Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship researcher and has been studying people and couples for the last 40 years. In his research he’s found that “turning towards” bids is very important for a lasting relationship. Bids for connection, according to Dr. John Gottman, “is an attempt to get attention, affections, or acceptance” from others. The bid is for emotional connection with someone that you love and care about. Through his research, he found that couples that turn towards each other during these bids for connection, have a greater chance of staying together.
So what does a bid look like? Some bids are easy to recognize and others are harder to see. Below are a few common bid themes.
As you start to apply these bids for connection, it’s okay to communicate that with your partner by saying “I’m making a bid for connection”. When your partner makes a bid, make sure you turn towards them. Turning towards your partner when they make a bid is simply that. You turn towards them and acknowledge what they are saying or doing. Turning away from your partner is when you ignore their requests, minimize it or flat out reject it. Through Dr. John Gottman’s research, he found that couples that have a happy relationship turn towards each other 86% of the time. And those that have an unhappy relationship, turn towards each other only 33% of the time.
It’s very important that you make the commitment to recognize and turn towards your partner’s bids. It’s also important to make bids yourself. By being mindful of these bids, you’ll start to see and experience a stronger relationship with your partner. This in turn will result in a happier and lasting relationship.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
So what does a bid look like? Some bids are easy to recognize and others are harder to see. Below are a few common bid themes.
- Pay attention to what I say
- “How do I look?”, “Did you see that dog over there?”
- Respond to simple requests
- “Could you take the dog for a walk?”, “Could you get me some water?”
- Help or work with me
- “Let's clean up the house.”
- Show interest or active excitement in my accomplishments
- “Do you like the meal?”, “I got a promotion at work.”
- Answer my questions or requests for information
- “John is on the way, can you give him our address?”
- Chat with me
- “Let me tell you about my day at work.”
- Share the events of our day with me
- “What have you been up to today?”
- Respond to my joke
- “Did you hear the one about…?”
- Help me de-stress
- “I’ve been working all day, I’m really tired.”
- Help me problem solve
- “Molly wants to go for a walk, but my foot hurts.”
- Be affectionate
- “Come cuddle with me.”
- Play with me
- “Let’s play scrabble.”
- Join me in an adventure
- “Do you want to go for a drive tomorrow?”
- Join me in learning something
- “Let’s go take a cooking class.”
As you start to apply these bids for connection, it’s okay to communicate that with your partner by saying “I’m making a bid for connection”. When your partner makes a bid, make sure you turn towards them. Turning towards your partner when they make a bid is simply that. You turn towards them and acknowledge what they are saying or doing. Turning away from your partner is when you ignore their requests, minimize it or flat out reject it. Through Dr. John Gottman’s research, he found that couples that have a happy relationship turn towards each other 86% of the time. And those that have an unhappy relationship, turn towards each other only 33% of the time.
It’s very important that you make the commitment to recognize and turn towards your partner’s bids. It’s also important to make bids yourself. By being mindful of these bids, you’ll start to see and experience a stronger relationship with your partner. This in turn will result in a happier and lasting relationship.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
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