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Conflict Resolution Skills to Teach Your Children By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

9/30/2021

Conflict is never something that is desired but it is a normal part of life. It is something that everyone deals with on a fairly regular basis. Teaching your children practical ways to manage conflict, in a healthy way, will help them navigate all the little arguments and the big arguments. Research has shown that children who learn how to manage conflict are happier, have healthy friendships and even do better in school. Below are some ways to help your child learn how to manage their emotions and manage conflict in more productive ways.

Be a positive role model for your children.
You as the parent/caregiver play an important role in helping your child manage conflict. They pay attention to everything you do and reflect that into how they manage life. If they see you yelling at others, calling them names or using intimidation tactics with others, then that’s how they are going to act during conflict. However, if they see that you are calm, collected and respectful, then that’s how they will learn how to respond.
Another important aspect to role model for your child is empathy. Listening and empathizing not only helps your child feel heard and understood but it also teaches them how to empathize with others. Start with getting down to their eye level and reflect how your child feels back to them. For example, “it sounds like you’re frustrated and disappointed that they didn’t want to play with you.”

Help your child learn to identify feelings.
A big part of managing conflict is being able to manage your own feelings. When children aren’t able to properly identify their feelings, they begin to act out. By teaching your child about feelings and practicing with them how to verbalize their feelings, they will begin to incorporate that into the moments when there is conflict or disagreements.
Other ways to help children learn about feelings are

Visual feelings charts - typically feelings faces/expressions to demonstrate different emotions.
The stoplight - use red, yellow and green stoplight to identify the intensity level that each feeling is at.
Emotional thermometer - this can be used to determine how “heated” they are and decide whether they need to calm down before proceeding.

Identify the source of the conflict.
Only after your child has calmed down, do you want to begin to identify the problem. For younger children, this can be very difficult due to not having the emotional awareness to identify the source. As the parent/caregiver, you will need to assist them in understanding why they are arguing or fighting. Helping your child get to the root of the problem will help them begin to identify ways to solve the problem.

Teach effective communication skills.
Help your child learn how to express their feelings, wants and needs to others in a respectful manner.
Teach them to:

Use “I feel” statements to help express their feelings to others. For example “I feel sad when you don’t want to play with me.”
Avoid name calling, hurtful words or aggressive behaviors
Talk opening and directly to the other person
Listen carefully to the other person by making eye contact and avoiding interrupting
Understand others by repeating back what they other person said to them

Build Problem Solving Skills.
Often parents/caregivers tend to struggle with allowing their children to solve their problems. It’s easier as a parent to tell your child how to fix the issue because oftentimes it is an easy solution. However, it’s important to not deprive your child of learning how to solve their own problems. For younger children, they may need a little more help but you can still allow space for them to try to identify how to solve the problem.
There are many different ways to help your child with problem solving. Below are some of those strategies.

Brainstorm a big list of solutions - trying not to eliminate any possible idea even if you know it won’t work.
Using the list of solutions, help them think out each one to see if it will really work and what the possible consequence or outcome might occur from it.
Talk to them about being flexible and identifying ways to compromise.
Ask them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and see if any of the solutions wouldn’t work for the other person.
Help them put the solution into action, emphasizing that they may need to try a few different solutions before finding the right one.

As with adults, kids will experience ups and downs with their friendships. By teaching them how to manage those moments, they will be better equipped to resolve them quickly and be able to move forward and preserve the friendship.

https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-how-to-deal-with-conflict/

https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/helping-kids-handle-conflict

https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/5-strategies-to-help-kids-resolve-conflict

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A Good Start for Children: The Importance of Supporting Pregnant and Postpartum Mothers. By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

9/16/2021

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Supporting mothers starting at conception is related to positive outcomes for children. Positive mental health and wellness during pregnancy and the postpartum period can promote early brain development for infants, strengthen parent-child attachment, and improve family functioning. It has also been connected to reduced cost of medical care, lower rates of child abuse and neglect, and fewer relationship problems between parents.

Anxiety and depression during the perinatal period are common. (The perinatal period referring to the time from conception until one year after birth.) While “Postpartum Depression” (PPD) is the often-used term, there are a spectrum of different related mental health disorders that affect mothers during pregnancy and postpartum (e.g., Depression or Anxiety during pregnancy, perinatal OCD, Postpartum Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). Together these are referred to as PMADs (Perinatal Mood Anxiety Disorders).

Although the exact rate is not known, research has found that up to 30% of women experience a PMAD (the often-cited statistic is between 14% and 20% of the general population). Another study from 2018 found 35% of pregnant women experienced high anxiety. Anxiety during pregnancy has been connected to more adverse outcomes in pregnancy and delivery as well as higher rates of depression after birth. Rates of prenatal depression during the pandemic have been even higher.

Despite the potential consequences, maternal mental health and wellness during pregnancy and the first year after giving birth remains a poorly addressed health need. The number of women who receive adequate therapeutic support is low. Depression and anxiety are often not adequately screened for or diagnosed during pregnancy and within the first year after giving birth. Most women do not get the support they need. An alarming statistic is that only 15% of women who suffer from anxiety or depression during the perinatal period get support they need. Some studies even found lower rates that less than 10% of women who need it receive adequate treatment.

Rates of depression and anxiety can be significantly reduced with universal screening evidence-based support and services. While 60-80% of women experience the “Baby blues” during the first few weeks after birth, if symptoms persist longer than 2 weeks, it could be an indicator of PPD. Severity and duration of symptoms will help determine diagnosis. Without adequate intervention there could be long term negative outcomes for parents and children.

For a detailed Action Plan for Depression and Anxiety around Pregnancy see: https://www.nichd.nih.gov/sites/default/files/publications/pubs/Documents/ActionPlan_DepressionAnxiety.pdf

Signs and Symptoms: For a definition of perinatal depression as well as a list of signs and symptoms visit the National Institute of Mental Health website https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/perinatal-depression.
Reducing anxiety, depression, and stress during and after pregnancy is related to significantly better outcomes for infants, mothers, and families. If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, are overwhelmed, lack of feelings or connection to your baby, anxiety, have high agitation, or social isolation please reach out for support.

PMADs are not your fault, you are not to blame, and you are not alone. The symptoms can be significantly reduced and you can feel better and receive help with appropriate evidence-based therapy and safe medication if needed.

Talk with your physician, search for trained providers and support groups on https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/ or call PSI Helpline: (800) 944-4PPD or Text “Help” to 800-944-4773 (English) Text 971-203-7773 en Español.

Additional Resources and Information

Postpartum Support International (PSI) https://www.postpartum.net

Florida Maternal Mental Health Collaborative: https://www.flmomsmatter.org/pmad-facts

APA: https://www.apa.org/pi/women/resources/reports/postpartum-depression-brochure-2007.pdf and https://www.apa.org/pi/women/resources/reports/postpartum-depression

If You Know Someone in Crisis: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Dial 911 in an emergency.
Call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. All calls are confidential.
Contact the Crisis Text Line 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, by texting HELLO to 741741.

RESEARCH

Kendig, S., Keats, J. P., Hoffman, M. C., Kay, L. B., Miller, E. S., Moore Simas, T. A., Frieder, A., Hackley, B., Indman, P., Raines, C., Semenuk, K., Wisner, K. L., & Lemieux, L. A. (2017). Consensus Bundle on Maternal Mental Health: Perinatal Depression and Anxiety. JOGNN - Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing, 46(2), 272-281. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jogn.2017.01.001

Nakić Radoš, S., Tadinac, M., & Herman, R. (2018). Anxiety During Pregnancy and Postpartum: Course, Predictors and Comorbidity with Postpartum Depression. Acta clinica Croatica, 57(1), 39–51. https://doi.org/10.20471/acc.2017.56.04.05

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Mind Over Matter: Moving from Anxious to Confident Parenting By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

9/9/2021

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Many parents and caregivers we work with are already walking on eggshells around their children, whether their children are struggling with anxiety or behavior problems. When kids are having behavior problems parents are trying as hard as they can to not set off those outbursts. And when kids are anxious, parents are trying as hard as they can to keep their kids safe from those uncomfortable feelings of fear and worry. This is all completely understandable. Unfortunately, that adult anxiety often feeds into the challenges the kids are facing. When we want our kids to regulate their emotions better, whether that is fear or anger or any variety of emotions, the first emotion we need to regulate is our own. When children with behavior problems pick up on their parent’s anxiety they are more likely to keep challenging their parents. Anxious kids who pick up on their parent’s anxiety are more likely to think that there really is a reason to be so scared and worried. Luckily, there is a ton you can do as a parent or caregiver to regulate your own anxiety! Strategies involving both our mind and our body are important for gaining a calm equilibrium to allow us to go into parenting with more confidence.

Before you begin supporting your worried child through an anxious moment or trying to set a limit with your defiant little one carve out a few minutes ahead of time to prepare yourself. Use these coping ideas to get ready for tough parenting moments.

Physical strategies for anxious symptoms:

Diaphragmatic Breathing

This helps with rapid heartbeat and butterflies in the stomach. Start with an exhale to make space for your next breath. Breathe in slowly for about 3 seconds through your nose pulling the air straight down into your stomach. Hold the breath for a second. Breathe out very slowly and audibly through your mouth for about 5 seconds.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in our bodies which helps relieve the tension we are holding. Start by squeezing both hands into fists and holding tight for 3 seconds then releasing them and dropping your arms by your sides. Go through the muscles in your arms, stomach, legs and feet. Also make sure to lift your shoulders up to your ears, hold and release. We carry a lot of tension in our upper back and shoulders.

Stretching

Raise your arms above your head, roll your shoulders forward and backward, lean your head side to side. Any stretch that helps you loosen up some of those tight muscles will be helpful.

Grounding with Senses

There are tons of ways to ground using your 5 senses. You can find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. You can grab a piece of chocolate, a mint or gum. Then go through each sense before you pop it in your mouth and as you are chewing it. You can count how many things you can find of a certain color. Grounding keeps you present in the moment. It can also help get your thinking mind back in charge when emotions have taken over.

Cognitive strategies for boosting confidence:

Positive Self Talk

How we talk to ourselves (and our children) matters. Be kind to yourself. If you are thinking negative things about yourself, your child or your parenting work on thinking more positive things. Tell yourself you can do this, you are capable, you can handle this, you are a good person and a good parent. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have your own feelings come up, but that you can handle them.

Refocusing

Focus your thinking on something else on purpose. Remind yourself of the goals you have for your child, for yourself or for your parenting. Remind yourself of your strengths and your child’s strengths.

Imagery

The great thing about imagining yourself doing something with complete confidence and success is that our nervous system doesn’t know the difference between when we are imagining something in our head and truly experiencing it in real life (Bessel Van der Kolk). So, we can literally rewire our nervous system by picturing ourselves doing something exactly the way we want to do it. Picture every detail- what you will say, how you will say it, what your body language and facial expression will look like, and how it will feel.

If you forget to do these things ahead of time you can use some of these same strategies during the moment to regulate yourself as well.

If you know you are doing something that worries your child, check your own thinking and scan your body for anxious symptoms. If you’re worried, try to get your own worry under control first. Use a couple of the ideas above. If you believe your child can do it (whatever “it” is) they will be more likely to be able to!

When it comes to defiant child behaviors it is often said that you should handle the problem behaviors right when they occur, however it is also important to tackle discipline calmly. If you start to find yourself dysregulated it is okay to step away and regulate yourself, and then step back into the situation on more even ground. When parents and caregivers take time to regulate in the moment it is great role modeling for your kids. It shows them that you are doing what you hope they will do too!

If your lacking confidence despite some of these ideas, it is also okay to “fake it till you make it” so to speak. Meaning even if you’re stressed and worried on the inside try to exude a calm air of confidence on the outside. Take some deep breaths and talk yourself through it and try to give off a calm, cool and collected vibe. If you do this, it’s important to make sure you have a time and a place to deal with those anxious feelings of your own outside of those moments. Rely on your support network, exercise or journal (or any other heathy outlets that work for you) to make sure you are taking care of your own emotions.

Remember to take it easy on yourself. Parenting is hard work under the best circumstances. When you are supporting kids with emotional or behavioral struggles it requires extra time and attention. Give yourself credit for all the hard work you do everyday to keep your kids, yourself and your family happy and healthy.

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Photos from Marco Verch (CC BY 2.0), verchmarco, wriggly_toes, verchmarco

Conflict Resolution Skills to Teach Your Children By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

A Good Start for Children: The Importance of Supporting Pregnant and Postpartum Mothers. By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

Mind Over Matter: Moving from Anxious to Confident Parenting By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

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