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Parenting Styles By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

9/8/2023

I will often have one parent come in and say their co-parent complains about their parenting style or vice versa. So, what is the “best” parenting style?

Let’s review the different styles to begin:

Authoritarian Parenting: Parents of this style tend to have a one-way mode of communication where the parent establishes the rules and the child must obey. There is little to no room for negotiation or explanation. Mistakes by the child lead to punishment. Children that grow up with authoritarian parents will usually be the most well-behaved because they are afraid of the consequences. This style may also result in children who have higher levels of aggression, shyness, social ineptitude and unable to make their own decisions. This style of parenting often leads to rebellion as the child grows older.

Authoritative Parenting: Parents of this style develop close, nurturing relationships with their children. They have established clear guidelines and explain their reasons for their choices. There is frequent and appropriate communication between the parent and child. This style tends to result in children who are confident, responsible and able to self-regulate. Since these parents encourage independence, these children learn that they are capable of accomplishing their goals leading to higher self-esteem, higher academic achievement and functioning independently.

(Tip for remembering which is which: Authoritarian parents “tear into you” and Authoritative parents are “tater tots” (crispy on the outside and soft on the inside).

Permissive Parenting: Permissive parents tend to be warm, nurturing and usually have minimal expectations. They impose very few rules. Communication is open and parents allow children to figure things out for themselves. Parents are more often “friends” than parents. The limited rules can result in unhealthy eating habits leading to increased risk of obesity and other health problems. Freedom for the child to choose bedtime and homework completion also comes with risks. Children of permissive parents usually have decent self-esteem and social skills but may be impulsive, demanding, selfish and lack self-regulation.

We know that Authoritative parenting often leads to the most mentally healthy children and parent-child relationships. Consistency and stability are also key to leading to the mental wellness of children.

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Developming EMOTIONAL REGULATION in Children By Jessica Custer, Mental Health Counseling Graduate Student Intern

7/8/2023

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The development of social and emotional regulation is an important part of overall healthy child development. Healthy self-regulation skills affect many areas of a child’s life including social, academic, and behavioral. This development is a process that takes place over time and learning self-regulation begins very early. There is a genetic or temperament component to how a child learns to self-regulate, and often infants who are difficult to soothe may have more trouble in this area. There is also an environmental element that affects the development of children’s emotional intelligence and parenting practices can be a crucial part of healthy self-regulation development. The child’s brain is wired to develop these skills through interaction with caregivers starting at a very early age. When infants interact with their attachment figures, who respond to the infant’s needs in a warm and soothing way, the infant’s brain is developing the ability and capacity to regulate emotions and develop the skills for self-regulation. It is through parental soothing and calming that the infant begins to learn how to regulate stressful emotions later in life. So, the ability to regulate emotions begins very early and continues throughout childhood. As children get older, parents who give in to tantrums, or are overly responsive in soothing, may inhibit the child’s ability to learn self-regulating skills of their own. There are many ways that parents and caregivers can support their child’s development of emotional and self-regulation.

Defining Self-Regulation
   Self-regulation or emotional regulation is the skill of managing emotions and behaviors in different situations. It includes self-calming in distressing situations, being flexible to adapt to changes and transitions, and frustration tolerance when situations are difficult. Children develop these skills gradually over time and learn to control their own behavior, even during difficult situations and emotions. When a child has difficulty self-regulating, they may have tantrums and behavioral outbursts that result in meltdown situations. They may have trouble transitioning from one activity to another, or with being told that they have to be done with an activity they are doing. This can be difficult for parents to know how to handle and can lead to difficulty with social interactions and in going to school. Kids need to learn to identify and understand their emotions and then find better, more effective ways to cope with them.

What Parents Can Do
   Parent modeling is the most important factor in teaching self-regulation skills to children. By staying calm when the child is emotional, rather than getting upset and angry, the child learns by observing the calm parent how to self-regulate. This is difficult to do, but learning how to keep yourself calm during the child’s difficult emotions will have a big payoff in them learning the skills themselves. Taking deep breaths, counting, or walking away to collect yourself before responding are all helpful ways to stay calm, but find what works best for you. How parents react to their child’s difficult emotions ultimately has a large impact on how they learn to manage their emotions.

   Parents can also view self-regulation as a skill that needs to be taught. When parents realize that children need to learn these skills and that parents are the key to teaching them, the focus is taken off the child’s “bad behavior” and placed on the skills that need to be learned for growth and development. Parents can start by naming the emotions that they and their children are having and talking openly about those emotions. When a child is having a tantrum is not a good teaching moment, but having a discussion when the child is calm will be a good time to talk about it. Often people don’t talk openly about feelings and emotions, and many people are uncomfortable with being so open about the subject, but if parents can push through their own discomfort and model healthy open discussion of emotions, that is a great first step to learning to regulate those emotions. Once the discussion about emotions is open, parents can coach their children on how to cope with those emotions appropriately. The scaffolding process is where a caregiver gives more support at the beginning of a new learning experience and then slowly removes the level of support given until the child can handle it without help. When parents see their child getting frustrated or upset, start by naming the emotion, and validating that it is a normal emotion to have, and then give options for the child to consider in how to cope. Role-playing situations that are difficult for the child can be helpful, but make sure to do this when the child is calm and happy, not in the middle of an emotional meltdown. If a school-aged child is getting frustrated with math homework, a parent may suggest using a timer and taking breaks every so often, or maybe that the child get a drink of water or a snack and then come back to the homework when feeling calmer. Giving positive feedback and praise for making positive choices and validating difficult emotions will go a long way in helping your child be able to grow and develop these important skills.

   Finally, managing your own expectations as a parent is often important. Perfection is never the goal. We will never be perfect parents and our children will never behave perfectly in every situation. The goal should be that your child views you as a safe and supportive person to talk to about difficult emotions. Emotional development is a process that spans throughout childhood. All children are unique and will develop skills at their own pace and ability level. Children under the age of 3 cannot be expected to exhibit high effortful control, and a child with ADHD will have more difficulty with emotional regulation due to deficits in the prefrontal cortex. It is important to be aware of your child’s ability level and set expectations that are realistic. Being mindful of your modeling and having open discussions about emotions will lead to a closer relationship with your child and healthy emotional development.

References

Li, P. (2016, December 27). Emotional Regulation in Children | A Complete Guide. Parenting For Brain. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/self-regulation-toddler-temper-tantrums/

Posner, M., & Rothbart, M. (2002). Developing Mechanisms of Self-Regulation (pp. 21–42). https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203449523-2

Rouse, M. (2023). How Can We Help Kids With Emotional Self-Regulation? ChildmindInstitute.Org. https://childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/

Weir, K. (2023). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. Https://Www.Apa.Org. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation

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Mindfulness in Kids By Izzy Devorkin, NCC, RMHCI

6/23/2023

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As human beings we are often encouraged to be mindful, but what does it really mean to be mindful? Mindfulness is a state of mind filled with calmness, gratitude and compassion. To be mindful is to be present in each and every moment, having an increased, gentle awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Mindfulness is often encouraged as a form of self care and a way to turn inward, something that is not only valuable for adults, but for children as well.

When we assist children with incorporating mindfulness into their lives, they are provided with tools to deal with tough situations, build self-esteem, and manage intense levels of emotions such as stress, anxiety, and disruptive behavior. According to the article Mindfulness for Kids, mindfulness can help shape three important skills for children, including paying attention and remembering information, shifting back and forth between tasks, and behaving appropriately with others (2023). Due to these increases in executive functioning skills, mindfulness may support improved academic performance as well. Mindfulness has positive impacts on emotion regulation, allowing a child to acknowledge their emotions without judgment, and have improved tools to accept and work through those emotions. Through improved emotion regulation, a child may have increased social regulation which contributes to more positive, meaningful relationships with others.

There are many ways to help your child incorporate mindfulness into their lives. These activities can be beneficial for any age, adults included! Taking just a few moments a day to focus on the present moment in an intentional way will lead to many positive changes.

Mindful Activities

Belly breathing
An important part of fully paying attention to the moment is paying attention to how you breathe. For a younger child, you can teach them to belly breathe by having them lay on their backs and place their favorite stuffed animal on their belly. Have your child take a deep breath in through their nose and watch the stuffed animal rise on their belly, and breathe out through their mouth and watch the stuffed animal lower back down. A child will successfully be engaged in belly breathing when the stuffed animal is steadily moving up and down. Cookie breathing is another way to make belly breathing more fun. Pretend you're breathing in the delicious smell of freshly baked cookies as the belly expands, and blow on the cookies to cool them down as the belly deflates. When first teaching this to your child, it’s fun to use real cookies!

For an older child, teach them to belly breathe by placing one hand on their heart and one hand on their belly. As they breathe in through their nose they should feel their belly expand, and as they breathe out they should feel their belly deflate. Encourage your child to count to four as they breathe in, count to four as they pause, count to four as they breathe out, and count to four before breathing in again. This is known as box-breathing and is helpful in calming the nervous system through regulating the body and reducing stress and anxiety.

Mindful Jar
As children begin to understand the importance of focusing on the present moment, it’s important they have visuals to understand how thoughts and emotions can feel chaotic, but eventually settle down. To create a mindful jar, get a clear jar such as a mason jar or empty plastic water bottle, and fill it almost to the top with water. Then add glitter glue or dry glitter to the jar. Make sure the lid is on tight and then shake it to make the glitter swirl around. When using the mindful jar, you can use the following script sourced from Karen Young (2017):

“Imagine that the glitter is like your thoughts when you’re stressed, mad or upset. See how they whirl around and make it really hard to see clearly? That’s why it’s so easy to make silly decisions when you’re upset – because you’re not thinking clearly. Don’t worry this is normal and it happens in all of us (yep, grownups too).

[Now put the jar down in front of them.]
Now watch what happens when you’re still for a couple of moments. Keep watching. See how the glitter starts to settle and the water clears? Your mind works the same way. When you’re calm for a little while, your thoughts start to settle and you start to see things much clearer. Deep breaths during this calming process can help us settle when we feel a lot of emotions” (Karen Young, 2017).

Using a script like this will help you feel more confident in your approach in explaining the mindful jar to your child. When looking at the jar, encourage your child to focus on one emotion and identify how that emotion feels in comparison to the swirling glitter versus the settling glitter. Looking at the mindful jar can be a helpful mindful reminder for adults too!

Yoga Poses
Intentionally taking the time to engage in yoga poses can be beneficial for children. To feel and understand the positive effects of yoga, a person doesn’t need to participate in a whole yoga class, just one or two mindful movements will ignite the same benefits. Practicing yoga poses can help your child feel strong, confident, and happy.

Tree pose is a fantastic yoga pose for children. Have your child balance one foot on the ground, while they place their other foot on the inside of either their ankle, knee, or thigh. Encourage your child to reach their arms up high like tree branches. This pose is not only fun, but a great way to challenge oneself through balance and focus. Another great yoga pose is forward fold. Have your child stand all the way up, and then fold their body in half, reaching for their toes. Not only is forward fold a great stretch, but it’s beneficial for calming the mind and reducing stress.

Mindful walking
Mindful walking is a great way to engage in mindfulness with your child. Before taking the walk, ask your child what they would expect to see and hear (birds chirping, trees blowing in the wind, etc). When on the walk, pause often and take a moment to encourage your child to listen to their surroundings. After a couple of minutes, ask your child what they hear and see. Engaging in the senses helps you and your child become more aware and focused on the present moment. After the walk, ask your child how it felt for them to walk with an intention of noticing their surroundings.

Mindful eating
One of the best ways to introduce mindfulness to a child is mindful eating. Have your child pick out a snack, and guide them through eating their snack, encouraging the use of all five senses. Have your child hold the snack and reflect on what it feels like and smells like. Have your child take a bite of the snack and encourage them to chew slowly while asking them what it tastes like and feels like. After chewing for about 20-30 seconds, have your child identify what the bite feels like moving from their mouth into their belly. This is a great, fun way for your child to practice noticing their senses.

Grounding exercises
The rainbow grounding exercise is extremely helpful in leading the mind back to the present moment. Have your child look around the room they are in and identify every color of the rainbow. Each color needs to be from a different object or item in the room. For example, the goal is not for your child to see a photo of a rainbow and use that photo to find all the colors. The goal is that your child is taking their time to identify their surroundings.

For an older child, the five senses exercise is another great way to lead the mind back to the present moment. Have your child identify five things they can see, four things they can touch, three things they can hear, two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste.

Three good things
Gratitude is an important part of mindfulness. This is a great activity to incorporate into your child’s bedtime routine. It’s extra meaningful to your child if you participate in this activity as well. The goal is simple, identifying three good things that happened throughout the day. The goal of this practice isn’t to dismiss any difficult parts of the day, but to increase identification of positive parts of the day, which can lead to increased happiness and feelings of purpose.

Incorporating just one mindful moment or activity into the day can lead to many positive changes. Your child is likely to feel more in tune with their emotions and reactions, and have increased confidence when facing obstacles or difficult moments. It’s important when integrating mindfulness into the day, that you do it during a time your child is regulated. A child first needs to feel confident in a skill through practice, before being able to implement it during a time of dysregulation.

Resources

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Parenting Doesn’t Stop Past Childhood, Part 1: Raising Teens By Krista Morgan, BS

6/12/2023

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When raising children, it’s natural to gradually step back in parenting as your kids grow to be more autonomous and assert their independence. While this is an important experience for children as they grow into teens and young adults, it is important to consider the ways in which they should continue to be parented with respect to developmental appropriateness and continuing to nurture the parent-child relationship dynamic. In doing so, children should grow to continue feeling both supported and trusted by their parents who are consistently close by to help when needed. If we treat our teens like adults by not offering our support, then we are encouraging them to lean into adult-like behaviors that are likely not appropriate for their age. Listed below are some ways you can continue to be a parent for your teens, who are no longer young children but not quite yet adults.

Provide opportunities for independent decision-making and activities.
It is not only important, but imperative that we allow kids to make decisions for themselves and potentially make mistakes– within reason! It is appropriate to avoid nagging your teen over whether or not they’ve adequately studied enough for a test but you may want to step in and encourage your teen not to miss the deadline for a college application. This will let your teen experience natural unwanted consequences for the choices they make, without endangering their futures or lives. You may also allow your teen to decide which extracurricular activities they do or do not want to participate in rather than enforcing a specific sport or instrument for them to play. By giving teens autonomy over how they spend their time outside of true obligations, like school, you are encouraging a natural investment in their interests and allowing them to explore new hobbies or activities you otherwise may not have considered exposing them to. This can also be an important aspect for self-identity formation!

Share explicit expectations for your teen.
With maturity and independence comes greater responsibility, and it’s reasonable as a parent to hold your teen to higher expectations as they take on more autonomy. It can be helpful to set aside time at the beginning of each school year or around your teens birthday to jointly create the expectations you have of them going into a fresh year– some examples may include curfew hours, allowed radius they can socially travel, what activities need clearance from a parent before committing to, part-time employment, and household chores for them to maintain. This shows how much you respect them as an individual by allowing them to have a say in what is expected of them as well as setting them up for success by outlining these expectations for them before any issues arise. Please note that if you share the parenting role with another adult that it is important for all parenting figures to be on the same page when enforcing expectations with a teen to avoid confusion and inconsistency.

Be open to conflict and offer support when problems arise.
One of the biggest reasons kids stray from their parents is fear of being misunderstood, judged, or shamed for their behaviors– this is even more prevalent in teens who are working overtime to additionally avoid these fears from peers and themselves! Conflict is more likely to happen as teens lean into themes they have control over, such as how they present themselves or what they engage in, that disagrees with how their parents envision them. These sudden changes can seem very abrupt to a parent and spark concern, when realistically it is developmentally appropriate for teens to act seemingly out of character as they try to understand who they are and how they want to exist in society. Furthermore, when teens make mistakes or are struggling it can be difficult to ask for help as they understand their newfound independence to allow no room for error. For example, if your teen is struggling with a social dilemma they may seek your advice or emotional support in processing the situation. Another situation may be a teen who is struggling with time management between different responsibilities, where you may offer to sit down with your teen and help organize a weekly schedule they can follow. It is important that parents continue to support their teen’s autonomy by remaining open to give advice and share strategies for success when asked. As humans we are all guilty of making mistakes or needing to ask for help, so if a teen seeks out support we want them to always feel the security of a parent offering a helping hand with the intention for them to learn from the experience and improve for the future.

Parenting Resources:
https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/teens
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/parenting/parenting-teenagers
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/teenage-parenting-books/
https://parentingteensandtweens.com/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6667174/

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OCD for Teachers By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

4/14/2023

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Balancing Screen Time for Children By Jessica Custer, BA

3/3/2023

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Raising children in today’s digital age requires parents to consider the risks and benefits that come with screen time for children in its many forms. Parents today have to contend with TV’s, smartphones, tablets, and computers when they consider how much time to allow their children to use screens. It can be overwhelming and hard to know what balance is appropriate when screens are now used regularly in the classroom, for homework, and as a leisure activity. As children get older and enter the teen years, parents must also consider personal smartphones and social media and include that as part of their considerations of healthy screen time balance. It is not realistic to do away with screens completely, but one important consideration is how screens affect the development of children and each different stage of growth. Different stages require different needs and parents’ understanding of what research tells us can help inform what limits to set and how to go about limit setting and seeking balance with their own children. Research shows that screen time has steadily increased in children since the 90’s but since the pandemic started in 2020, screen use for children jumped 52%.Pre-pandemic usage was reported at 2.7 hours, and usage increased to over 4 hours a day during the pandemic.The greatest increase was shown in children ages 12-18, most likely because they have their own devices and more personal freedom.Children’s engagement in physical activity during the pandemic decreased by 32% during the pandemic.Unhealthy increase in screen time during the pandemic now requires a new promotion of healthy habits, balancing screentime with physical activity, and person-to-person engagement.

Impact on child development

Most of the current research on the impact of screen time has been done on children over the age of 5. Very few studies have been conducted on toddler and preschool age children and this is an area that needs more focused research. The existing literature points to problems in cognitive development, social emotional regulation skills, behavioral problems, and language development delays. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends less than 1 hour a day of screen time for children between the ages of 2 and 5, and no screen time for babies and toddlers other than interactive face time with loved ones. Theories about why screens have such an impact on young children discuss the displacement of other important developmental tasks when using screens too much. Children at this stage need to have unstructured play time to foster creativity and social interaction skills. They also learn self regulation skills from their caregivers, but when they are given a screen as a coping tool for difficult emotions, they don’t learn to regulate their own emotions and this is an important skill that is developed at this stage of life. The development of language skills is also a large part of this stage and research shows a correlation with higher screen time and delayed language development. This is another skill that children learn best from their caregivers. Watching educational content can be helpful in developing language skills, and expanding vocabulary, but co-viewing with caregivers who can interact with them while watching greatly increases the benefits of the educational content. Excessive screen time for young children can also have a negative impact on their sleep, which is also really important for healthy development of the brain and body. When young children do not get adequate sleep, the effects are real and lasting, so this is not one to ignore. Excessive screen time for young children often leads to lower overall physical activity. Young children have a high developmental need to move their bodies. The current recommendations of the CDC for physical activity for young children under the age of 5 is to be physically active often throughout the day. Many sources advise at least 3 hours a day cumulative physical activity. When children are viewing screens too much, physical activity and outdoor play can be limited and result in health and well being consequences.

Children who are older than 5 have different developmental tasks and are impacted differently by screen time and use. Research points to an increase in behavioral disorders, depression, anxiety, ADHD, and obesity with excessive use of screens. Children and teens use screens in school for learning as well as with their own devices or smartphones. There is also a distinction between active screen time and passive screen time. More research is needed in this area, but current understanding points to less of an impact when actively using screens and devices for learning, rather than passively watching videos or shows. Content matters here as well. Children and teens are often exposed to inappropriate sexual or violent content and that is also linked with higher incidence of behavioral or mental disorders. Displacement of sleep and physical activity are a big issue at this developmental stage as well so the American Academy of Pediatrics does not have a specific screen time recommendation for this age, but instead recommends balancing screen time with adequate sleep, regular physical activity of at least an hour a day, and non screen time activities.

What can parents do?

Parents can be intentional about how they choose to interact with screens. Watching high-quality shows like Daniel tiger’s neighborhood, or Sesame Street and talking to kids about what they are learning can be a useful learning tool for literacy building and social-emotional regulation with children over the age of 2. For babies and toddlers under the age of 2, research has shown that there is really no benefit to screens for learning, so watching baby Einstein or other “educational videos” is not helpful, and in fact is harmful to their brain development. These young children cannot take in information from screens the same way that older children can, and kids ages 2-5 benefit most when they are interacting with their caregivers while watching. Children older than 5 will often be viewing screens on their own and will need parents who set limits, are aware of content that their children are viewing and establish family rules that are enforced like no screens at meal time, screen free zones in the home, and times of day where screens are not used. One helpful rule to have is no screens in the bedroom. This allows parents to monitor use better, and takes away the temptation for children to use screens at night when they should be sleeping. A great resource for parents is commonsensemedia.org. This website allows parents to check the appropriateness of content of movies, books and other media for their children. It gives a parental rating, a kid rating, and a breakdown of what areas of concern a media source may present. Another really important piece of advice is to not be afraid of boredom. Allowing unstructured time for kids develops their creativity and allows their brains to have the quiet thinking time they need. This is a time when they can learn distress tolerance and discover creative interests.

Families can also build in non screen activities as part of their lifestyle. Sports, music, and regular outdoor play, like trips to the park, increases engagement in other activities and contributes to overall health. As kids get older, parents need to teach children about online safety and privacy. Kids are exposed to so many different games and apps on the internet and they need to learn the dangers of sharing private information in the same way we teach our children to be mindful of strangers in public. Parents are the greatest role models for every area of life for their kids and this is no exception. Parents can teach healthy boundaries by having healthy boundaries in their own lives. Showing interest in other activities, exercising regularly, and not keeping the TV on all day model good limit setting. Finally, use screens to build connections with family and friends. These are amazing tools that increase our ability to stay connected to friends and family. Using phones to facetime with far away family, calling friends, or keeping in touch using technology can increase feelings of connection with others and this is a good thing. We can incorporate screens into a healthy lifestyle and access more tools than ever before for learning, fun and connection. Screens and technology are not going away, so the best thing we can do is to create a healthy, balanced life for our children that includes physical activity, adequate sleep, creative interests, academic growth, and strong family and friend connections.

References
AACAP. (2022). Screen Time and Children. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Watching-TV-054.aspx

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2021). Media and Children. https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/media-and-children/

Choe, D. E., Lawrence, A. C., & Cingel, D. P. (2022). The role of different screen media devices, child dysregulation, and parent screen media use in children’s self-regulation. Psychology of Popular Media. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000412

Guerrero, M. D., Barnes, J. D., Chaput, J.-P., & Tremblay, M. S. (2019). Screen time and problem behaviors in children: exploring the mediating role of sleep duration. International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 16(1), 105. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12966-019-0862-x

Kids’ Screen Time Rose 52% During the Pandemic, Study Says. (n.d.). Retrieved December 22, 2022, from https://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20221114/kids-screen-time-rose-sharply-during-pandemic-study-says

Kim, S., Favotto, L., Halladay, J., Wang, L., Boyle, M. H., & Georgiades, K. (2020). Differential associations between passive and active forms of screen time and adolescent mood and anxiety disorders. Social Psychiatry & Psychiatric Epidemiology, 55(11), 1469–1478. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-020-01833-9

Sukhpreet K Tamana, Victor Ezeugwu, Joyce Chikuma, Diana L Lefebvre, Meghan B Azad, Theo J Moraes, Padmaja Subbarao, Allan B Becker, Stuart E Turvey, Malcolm R Sears, Bruce D Dick, Valerie Carson, Carmen Rasmussen, CHILD study Investigators, Jacqueline Pei, & Piush J Mandhane. (2019). Screen-time is associated with inattention problems in preschoolers: Results from the CHILD birth cohort study. PLoS ONE, 14(4), e0213995–e0213995. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0213995

Xie, G., Deng, Q., Cao, J., & Chang, Q. (2020). Digital screen time and its effect on preschoolers’ behavior in China: results from a cross-sectional study. Italian Journal of Pediatrics, 46(1), 1–7. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13052-020-0776-x

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Teaching Self Love to Children through a Growth Mindset By Izzy Devorkin, NCC, RMHCI

2/24/2023

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For children, February often revolves around classroom Valentine’s Day parties, making Valentine cards for friends and family, and eating endless candy and chocolate hearts. It’s amazing to see children so excited to craft valentine cards and gifts for their loved ones, but how can we encourage them to show this same kindness and love to themselves?

The development of self love in a child has significant positive impacts. We often think that a child will inherently grow to love themselves, but it’s important to teach children about self-love just as we would teach them about anything else. Benefits to self love include increased strength and resilience, increased productivity, and decreased stress.

It’s important to note the difference between self love and self esteem. Self esteem is the confidence in abilities and seeing oneself as being “good” at something. A person may have high self esteem when it comes to academics, but low self esteem when it comes to sports. Self love is an overall acceptance, understanding and appreciation of oneself. The difference is necessary to note as a child may seem to have high self esteem, but may be unaware of the importance of self love or how to incorporate it into their acceptance of themselves.

One of the most important ways to encourage self love in a child is to help promote a growth mindset. The term growth mindset was developed by Stanford University Psychology Professor Carol Dweck. Carol Dweck stated, “If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning.”

It’s important to note that there are two main types of mindsets; a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. A growth mindset is the belief that through effort and practice, a person is able to change their abilities. People with a growth mindset are often inspired by other people’s successes, see challenges as opportunities to grow and learn, understand the process is more important than the outcome, and learn from feedback. People with a fixed mindset are often threatened by other people’s successes, believe intelligence cannot be changed, avoid challenges, and give up easily due to obstacles.

A growth mindset and self love go hand-in-hand. When a child has a growth mindset, they learn to accept mistakes and see themselves as being capable of trying new things and overcoming challenges. With a growth mindset, a child understands that their achievements came from hard work. So how can you help facilitate a growth mindset in your child?

Praise the process

It’s important to focus more on the process and effort that goes into something versus the outcome. It’s crucial to be genuine and specific with your praise. Instead of saying “good job!” it’s significantly more beneficial to say “good job trying to use another strategy to figure out that math problem.” Being specific lets your child know exactly what they did that you are praising, which is more likely to increase that behavior moving forward.

Talk about and accept mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow

Model talking about your own mistakes and how you used them as opportunities to learn and grow. Explain to your child that the brain is a muscle, and just like any other muscle in the body, exercise helps it grow! When your child overcomes challenges and continues to put in effort despite difficulties, they are exercising their brain and helping it grow.

Model resilience, self love and positive self talk

In addition to modeling the importance of accepting mistakes as opportunities to grow, it’s crucial to model resilience and positive self talk. You play a huge role in influencing your children’s mindset. It’s necessary to show your child that you are excited by challenges, see mistakes as learning opportunities, and understand the value of practice and overcoming difficulties. Using positive self talk will help you develop your own growth mindset as well!

Understand the role of emotions in learning

Express to your child that feeling frustrated is a natural part of overcoming challenges. It’s important that instead of giving up, a child has the tools to help themselves self regulate and handle the frustration without giving up on a challenge. Belly breathing is one of the most beneficial tools a person can use to help themselves feel regulated. This video does a fantastic job of explaining belly breathing to a child. Encourage your child to take a brain break and belly breathe when feeling frustrated.

This month, praise the effort and process when your child is working hard to make Valentine cards for their loved ones. Encourage your child to make a Valentine card for themselves with a little self love letter. This activity will help your child engage in positive self-talk, and reflect on all the things they truly love about themselves. It’s the perfect way to practice having a growth mindset!

Resources:
https://www.thesocialemotionalteacher.com/self-love-for-kids/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201211/3-powerful-science-based-benefits-little-self-love

https://extension.unl.edu/statewide/knox/growth-mindset-in-early-learners/

https://www.mindsetworks.com/parents/growth-mindset-parenting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiMb2Bw4Ae8

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Play Therapy By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

2/5/2023

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Ever wonder what play therapy is or why kids need it? Click the link to watch the video “Introducing Andrew” before reading more!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=reJpo-GaopM&t=1s

This lovely video is so accurate when we think about the difference between talk therapy for adults and play therapy for children. Children do not have the language or maturity to express themselves fully with words. (Actually, many adults do not yet either.) Therefore, toys are a child’s words and play is their language. Play therapy is an effective, creative approach that meets the child where he or she is, and utilizes their language, play!

When placed in the right therapeutic environment, with a good therapeutic relationship, a child will gravitate towards acting and working out tough problems that cannot be verbally expressed. Therapeutic play is very different from regular play. A trained play therapist recognizes themes in play, promotes emotion regulation, self-control and confidence. A trained play therapist also will use evidence-based interventions shown to be effective for treating the presenting issue.

You can read more about play therapy and search for a Registered Play Therapist in your area at www.A4PT.org.

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Teen Anxiety in a Post-Covid World by Jessica Custer, BA

1/28/2023

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Anxiety is one of the most common mental disorders among teenagers. Before the pandemic, the rates of anxiety and depression among teens were on the rise, but recent CDC data suggests that mental health for teenagers has been heavily impacted by the Covid-19 pandemic. Increased pressure to succeed in school, living in the age of social media, and living in a society plagued with mass shootings and war coverage on the media are all factors that affect how teens cope with symptoms of anxiety. We can now add covid related stressors like social isolation, missed milestones, increases in family stress, and online school pressures to the list of factors that influence teens today. Teens are especially vulnerable to feeling the effects of these outside stresses because they are in a unique stage of life that is already filled with uncertainty and doubt within themselves. Being aware of what teens worry about, how to best support them, as well as what symptoms to look for that may signal the need for help are all important areas for parents and teachers to be aware of to lower teen risk factors for anxiety disorders.

What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a broad description of multiple different mental disorders. Some of the more common anxiety disorders are specific phobias, panic disorder, separation anxiety, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, selective mutism, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Anxiety can look different in different people, but it is generally an overreaction of the sympathetic nervous system, or fight, flight, or freeze response, so something that is perceived as a threat when it is not. Teens today worry about school performance, college admission and scholarships, others’ perceptions of them, and their changing bodies. Some amount of anxiety is normal and healthy, it motivates us to achieve and excel, but often the symptoms of anxiety can become overwhelming and lead to unhealthy effects on the brain and body. There are many outward symptoms of anxiety to look for in teens and different teens may have different combinations of symptoms. Some symptoms include:

Recurring worries about many things, frequent need for reassurance
Irritability or anger
Perfectionism
Body dissatisfaction
Inability to focus
Extreme self-consciousness and sensitivity to criticism
Withdrawal from friends or activities
Avoidance of stressful or new situations
Frequent physical complaints
Substance use

How Can I Help My Teen?
Anxiety disorders may be on the rise, but the good news is that there is hope and help for teens who may be feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed by anxious thoughts and worries. Some good preventative measures can be helpful to incorporate into a healthy lifestyle that can lower a teen’s risk for developing an anxiety disorder but be aware that sometimes genetics play a larger role. Risk factors include genetic predisposition, social isolation, parental overprotection or parental indifference, a temperament prone to behavioral inhibition (fear-based temperament from childhood), high screen time, low physical activity, poor nutrition, and poor sleeping habits. Research suggests that teens with less than 2 hours of screen time have a significantly lower risk for anxiety and this is noteworthy. It may be due to the sleeplessness teens experience when they stay up too late watching videos or movies, or the lack of physical activity that occurs when teens spend too much time on screens, but it is something to pay attention to in lowering the risk of anxiety disorders. It is also important that teens are getting enough sleep, well-rounded nutrition, and regular physical activity to combat the effects of too much stress on their bodies. The best strategy for parenting teens who worry a lot is to acknowledge and empathize with the teens’ feelings while also not giving too much credit to the worry or fear. Showing your support for hard emotions is important but giving too much attention to worry can make it grow.

Even when all the preventative measures are taken, some teens have a predisposition to anxiety disorders and may need extra help to learn to manage and overcome the symptoms. Seeing a counselor who can help them learn to combat those anxious thoughts, and tolerate the discomfort through exposure, mindfulness, and coping skills will lead to a healthier and happier life. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combined with mindfulness strategies has been shown to have great success in combatting anxiety. Medication may be needed by some as well to receive the full benefits of therapy. It is important not to ignore your teen’s overwhelming anxiety symptoms because untreated anxiety can lead to substance abuse, depression, and even suicidality. Children who are exhibiting behavioral inhibition, fear of strangers, or new activities, have a much higher risk of developing an anxiety disorder as a teen and young adult and would benefit from earlier treatment as a preventative measure. Anxiety is a normal part of life for everyone, and a certain amount can be beneficial, but when teens get overwhelmed and do not have the skills to cope or manage their symptoms, the problem can grow and become unmanageable. Offering support, modeling healthy habits, and encouragement of healthy lifestyle choices can make a big difference in preventing your teen from developing an anxiety disorder.

References

Anxiety among kids is on the rise. Wider access to CBT may provide needed solutions. (n.d.). Https://Www.Apa.Org. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/10/child-anxiety-treatment

Better ways to combat anxiety in youth. (n.d.). Https://Www.Apa.Org. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/12/combat-anxiety

Kim, S., Favotto, L., Halladay, J., Wang, L., Boyle, M. H., & Georgiades, K. (2020).

Differential associations between passive and active forms of screen time and adolescent mood and anxiety disorders. Social Psychiatry & Psychiatric
Epidemiology, 55(11), 1469–1478. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-020-01833-9

Miller, C. (2022). How Anxiety Affects Teenagers. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/signs-of-anxiety-in-teenagers

The Crisis of Youth Mental Health | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. (n.d.). Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/From-the-CEO/April-2022/The-Crisis-of-Youth-Mental-Health

General, O. of the S. (2021, December 7). U.S. Surgeon General Issues Advisory on Youth Mental Health Crisis Further Exposed by COVID-19 Pandemic [Text]. HHS.Gov. https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2021/12/07/us-surgeon-general-issues-advisory-on-youth-mental-health-crisis-further-exposed-by-covid-19-pandemic.html

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Dr. Bruce Perry’s Regulate, Relate, Reason Framework By Izzy Devorkin, RMHCI, NCC

1/20/2023

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Do you think your child could win an award for having the world's longest tantrums? It may sometimes feel this way. Many times, your child’s tantrums cause extreme frustration for both you and your child. As a parent, there are certain tools that can be used in conjunction with your child’s tantrums to help them learn, think, and reflect. This framework will also help strengthen your relationship with your child.

Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned neuroscientist in the field of children's mental health and trauma, created a simple sequence that will help you as a parent feel more prepared for a tantrum, and your child feel more supported. This sequence is known as The Three R’s.

It’s helpful to learn this framework through an example. Let’s use a classic one - your child is having a tantrum because you won’t let them have a second piece of cake at a birthday party. Your child’s tantrum may feel embarrassing especially when you’re surrounded by others, so what can you do? First, try your best to ignore the reactions of people around you, and focus on what you can do in the moment rather than what other people are thinking about you and your child.

The Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, Reason

Regulate

This is where we start. The moment your child starts having a tantrum it’s important to take action to help them regulate, and make sure you’re regulated yourself. It may be helpful to ask your child during a time when they are relaxed, what helps them calm down. Some kids like to have space, some like having their back rubbed or having some water and a snack, it really depends on what helps your child feel best. It’s also important that you as a parent are aware of what helps calm you down so you feel like you can handle the situation. Whether that’s taking some deep breaths or having a glass of water, find what it is that helps you feel regulated.

It may be hard to understand that sometimes your child needs space, and you may be tempted to show affection because that’s what will make you feel better, but it’s crucial to do what feels right for them. In the example of wanting a second piece of cake, maybe your child needs physical touch to regulate, so you spend a few minutes or however long it takes rubbing their back until they start to show signs of calming down. It’s important to limit language in this step, and really use it as a time to let your child process their emotions.

Relate

This is where connection comes in. Once you and your child have both calmed down, this is where a calm and soothing dialogue can be introduced through saying compassionate and empathetic things like “I sometimes want two pieces of cake too” or “it can be really frustrating when we can’t have what we want.” This is a really important moment to build those connections with your child and relate to them. If your child doesn’t seem ready to accept dialogue, you can also let them know that you are there when they are ready.

Reason

This is the last step of the sequence, and it’s crucial to not jump to reasoning until you have gone through the other R’s. Many times, it’s a natural response to want to reason with your child right away and say things like “if you have another piece of cake your tummy will hurt and you will feel sick.” Trying to reason first will not work as it takes a higher level of thinking, and when a child is completely dysregulated and having big emotions, their thinking brain is not turned on, and your dialogue may cause even more frustration for the child.

After you and your child are regulated, and you have related with your child, then the reasoning can come into play. This is when you can say things like “I don’t want your tummy to hurt and having a lot of cake can make you feel sick.” This is a great time to name the child’s emotions and use this as an opportunity to help your child learn more about their big feelings.

If this sequence was skipped and you just took your child home from the birthday party without utilizing this sequence, the tantrum may have been prolonged and you have missed an opportunity to connect with your child and help them learn and reflect.

The Three R’s can be used any time a child is having a meltdown. To help you remember Three R’s, it may be beneficial to have post-it notes throughout your home that say ‘RRR’ to help jog your memory in times of dysregulation. Having this simple reminder will allow you to feel in control of your emotions, and increase your confidence in your ability to approach the situation at hand. It will take practice to feel prepared in utilizing this approach, but the more you practice implementing it, the more natural and effective it will become.

Resources:

Visual

https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/The-Three-Rs.pdf

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