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Growing Gratitude By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

11/26/2021

One of the simplest ways to improve mood, reduce anxiety and improve your overall well being is to engage in gratitude practice.

As humans, we are programmed to think negatively. Negative is our “autopilot” mode. This causes us to have very strong ‘negativity muscles’ in our brains. As we make this muscle stronger, it will get used more, simply by default. If we want to ever default to a positivity muscle (which would feel WAY better), we need to intentionally exercise that positivity muscle.

The benefits of building that positivity muscle include improved relationships and self-esteem, improved decision making, strengthened immune system, improved sleep patterns and finding more joy and pleasure in everyday activities.

How can you practice gratitude?

Everyday, say three things you are grateful for. You can do this when you wake up in the morning, before you fall asleep at night, or just in moments of stress or anxiety.

Keep a gratitude journal. Writing in it even for 5 minutes a day can be beneficial.

Try a guided gratitude meditation.

Share your gratitude with others. Instead of simply saying, “thank you” when someone helps you, be specific and tell them exactly what you are thankful for and why. You both will benefit!

Use the 3:1 ratio. For every one negative thought you have (about yourself, others or life in general), stop and intentionally think of three positive things. This will help redirect your thought patterns and do wonders for that positivity muscle!

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How to Recognize and Answer Bids for Connectionfrom our PartnerBy Rachel Funnell, LMFT

11/13/2021

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Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship researcher and has been studying people and couples for the last 40 years. In his research he’s found that “turning towards” bids is very important for a lasting relationship. Bids for connection, according to Dr. John Gottman, “is an attempt to get attention, affections, or acceptance” from others. The bid is for emotional connection with someone that you love and care about. Through his research, he found that couples that turn towards each other during these bids for connection, have a greater chance of staying together.

So what does a bid look like? Some bids are easy to recognize and others are harder to see. Below are a few common bid themes.

Pay attention to what I say
- “How do I look?”, “Did you see that dog over there?”
Respond to simple requests
- “Could you take the dog for a walk?”, “Could you get me some water?”
Help or work with me
- “Let's clean up the house.”
Show interest or active excitement in my accomplishments
- “Do you like the meal?”, “I got a promotion at work.”
Answer my questions or requests for information
- “John is on the way, can you give him our address?”
Chat with me
- “Let me tell you about my day at work.”
Share the events of our day with me
- “What have you been up to today?”
Respond to my joke
- “Did you hear the one about…?”
Help me de-stress
- “I’ve been working all day, I’m really tired.”
Help me problem solve
- “Molly wants to go for a walk, but my foot hurts.”
Be affectionate
- “Come cuddle with me.”
Play with me
- “Let’s play scrabble.”
Join me in an adventure
- “Do you want to go for a drive tomorrow?”
Join me in learning something
- “Let’s go take a cooking class.”

As you start to apply these bids for connection, it’s okay to communicate that with your partner by saying “I’m making a bid for connection”. When your partner makes a bid, make sure you turn towards them. Turning towards your partner when they make a bid is simply that. You turn towards them and acknowledge what they are saying or doing. Turning away from your partner is when you ignore their requests, minimize it or flat out reject it. Through Dr. John Gottman’s research, he found that couples that have a happy relationship turn towards each other 86% of the time. And those that have an unhappy relationship, turn towards each other only 33% of the time.

It’s very important that you make the commitment to recognize and turn towards your partner’s bids. It’s also important to make bids yourself. By being mindful of these bids, you’ll start to see and experience a stronger relationship with your partner. This in turn will result in a happier and lasting relationship.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

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Social Anxiety Disorder in Teens: The Basics By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

11/7/2021

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While anxiety in social situations is a common experience as a teenager, sometimes anxiety and fear of embarrassment becomes so intense that it negatively affects participation in school and life. When social anxiety becomes frequent (lasting more than 6 months) and significantly interferes with the ability to make friends, engage in extracurricular activities, or school performance it might be Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

What is SAD?

Anxiety is usually related to fear of being criticized, embarrassed, or being judged by others. Diagnostic criteria include the following: persistent and intense fear about specific social situations, avoiding these situations, excessive anxiety that interferes with daily living and is out of proportion to the social situation, not explained by medical condition/medication/substance. ( See https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/social-anxiety-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353567)

How to Recognize SAD

The following potential symptoms of a SAD are outlined by the National Social Anxiety Center (https://nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/2018/06/18/guidance-parents-teenagers-shy-teen-social-anxiety-disorder/)

Possible Behavioral and Emotional Symptoms

Intense fear of situations where the teen may be judged by others
Feeling overwhelming anxiety when around unfamiliar people
Excessive fear of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions
Fear and avoidance of social situations
Extreme fear of being thought foolish by others, even with an understanding that the fear is unreasonable
Dread of social events that begins days or weeks in advance
Severe test anxiety
Irritability or anger before a social event
Hyper-sensitivity to criticism
Poor school performance

Possible Physical Symptoms

Trembling or shaking when around others
Blushing, flushed skin
Difficulty speaking, shaky voice
Rapid heart beat
Sweating
Nausea / stomachache
Feeling dizzy or faint
Muscle tension

“Children and teens with social anxiety disorder have an excessive and persistent fear of social and/or performance situations such as school, parties, athletic activities, and more.” (https://www.anxietycanada.com/disorders/social-anxiety/)

Social anxiety disorder often begins in early adolescence, but it can occur in children. A stressful or particularly embarrassing situation might be the start. The percentage of teens is about 7% (equal for males and females). Problems might include low confidence socially, poor academic achievement, trouble making and maintaining friends, depression or substance use.

Anxiety Canada website (https://www.anxietycanada.com) lists examples of thoughts (e.g., “they won’t like me”) emotions (e.g., anxiety, shame, sadness) and behaviors (e.g., school refusal, not talking in class, mumbling or poor eye contact). Teens might have particularly negative and critical thoughts about themselves and inaccurate or more extreme negative interpretation of other people’s actions. Misreading other people might also contribute to more intense SAD.

Treatment

The aim of treatment of SAD is to reduce anxiety and improve daily functioning, allowing children to better cope with school and social situations. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is effective in treating a social anxiety disorder. CBT teaches how to recognize thoughts, emotions, and reasons for behaviors. It helps teens learn how thinking, feeling, behaving, and reacting to situations is connected and focuses on helping teens learn strategies that can help reduce and better manage anxiety and build social skills. If you notice several of the behaviors listed above and think that social anxiety has reached a level that is significantly interfering with your child or teens functioning please reach out to your pediatrician or a qualified therapist. Additional websites with resources for parents are listed below.

References and Resources:

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder
https://childmind.org/article/what-is-social-anxiety/
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness/index.shtml
https://www.anxietycanada.com/disorders/social-anxiety/

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Photos used under Creative Commons from verchmarco, wriggly_toes, verchmarco

Growing Gratitude By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

How to Recognize and Answer Bids for Connectionfrom our PartnerBy Rachel Funnell, LMFT

Social Anxiety Disorder in Teens: The Basics By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

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