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New Year's Resolution Success! By Tara Motzenbecker. MS, NCSP

12/31/2020

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Have you ever set a New Year’s Resolution and failed at it? If the answer is “yes”, then let’s examine where the problem lies.  First, ask yourself what the true motivation for the resolution is. Oftentimes, we set goals because we think it is what we “should” do. As any client of mine knows, “should” is a key word for falling into a thinking trap.  And thinking traps are designed to make us feel like…..something that rhymes with ‘trap’…...Dig yourself out of that trap by asking yourself what truly motivates you, from within yourself and only yourself.   Then, ask yourself if the goal is realistic.  Is it realistic to expect yourself to go from a sedentary lifestyle to working out for an hour at 5 AM every day?  Probably not, so what is realistic?  It’s okay to set a goal of waking up twice a week to workout early for a few weeks and then increase it if successful.  

Once you come up with intrinsically motivated goals and have decided what is realistic to expect from yourself, write it down.  Write your whole plan including the short-term and the long-term aspects.  Writing it out actually allows it to imprint on a different part of your brain. Write check-ins in the plan as well.  It is important to periodically reassess---is this still realistic? Is this still what I truly want?

Anticipate setbacks and new opportunities.  Using “if/then” thinking encourages creativity and problem solving. “If I cannot wake up early enough to exercise before work, then I will work out before bed”. Plan B and C and D are evidence of your flexibility, not your failure. 
​

If you find yourself thinking negatively about your progress, talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.  You would not say to a friend, “geesh yeah you really are a lazy bum for not working out everyday”. Instead, to a friend, you would say, “yeah it’s really hard getting up that early. It’s so amazing that you’re working towards that and even trying it!”. (Hmm...talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend is, in fact, a great idea for a resolution….)

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Prepping for the Holidays and Winter Break in 2020 By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

12/17/2020

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This year has brought many unexpected challenges, changes, and new responsibilities. Parents have taken on a variety of new roles while juggling many more things from home than they are accustom to. With all the stresses and changes with school for some being in person, then not, then in person again, or with managing everything from home, the holidays may feel particularly overwhelming this year. For others it may feel like a reprieve from having to organize and entertain larger numbers of family or community members. Either way things will be different for everyone this holiday season. Keep in mind that schedules will be different around the holidays and that can increase anxiety, stress, boredom or behavior challenges in children. Here are some pointers to get you through the holidays and the winter break from school.
  • Providing as much predictability, structure and routine as you can, will help to keep things as smooth as possible. For example, consider keeping much of the schedule the same when school is out as it was during school. It minimizes the transitions that everyone has to adjust to and keeps things consistent.
  • Manage expectations by explain to your kids what to expect during their time off from school this year. What will they be able to do to fill their time? What will you be doing work wise? Also manage expectations about the holidays. Discuss as a family how you will be celebrating this year and with who. How might you stay connected to family you would normally see in person but are not this year?
  • Discuss safety being up front about how COVID may be changing your holidays. If you are seeing people in person what safety precautions will you be taking and expect your kids to take?
  • If your kids will need to spend time occupying themselves independently while you work plan and prepare some activities so you can be sure they have everything they need to minimize the need to interrupt you. Now is a good time to order some craft supplies or activities for your kiddos or the family to do during the winter break.
  • Listen to how your kids are doing and talk to them about how they feel. Validating feelings through supportive listening can go a long way. If your kids are bored that is a great opportunity for them to use their creativity and do things they might not normally do or find fun new adventures.
  • If money is tight, get creative with making decorations together form things you have around your home. If you have the time you can also get creative with making gifts together with your kids for extended family members.
  • Try to find time to do enjoyable activities together as a family amid the hustle and bustle of busy daily lives.
  • Find time for parent self-care, whether that is something you do individually, as a couple or as a family.
  • Focus on the positive and spend time as a family reflecting on positive memories from this year, any fun new experiences, and cherished memories from years past. Try to enjoy each other and the holidays even though they may be different this year.
 
Remember it is okay to be overwhelmed yourself. It is okay to do less this year. It is okay to do things differently this year. We are all doing our best to juggle so many things and navigate this new landscape. Use your support network when you need them and hang in there! You may even stumble across some new holiday traditions that you decide to keep. 

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Challenging Negative Thinking with Socratic Questioning By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

12/13/2020

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What is Socratic Questioning?
The Socratic method is often described as the cornerstone of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It asks a series of focused, open-ended questions that encourage reflection. This technique produces insightful perspectives and helps identify positive actions. It’s a thoughtful dialogue with yourself or between two or more people. You will often see it used in counseling to help reveal deep values and beliefs that frame and support what we think and say. Each question is asked with genuine curiosity and to help you look at the bigger picture. 
In CBT, the focus is to modify a person’s thinking to facilitate emotional and behavioral changes. Socratic questioning can help you identify and define the problem, identify the impact of your beliefs and thoughts, and examine the meaning of events. By becoming aware of your beliefs and thoughts, you then have the ability to adjust your thinking or behaviors if needed. 

How to do Socratic Questioning:
    While Socratic questioning is best done with another person, like a therapist, it can be done on your own too. However, it’s important to make sure that you are in the right frame of mind. You want to be genuinely curious about identifying your true thoughts and feelings about the matter at hand as well as be able to be honest with yourself. 
    Socratic questioning follows the steps below:
  1. Understand the belief: state clearly your belief, thought, argument
  2. Look for evidence: ask yourself open-ended questions to elicit further knowledge and uncover assumptions, misconceptions, inconsistencies and contradictions. 
  3. Challenge your assumptions: if contradictions, inconsistencies, exceptions, or counterexamples are identified, then ask yourself to either disregard the belief/thought or restate it more precisely. 
  4. Repeat the process again, if required. 

Why use Socratic Questioning?:
    Oftentimes we can get stuck in our negative, unhelpful thoughts and that can lead to depression and anxiety. Our thoughts do affect how we feel and ultimately how we behave. If you find that you are struggling with your feelings and behaviors, then challenging how you think will help you achieve changing your feelings and behaviors. As with anything, practice is key and will help this way of thinking become more natural and less time consuming.

Below are specific questions to ask yourself to help determine how you really feel about something. 

Questions regarding an initial question or issue    
What is significant about this question?    
Is this a straightforward question to answer?    
Why do you think that?    
Are there any assumptions I can take from this question?    
Is there another important question that follows on from this one?

Questions about assumptions    
Why would someone assume that X?    
What am I assuming here?    
Is there a different assumption here?    
 
​
Questions of viewpoint    
Are there alternative views?    
What might someone who thought X think?    
How would someone else respond, and why?     

Questions of clarification    
What do you mean when you say X?    
Can you rephrase and explain differently?    
What is the main issue here?    
Can you expand that point further?    

Questions of implication and consequence    
Why do you think this is the case?    
Is there any other information needed?    
What led you to that belief?    
Are there any reasons to doubt the evidence?     

Questions of evidence and reasoning    
Can you provide an example?    
Why do you think this is the case?    
Is there any other information needed?    
What led you to that belief?    
Are there any reasons to doubt the evidence?     

Questions regarding origin    
Have you heard this from elsewhere?    
Have you always felt this way?    
What caused you to feel that way?    

Additional questions:
What is the negative thought to be questioned?
What is the evidence for this thought? Against it? 
Am I basing this thought on facts or feelings?
Is this thought black and white, when reality is more complicated?
Could I be misinterpreting the evidence?
Am I making any assumptions?
Am I looking at all the evidence or just what supports my thought?
Is my thought a likely scenario or is it the worst case scenario?

Reference
​
https://positivepsychology.com/socratic-questioning/

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All the Rage: Managing Anger Better Part 1 By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

12/6/2020

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My therapist gave me a handout on anger management yesterday.

I just lost it.

Anger is a healthy and normal emotion. Everyone gets angry, but not everyone expresses it well. This is the first in a two-part blog series on Managing Anger with Recognizing & Resetting (part 2 coming in January 2021). This blog will focus on the Recognize and the second blog will focus on how to Reset by learning relaxation strategies and effective ways to release anger.

THE GOOD AND THE MAD. All feelings are ok. Being angry or mad can be a signal that something is wrong or needs to change. It might be a response to a perceived threat. Anger can indicate that boundaries have been crossed, that we have been treated poorly, or that an injustice has occurred. It can be protective, preparing us to respond fighting when there is a real threat (setting off the Fight-Flight-Freeze response). It always involves a physiological response in our body. Adrenaline and hormones are released, heart rates and breathing quicken, blood pressure rises, focus narrows.

Anger is problem when it results in aggressive, destructive, and harmful behavior, when it hurts others either physically or emotionally. It is a problem when it is too intense, affects health, hinders functioning and school/work. Expressing anger in violence can have serious consequences. Expressing anger with yelling and demeaning comments can also cause lasting harm to relationships and is particularly damaging to trust and connection between parents and children.

The goal is not to stop feeling angry, the goal is to learn how to choose behaviors or actions that are helpful and not harmful. The work is being able to know when anger is escalating and to learn techniques to be able to calm down and release anger before losing control. This is true for parents and children. The best way to help your child calm down is to stay calm or calm down yourself first.

One of the first steps to manage anger effectively is to become aware or RECOGNIZE how we experience anger, how anger feels in our body as it increases in intensity, and what “triggers” our anger.

This begins by knowing how to talk about feelings and to have words to identify emotions. It is also important to consider that anger can also be a secondary emotion that is covering or connected to other “hidden” emotions such as embarrassed, anxious, discomfort, grief, powerlessness, and fear.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Talk about feelings and emotions. 
  • Label feelings- yours, your child’s, even characters on TV shows
  • Teach how to recognize all different emotions (by facial expressions, body language) when children are young. Having a word to express an emotion is the beginning of learning to handle it.
  • When you notice your child starting to get annoyed, frustrated, or angry label this and point it out. Do this calmly and validate the feeling. (Remember you do not have to agree with why, but do not try to dismiss or minimize what they are feeling or indicate that there is anything wrong with having this feeling).
  • Model and give children/teens language to use.
  • When your child expresses anger. Listen. Acknowledge how upset your child is and why he or she is angry.
  • Validate feelings. Rephrase or repeat what your child/teen says (active listening to help him or her feel heard and understood).
  • Remember to say you FEEL angry not you ARE angry.
  • Encourage empathy and seeing the perspective of other people
 
It is also important to talk about the difference between feelings and behavior (“It’s ok to feel angry, it is never ok to hit”). Children can learn that you can feel your feelings without acting on them- especially in a way that is hurtful or harmful. They, like us, can learn to tolerate the physiological response without losing control and lashing out.
 

Identify what situations, issues, or behaviors make you feel angry.
  • Learn your own triggers to be proactive.
  • Help children and teens increase self-awareness about why they are angry
  • Watch for tired, hungry or feeling ill- for yourself or your child. Do a “body scan” to see if there is something you need that might affect how you feel.
  • Talk about your own feelings (appropriately) and never blame a child, if a behavior makes you angry identify that behavior as something you do not like, rather than telling saying your child made you angry).
  • Watch for patterns with your child and what happened leading up to anger (as well as when increasing intensity of emotion.
 
Pay attention to how you experience anger in your body.
  • Notice your physical sensations or signals you experience when becoming angry
  • Anger creates the Fight-Flight-or Freeze reaction with physiological changes including increased blood pressure, faster heart rate, release of adrenaline and hormones. Your body is preparing to protect you and thinking becomes less clear and more hyper-focused. Decisions and consequences of actions often become less controlled as anger increases.
  • Watch your child/teen and help identify signals and point out changes you see (clenched jaw, tight fist, red face etc). This is particularly important- build awareness of how it feels in your body to be angry and at different levels of intensity.
  • Recognizing the progression of anger is essential (irritation to frustration to rage) in learning how to manage anger effectively.
 
ACTIVITIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD BUILD RECOGNITION OF ANGER SIGNALS:
  • Color anger in your body. Draw a picture/outline of a person and ask your child to color where in their body they feel anger. Head? Heart? Fists? Talk about what this feels like and why. Talk about what you notice and how you feel anger.
  • The Anger Thermometer. Draw a thermometer. Label 1-10 (or low/medium/high for younger children). Identify a feeling for each level from calm/peaceful to explosive/out of control. Talk about how each level of anger feels- from irritated/annoyed to frustrated to angry to furious. Talk about what your child/teen/self could do at each level to express anger appropriately and calm (*blog 2 will share ideas about specific calming or coping strategies for each level to add to the anger thermometer.) You can also download: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/anger-thermometer.pdf
 
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
https://childmind.org/article/angry-kids-dealing-with-explosive-behavior/
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/deal-with-anger.html 
https://www.mother.ly/child/proven-techniques-to-help-your-kid-get-control-of-anger
https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/emotional-intelligence/angry-child
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/when-is-anger-a-problem.pdf
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/anger-warning-signs.pdf

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    Parent and Child Psychological Services is a private practice serving children and families in the Sarasota, Florida area. The practice is owned and operated by Dr. Gibson, a Licensed Psychologist who is Board Certified in Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. ​

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