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Supporting Your Teen Through The College Application Process By Izzy Devorkin, NCC, RMHCI

11/28/2022

2 Comments

 
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November is College Application Month, an exciting and highly stressful time. The college application process can be a chaotic time for the entire family, and there are many ways to support your teen during this time. It’s important to know what steps can be taken to help make this a positive and productive experience for your child. 

Educate yourself
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As your teen begins the college application process, it’s important that you have an understanding of how the process works. It may feel automatic to compare your child’s college process with your own, but it’s important to remember that the process is constantly changing and evolving, and each individual has their own unique experience. It’s a stressful time not only for your teen, but for you as well. Having a good sense of the process and how you can best support your teen is a key ingredient in relieving that stress.

Taking the time to do your own research is a great way to develop a solid understanding of the process and what to expect. Increasing your knowledge on what your teen is going through allows you to be more actively involved in the process. This article gives a straightforward breakdown of the application process.

Be involved 

Involvement is crucial for helping your teen succeed with the college application process. Senior year of high school is a busy time, and having extra support can help decrease feelings of overwhelm. It may be tempting to do things for your teen, such as filling out parts of their applications, but it’s important that you serve as a guide along the way, offering assistance as needed. It may be helpful to have designated set times throughout the week where you and your teen work on all things college together. You want to offer the right amount of support without being overbearing. 

Help create a pros and cons list

One of the hardest parts of the college application process is deciding which colleges to apply to. Helping your teen figure out what they want in a college and creating a pros and cons list may be a helpful visual in the decision making process. Categories may include size, location, and price. This also gives you as the parent an opportunity to be transparent on how much financial help, if any, you are able to provide. When deciding what colleges to apply to, it’s helpful to have your teen make a list of ‘safety schools’ that they know they will likely be accepted into, ‘target schools’ that your child fits the criteria for, but may be a bit more challenging to get into, and ‘reach schools’ which have high expectations and low acceptance rate (Gordon, 2021).

Offer to read/edit your teen’s college essay

Writing a college essay is daunting for many teens. It’s an opportunity to talk about themselves and their accomplishments which may be difficult for some students. Assisting your teen in what to include in their essay may be extremely beneficial. If your teen has already started their essay, offering to read it or help make necessary edits can be helpful. 

Assist with creating a timeline for deadlines

Deadlines are important to follow when it comes to the college application process. To make sure things are getting done in a timely manner, and to lower household stress, working with your teen to make a timeline with deadlines is a necessary step for productivity. Putting the timeline where both you and your teen can see it will be a helpful daily reminder of what should be prioritized. Hanging the timeline on the fridge is a great visual and will decrease the temptation to constantly give reminders. It may be necessary to have a timeline for each college your child is applying to. Important deadlines may include college essays, letters of recommendation, due date of the college application, financial aid due dates, and scholarship due dates. Timelines can be personalized to the individual student and can be easily created using Excel. 

Offer support with financial forms and scholarship resources

Financials are one of the most stressful parts of the college application process. Expenses tend to add up fast between college visits and college application fees. Transparency regarding financials is crucial, and it’s encouraged to have this discussion sooner rather than later. Be transparent with your child on how much financial help, if any, you are able to provide. Offer assistance in filling out financial aid forms and searching for scholarship opportunities. It’s important to create realistic financial expectations so everyone is on the same page and there are no last-minute surprises.

Have confidence in your teen

It's easy to forget how capable a teen is when stress levels are high for everyone in the family. As a parent, you want to see your child succeed. You may feel the need to give constant reminders and want to do things for your child, but it’s important to remember that your teen is capable and the college application process is a great opportunity for them to practice independence. As a parent, you won’t be with them at college making sure they attend every class and complete every assignment, so this is a perfect opportunity to practice having patience and confidence in your child. There are many aspects of the college application process where you can offer valuable help, but things such as requesting transcripts and asking for letters of recommendation will need to be done on their own. This is also why having a timeline as mentioned above is beneficial, your teen is still able to complete things independently, but you can assist them with a visual reminder.

Validate your teen’s feelings 

In addition to stress, your teen is likely experiencing a whirlwind of emotions relating to the college application process. This is a great opportunity for you to engage in active listening. Active listening requires paying attention to what is being said, using eye contact and appropriate body language, and truly focusing on what the other person is saying rather than how you plan to respond. Many times your teen may just want you to listen and be present, and offer advice only when sought out. It’s important to validate the feelings of your child and help them understand that it’s typical to feel a roller coaster of emotions during the college application process, and you are here as a support. 

It’s important to communicate with your child that it’s okay for them to not be accepted into every college they apply to. Teens already put enough pressure on themselves, the last thing they want is to feel like they disappointed their parents. Just as you would celebrate their acceptances with them, validate their disappointed feelings if they don’t get into a school they applied to. 

Check-in yourself

It’s important to recognize that your teen is not the only one going through a large change. As a parent, you are also experiencing a lot of emotions relating to your child beginning the college application process. Although it’s an exciting and important time in your teen’s life, It’s okay to feel all the different emotions that arise. It’s crucial to check-in with yourself and your emotions and do what is necessary to take care of yourself. Find what helps you stay regulated and relaxed, whether it be taking a walk, stretching, deep breathing, or having alone time, it’s important to know what steps to take to keep you feeling your best. 

Celebrate

Remember to celebrate your teen’s accomplishments! Whether it’s celebrating the smaller victories along the way, or having a celebration when your child receives acceptance letters, it’s important to recognize their hard work and all the effort that was put in along the way. Remember to pat yourself on the back too, helping a teen through the college application process is no easy task! 


Resources:
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-support-your-teen-through-the-college-application-process-4801641

https://grownandflown.com/50-ways-parents-help-teen-with-college-admissions/
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https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/college-application-process



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Uncertainty by Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

11/11/2022

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Uncertainty is unavoidable in daily life. Not being able to tolerate uncertainty is a sure path to increased worry and anxiety. Learning how to better accept and cope with uncertainty is possible with practice. Strategies that can help are outlined below.

What is Intolerance of Uncertainty?
“Uncertainty” has been a frequently used and much felt word the past few years. Parents, children, and teens had to manage many unknowns and often experienced a loss of control related to plans for school, work, health, and safety. Having to tolerate or accept what might happen in the future reached a new meaning for many people. 

The concept of Intolerance of Uncertainty or “IU” is receiving more attention as it relates to anxiety. In fact, research has found a strong connection between IU and both anxiety and worry in children and adolescents https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2017.07.035). 

Anxiety Canada’s handout How to Tolerate Uncertainty outlines behaviors people do when they have difficulty with uncertainty :
  • Seeking excessive reassurance from others 
  • List-making
  • Double checking 
  • Refusing to delegate tasks to others 
  • Procrastination/avoidance 
  • Distraction

How to be more comfortable with “not knowing” 

The unknown can be desirable for immediate events like the end to a good book or exciting movie. It can also cause considerable worry and stress when an anticipated outcome could be negative. This can be true for situations we think we have control over and those where we feel that we have absolutely no control. When the possibility of the (highly unlikely) outcome is terrible, it is sometimes difficult to focus on the 99% probability. (This is particularly true if you have experienced a negative life event that is rare). However, because we can very rarely be 100% certain about future events, it is helpful to learn to be okay with some uncertainty, even when a potential outcome would be difficult.

Increasing your ability to tolerate uncertainty can occur the following two ways: 

Changing how you think 
Changing what you do 

Change how you think: Changing how you think about unknown/future possible events is important when thoughts are unhelpful, excessively negative, and unlikely. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an approach that helps people understand the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Change or modify one to change another. Think different to feel different. Act different to think about yourself or a situation differently. 

Catastrophizing is a common “thinking error” or thinking pattern associated with anxiety. This is thinking about or imagining the “worst case scenario” or highly unlikely negative outcome.  
One good check is to ask yourself: Do I predict bad things when I’m uncertain? 
Try asking and answering these questions to challenge persistent worry:

  • Anxiety increases when thoughts turn and get stuck on what if? For every What if? come up with three alternative “What else might happen”? reasonable responses.
 
  • Is this worry realistic? What is the probability of what I predict happening? Is this feared outcome likely? If so, can I handle it? 
 
  • Imagine and identify What is the Best, Worst and Most Likely outcome?
Could good things be just as likely to happen as the anticipated bad? 

  • What is in my control?

Worry can be helpful when it prompts us to think about and plan. It can provide motivation to take action to try to make sure behaviors are safe or outcomes we want are more likely to happen (studying for a test we want to pass). “By worrying, we are trying to figure out all the possible ways things could go wrong so we can be more certain of the outcome.” https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/tool-4-make-uncertainty-your-friend/

Worry can be an effort to try to reduce feeling of uncertainty and make things more predictable. 
It is a problem attention to a possible future event or outcome that affects your ability to be present, enjoy or participate in life activities and when there is little control. Identify what you can control and what is outside of your control. If something is in your control, make a plan, and then act on it. When it is not, practice coaching yourself with helpful statement to let go of the worry. 

Change what you do. If you change your behaviors around uncertainty this will help change your feelings and thoughts about it.

Act as if you can tolerate uncertainty. See https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/building-your-tolerance-for-uncertainty-act-as-if/ for an example of ranking by difficulty behaviors that help manage uncertainty and coming up with a progressively more difficult list of activities that require uncertainty to do. This practice or gradually facing uncertainty without the managing behaviors can increases confidence. Think about the outcome, how you felt, what you did to cope if the outcome was not positive. 
Ask yourself the following questions: Did things turn out ok even though I was not 100% certain? If things did not turn out ok, what happened? What did I do to cope with the negative outcome? What does this tell me about my ability to cope with negative outcomes in the future? 

Practice mindfulness: Focus on what is happening right now. Not avoiding, but intentionally being aware of the present moment, without judgment. This will increase your ability to handle discomfort of unknown and uncertainty. See also How mindfulness can help: https://childmind.org/article/how-mindfulness-can-help-during-covid-19/childmind.org/article/how-mindfulness-can-help-during-covid-19/ 

As hard as it is, learning to be able to accept some uncertainty in life is important for reducing excessive worry and managing anxiety. It starts with acknowledging this tendency and increasing awareness of what is happening to be able to use the strategies outlined above. If worry or anxiety has become overwhelming and is negatively interfering with your daily life, please reach out to a physician or therapist to find support. 

Additional Articles: Returning to a new normal 12 tips for handing uncertainty: https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/returning-to-a-new-normal-12-tips-for-handling-uncertainty/
How Uncertainty Fuels Anxiety https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/how-uncertainty-fuels-anxiety/388066/
Coping tips for Uncertain Times: https://health.choc.org/6-coping-tips-for-uncertain-times/

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    Parent and Child Psychological Services is a private practice serving children and families in the Sarasota, Florida area. The practice is owned and operated by Dr. Gibson, a Licensed Psychologist who is Board Certified in Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. ​

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