are feeling scared to get the shot, I know this is hard AND I know you can do it”. “You are disappointed that it is raining so you can’t meet your friends at the beach, BUT we can’t control the weather” vs “I see you are disappointed, AND I understand why, you were looking forward to being with your friends”. Telling a child what to do “you are feeling angry BUT you better calm down” vs “you are feeling angry AND that is hard. What can I do to help?”).

Using the word “AND” rather than “BUT” when validating a child’s feelings can shorten tantrums, reduce anger, encourage courage, and generally help regulate negative emotions faster. This is not the time to tell a child how to feel, to dismiss or minimize feelings. Try to take your child’s perspective before reacting.

Having rules and expectations for behavior is important. If emotions are expressed in aggressive ACTIONS, there should be a later opportunity to address underlying issues and problem solve, and to talk about behavior choices. (*Of course, if your child is behaving aggressive or you are having a hard time managing your reaction STEP AWAY to calm. Make sure child is SAFE (and remove potentially dangerous objects).

Having negative thoughts and emotions and learning how to express these productively will help build social emotional skills and resiliency. Validating the feelings and experiences of your child or teen will strengthen your relationship.

For more about levels of validation see: https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/understanding-the-levels-of-validation#1

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The Hungarian Horntail: Anticipatory Anxiety (for Harry Potter Fans) By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

7/6/2021

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Anticipatory anxiety is a common issue. Anticipatory anxiety is often characterized by physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate, rapid pulse, shallow rapid breathing, stomachaches, headaches, and sweating, all of which arise when thinking about an upcoming event, as significant as a final exam or as simple as having to order your own ice cream.

Anticipatory anxiety tends to occur when one thinks about what may happen in a particular setting or situation (that hasn’t happened yet), with usually a negative outcome, which can then cause great anxiety. For example, a child may think that there is no way they will pass this upcoming test and it is going to be the worst day of their life. Then, cue the physical symptoms and behavioral issues (e.g. refusing to go to school).

Most often, the anxiety leading up to the event is significantly worse than during the actual event. Even so, this is a hard concept for children (and adults!) to wrap their heads around. I love using metaphors to help children (and adults!) understand these concepts and use them to challenge those catastrophic thoughts.

Here is one of my favorites:

Harry Potter is in his 4th year at Hogwarts. Someone puts his name into the goblet of fire and he has to participate in challenges that he is not deemed old enough for. Harry has two weeks until the first task, which is an eternity when anticipatory anxiety presents itself! Harry “felt as though it [the first task] were crouching ahead of him like some horrific monster...He had never suffered nerves like these...Harry was finding it hard to think about the future at all. He felt as though his whole life had been leading up to and would finish with the first task”.

Over the next two weeks, Harry is “feeling too queasy to eat”; his “brain filled with a sort of blank buzzing, which didn’t seem to allow room for concentration”; he “barely slept that night”; “he seriously considered for the first time ever just running away from Hogwarts”; “he finished his bacon with difficulty (his throat wasn’t working too well)”; “Harry felt oddly separate from everyone around him”; “it was a state of nervousness so advanced that he wondered whether he mightn’t just lose his head”; “Harry felt separate from the crowd as though they were a different species”; “horrible pictures formed in Harry’s mind”; he was “very aware of the way his heart was pumping fast and his fingers tingling with fear…..yet at the same time he seemed to be outside himself”; “he stood up, noticing dimly that his legs seemed to be made of marshmallow”; “the panic rising into a crescendo inside him”; “he was everything in front of him as though it was a very highly colored dream”.......

Cue the actual event that he has been dreading. Harry now has to go head-to-head with the Hungarian Horntail dragon. Harry has spent two weeks in a panic, not eating, not sleeping, feeling disconnected from the world, not being able to concentrate, and now…..

“He swung his leg over the broom and kicked off from the ground. And a second later, something miraculous happened…….he realized that he had left not only the gound behind, but also his fear…...his heart lighter than it had been in weeks”.

Harry faced the Hungarian Horntail and it was not even remotely as bad as he thought it would be! In fact, he knew exactly what to do and his body kicked right into action.

This story is a great metaphor for children to help them understand how thinking about it ahead of time is usually way worse than the actual event. Talk to children about what Harry could have tried to challenge the thoughts and panic that he endured for those two weeks. Maybe Harry could have practiced positive self talk, deep breathing or used exercise to clear his mind. The possibilities are endless and children will come up with amazing ways to help Harry. Then, they can finally understand how those same ideas could help them, too.

References

Rowling, J. K., author. (2002). Harry Potter and the goblet of fire. New York :Scholastic.

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Photos used under Creative Commons from verchmarco, wriggly_toes, verchmarco

The Importance of Chores for Kids at Any Age By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

A Better Way to Validate: AND not BUT By Kirsten Ellngsen, PhD

The Hungarian Horntail: Anticipatory Anxiety (for Harry Potter Fans) By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

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