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The Importance of Chores for Kids at Any Age By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

7/22/2021

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    Not many people like doing chores, especially children but it is a necessary part of life. Some parents question whether they should make their children do any chores because they just want their kids to be kids or they don’t trust them to do it the “right” way. However, there are many benefits to children doing chores and these benefits will carry into adulthood. As parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to be successful when they grow up. Giving kids chores is one way to do that. 

    Chores help your children feel wanted, teach important life lessons, help ease the workload on parents, teach work ethic, responsibility, time management and self-reliance. They can help build up self-esteem and teach your children the importance of respecting and taking care of themselves, others and their possessions. 

    Some parents aren’t sure when they should start chores with their children and the good news is that you can start from age 2 on. It’s important to note that children are not always going to do the chores the way you may do them and that’s okay. The goal, especially with the younger children, is to teach them responsibility and to get them in the habit of helping out. While they are doing the task, make sure to give them a lot of praise and encouragement. If you are too critical of them or how they are doing it, then it will lower their self-esteem and make them have a negative association with chores. Below are some chores your children can do at each age. 

Toddlers (ages 2-3) (At this age, kids will need supervision)
  • Put their toys away
  • Fill up a pets food bowl
  • Place clothes in the hamper
  • Dust or wipe baseboards with socks on their hands (they’ll love this one)
  • Put books or magazines on shelves or tables
  • Help make the bed
  • Help set the table

Preschoolers (ages 4-5) (At this age, kids will not need supervision for everything)
  • Make their bed
  • Clear the table 
  • Pull weeds
  • Water flowers
  • Use a hand-held vacuum for some messes
  • Put away clean utensils
  • Help bring in light groceries
  • Sort laundry into different categories (whites or colors)
  • Match socks together
  • Dust with a cloth
  • Feed and water their pets

Primary Schoolers (ages 6-9) (At this age, they will need a lot less supervision)
  • Sweep floors
  • Help make lunches for school
  • Rake the yard
  • Clean their own bedrooms
  • Put away groceries
  • Load the dishwasher
  • Empty the dishes
  • Vacuum
  • Help prepare dinner with the parent
  • Make their own snacks/breakfast
  • Scrub the table after meals
  • Put away their own laundry
  • Walk the dog (with supervision)
  • Wet mop
  • Take out the trash or recycling

Middle Schoolers (Ages 10-13) (In addition to any of the tasks listed above…)
  • Wash the dishes or load the dishwasher
  • Wash the family car
  • Prepare easy meals without assistance
  • Wash their own clothes
  • Take the trash or recycling bins to the curb
  • Babysit younger siblings with parents at home

High Schoolers (Ages 14+) (In addition to any of the tasks listed above…)
  • Clean out the refrigerator
  • Help deep clean the kitchen 
  • Clean the bathroom including toilet, sink and shower
  • Babysit younger siblings without parents in the home (short periods for younger teens)
  • Mow the lawn
  • Care for pets, including walks
  • Make more complex meals
  • Accomplish small shopping trips alone once they get a license
  • Iron clothes
  • Help parents with simple home or auto repairs 

As a parent, it’s important to remember that your child will not always enjoy or like the chores or responsibilities that you give them. One way to help reduce some of the resistance is to give your children a choice in what they can do to help out. This is especially helpful as your children get older. If they feel like they have a choice it will help them resist less. However, no matter what the chore or responsibility they have, make sure to keep encouraging them and giving them positive feedback. 

Resources:
https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/chores/the-ultimate-list-of-age-appropriate-chores/#gs.5yiu7z

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out-outside-in/201908/why-chores-are-important-kids
​
https://www.momentumlife.co.nz/stories/why-kids-should-have-chores

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A Better Way to Validate: AND not BUT By Kirsten Ellngsen, PhD

7/15/2021

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Validating “in the moment” feelings of a child or teen is a wonderful way to connect and strengthen a relationship. You are demonstrating empathy, building social-emotional development, and teaching compassion. You do not have to agree with the behavior, the interpretation of events, or even the appropriateness of an emotional reaction. The goal of validating is to help children feel heard, seen or understood.
 
Think about how you feel when a friend, spouse or partner acknowledges what you are experiencing emotionally, just allows you to have and express emotion (without judgement or unsolicited advice). Your perspective and experience are valued. It can help hard moments, even when no problems are solved or when issues are not necessarily “solvable”.
 
Simply reflecting the feelings and identifying the emotion in a situation can improve a person’s willingness to communicate and share thoughts that build closeness. Yet, consider how it feels to have another person recognize your feelings then right away point out what you could have done differently to prevent a difficult situation or undesired outcome. How it feels if someone dismisses or minimizes your feelings when an outcome was not in your control.
 
The act of acknowledging the feeling is the point here. Especially when a child or teen seems overwhelmed by emotion. Feelings pass. They change in intensity. They are not bad or right or wrong or need to be argued against. This is not the time for “teaching” for “correcting” or “scolding, I told you so”. When parents acknowledge and pause without a lecture or command, a remarkable emotional shift can happen. This can lead to better reflection, self-awareness, and future communication.
 
Step 1: Validate and Pause
 
  • Breathe slowly
  • Look at your child and try to see situation from his or her perspective
  • Calm your voice and tone
  • Calm and relax your face, your hands, let go of muscle tension to reduce intensity
  • Label and reflect the FEELING (sad, angry, scared, excited, frustrated)
  • Take a pause. (Wait and keep breathing calmly especially when the child is very upset. Minimize what you say- the more a child is upset the less you say here).
 
It is not always easy to calmly validate a child’s feelings or experience when a reaction does not seem reasonable or understandable to you. Just reflecting the feeling and trying to see it from the child’s perspective is the start. It sends the message that “I see you” and “I accept and can handle your emotions”.
 
This approach is particularly helpful when emotions are strong. When a child is very upset and when you, as a parent, might be triggered, tired, and surprised by a reaction. Sometimes this reflection and pause is enough. A child/teen has space to feel the feeling and can move on.  
 
Validating or reflecting feelings does not mean agreeing with behavior. It does not
mean accepting any reaction or not having expectations for appropriate actions. It also does not always mean understanding an emotional response. However, just repeating back and labeling the feeling calmly will often allow a more productive conversation about the reasons for the response. 
 
The child does not have to get his or her way for an unreasonable demand. Validating a feeling or emotional reaction to an experience does not mean allowing aggressive, hurtful, or destructive behavior. Consistent consequences and discipline might need to occur depending on the BEHAVIOR. Expectations for behavior and how to express strong emotions are essential for safety and helping a child learn to regulate and function well at home and school. When the behaviors are problematic then problem solving options and choices for how to manage strong emotions is needed later when everyone is truly calm.
 
Step 2: AND not BUT…. A helpful one-word switch
 
When a child is feeling angry, sad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, excited, happy etc. it is also important that validating the feeling state is not “invalidated” by the word “BUT”.  Consider how it feels when someone dismisses, minimizes, or ignores your expressed emotions.
 
Reflecting a child’s feeling then blaming the child is not comforting or relationship strengthening (e.g, “Oh, you burned your finger look sad, that must hurt, BUT I told you not to touch the hot stove, so…”). Dismissing a feeling can also occur with BUT (e.g., “You are feeling scared to get the shot, BUT it is no big deal” vs “You said you are feeling scared to get the shot, I know this is hard AND I know you can do it”. “You are disappointed that it is raining so you can’t meet your friends at the beach, BUT we can’t control the weather” vs “I see you are disappointed, AND I understand why, you were looking forward to being with your friends”. Telling a child what to do “you are feeling angry BUT you better calm down” vs “you are feeling angry AND that is hard. What can I do to help?”).
 
Using the word “AND” rather than “BUT” when validating a child’s feelings can shorten tantrums, reduce anger, encourage courage, and generally help regulate negative emotions faster. This is not the time to tell a child how to feel, to dismiss or minimize feelings. Try to take your child’s perspective before reacting.
 
Having rules and expectations for behavior is important. If emotions are expressed in aggressive ACTIONS, there should be a later opportunity to address underlying issues and problem solve, and to talk about behavior choices. (*Of course, if your child is behaving aggressive or you are having a hard time managing your reaction STEP AWAY to calm. Make sure child is SAFE (and remove potentially dangerous objects).
 
Having negative thoughts and emotions and learning how to express these productively will help build social emotional skills and resiliency. Validating the feelings and experiences of your child or teen will strengthen your relationship.  
 
For more about levels of validation see: https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/understanding-the-levels-of-validation#1
 
 
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The Hungarian Horntail: Anticipatory Anxiety (for Harry Potter Fans) By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

7/6/2021

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Anticipatory anxiety is a common issue.  Anticipatory anxiety is often characterized by physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate, rapid pulse, shallow rapid breathing, stomachaches, headaches, and sweating, all of which arise when thinking about an upcoming event, as significant as a final exam or as simple as having to order your own ice cream.

Anticipatory anxiety tends to occur when one thinks about what may happen in a particular setting or situation (that hasn’t happened yet), with usually a negative outcome, which can then cause great anxiety.  For example, a child may think that there is no way they will pass this upcoming test and it is going to be the worst day of their life.  Then, cue the physical symptoms and behavioral issues (e.g. refusing to go to school).  

Most often, the anxiety leading up to the event is significantly worse than during the actual event. Even so, this is a hard concept for children (and adults!) to wrap their heads around.  I love using metaphors to help children (and adults!) understand these concepts and use them to challenge those catastrophic thoughts.

Here is one of my favorites:

Harry Potter is in his 4th year at Hogwarts.  Someone puts his name into the goblet of fire and he has to participate in challenges that he is not deemed old enough for.  Harry has two weeks until the first task, which is an eternity when anticipatory anxiety presents itself!  Harry “felt as though it [the first task] were crouching ahead of him like some horrific monster...He had never suffered nerves like these...Harry was finding it hard to think about the future at all. He felt as though his whole life had been leading up to and would finish with the first task”. 

Over the next two weeks, Harry is “feeling too queasy to eat”; his “brain filled with a sort of blank buzzing, which didn’t seem to allow room for concentration”; he “barely slept that night”; “he seriously considered for the first time ever just running away from Hogwarts”; “he finished his bacon with difficulty (his throat wasn’t working too well)”; “Harry felt oddly separate from everyone around him”; “it was a state of nervousness so advanced that he wondered whether he mightn’t just lose his head”; “Harry felt separate from the crowd as though they were a different species”; “horrible pictures formed in Harry’s mind”; he was “very aware of the way his heart was pumping fast and his fingers tingling with fear…..yet at the same time he seemed to be outside himself”; “he stood up, noticing dimly that his legs seemed to be made of marshmallow”; “the panic rising into a crescendo inside him”; “he was everything in front of him as though it was a very highly colored dream”.......

Cue the actual event that he has been dreading.  Harry now has to go head-to-head with the Hungarian Horntail dragon.  Harry has spent two weeks in a panic, not eating, not sleeping, feeling disconnected from the world, not being able to concentrate, and now…..

“He swung his leg over the broom and kicked off from the ground. And a second later, something miraculous happened…….he realized that he had left not only the gound behind, but also his fear…...his heart lighter than it had been in weeks”. 

Harry faced the Hungarian Horntail and it was not even remotely as bad as he thought it would be!  In fact, he knew exactly what to do and his body kicked right into action.  

This story is a great metaphor for children to help them understand how thinking about it ahead of time is usually way worse than the actual event. Talk to children about what Harry could have tried to challenge the thoughts and panic that he endured for those two weeks. Maybe Harry could have practiced positive self talk, deep breathing or used exercise to clear his mind.  The possibilities are endless and children will come up with amazing ways to help Harry. Then, they can finally understand how those same ideas could help them, too.  

References

Rowling, J. K., author. (2002). Harry Potter and the goblet of fire. New York :Scholastic.

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How To Make The Most of Summer With Your Kids By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

6/23/2021

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The last school year has been challenging for everyone, especially to your kids. They have had to learn how to adjust and readjust to how they are taught and how they learn. They have gone from virtual to in-person, maybe a few times. While kids are very resilient, they, like adults, need breaks and time to re-energize. For kids, the best way that they re-energize and release stress is through play. Below are ideas to help you and your children have fun and release stress throughout the summer. 

  • Set aside time daily to do something fun with your kids. 
    While many parents are still working throughout the summer, you can still take 10-30 mins to have some fun with your kids. Your children, especially the younger ones, will love any amount of time that you spend playing with them. Take advantage of the longer daylight hours and go play outside with your kids. 

  • Balance the time with structure and play.
    Children need structure to feel safe and secure. However, too much structure and rigidity can lead to anxiety and depression. So it’s important to find a balance. The structure part of the summer is having a fairly predictable schedule as to what’s going to be happening within the day or week. For example, having planned times for playing, down time, chores and summer reading. The balance part comes in with how much time you spend on each. During the summer, you don’t want to have your kids doing too many educational activities where they feel like they aren’t getting a chance to release their stress from the school year. However, you can find opportunities to help your kids learn through play. For example, take a long nature hike and try to identify as many animals, plants and trees as you can. Or do fun science experiments. Or go to aquariums, museums and zoos. 

  • Continue to restrict the use of technology.
During the school year, you were probably pretty strict with the use of technology. Now that it’s summer, you still want to restrict time spent on screens. While it’s okay to allow a little extra time for screens, you don’t want them to spend all day on it. Set up very clear expectations around how long your children can be on their devices. You may even need to add some parental controls to limit their time. 

  • Make a list of things you and your children want to do for the summer
    Get the family together and come up with a list of activities or places or goals that they’d like to do or accomplish throughout the summer. Identify the most important to them and start to do as many as possible. At the end of the summer, you can look back at all the things you’ve done. 

  • Try to do something new with your kids this summer. 
    Find something that you can do with your kids that you haven’t done before. Whether it’s going somewhere new, getting a pass to an amusement park or something as simple as going on bike rides as a family. No matter what it is, your kids will enjoy the experience and the memories that they are making. 

    No matter how you spend your summer, the best thing to do for your children is to have fun and play with them. Enjoy each other’s company and make memories. Below is a list of different ideas to help get you started on it. 

  1. Run a lemonade stand
  2. Make smores over a fire
  3. Go fishing
  4. Go to the drive in movies
  5. Stargaze
  6. Have a water fight
  7. Play tourist in a town you’ve never been to before
  8. Go on family bike rides
  9. Run through the sprinklers
  10.  Build an obstacle course inside or outside
  11. Play board games
  12. Garden
  13. Go to the aquarium, museum or zoo
  14. Go to the beach on the Atlantic side
  15. Try to go to a new Splash Pad each week
  16. Go camping even if it’s in your own backyard
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Reflecting on the past school year: Recognizing the good and good enough By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

6/10/2021

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Welcome Summer. Goodbye to the 2020-2021 school year. An academic year that started at home and online for many students and ended with some never returning to brick and mortar schools. There were new demands, challenges, and expectations for learning. Video instruction, technology glitches, masks, quarantine. Distance from friends, cancelled activities, postponed celebrations, as well as limitations on travel, social interactions, and time with extended family. New sources of stress. Navigating a “new normal”.
 
I have been inspired and impressed by the perseverance and effort of so many children, teens, and their parents during the Covid pandemic to complete this school year. I witnessed resiliency and sacrifice, loss, and connection. A focus on what is essential and letting go of what is not.
 
Take time to acknowledge all that you as a parent did to get here.  Recognize all your child or teen did to finish the school year.
 
Take time to reflect on these accomplishments in the light of a global pandemic with all the challenges, uncertainty, disappointment, fears, and frustrations. While the circumstances, resources and impact were unique for each family, there were new demands and difficult decisions for everyone. Even when there was gratitude and appreciation for more time together as a family, the change in caregiving, learning, and work demands truly required adjustment and flexibility at a whole new level.
 
As summer approaches, try to look back at the past year with compassion. Have compassion for yourself, your child or teen, their teachers, your family and friends.
 
Celebrate successes with a big picture perspective that also sees what it took each day to finish.
The standards might be different than in the past. Maybe it was a major academic accomplishment, courage demonstrated, relationships cherished, or moments that were enjoyed. Maybe it was getting “just enough” done each day to keep moving forward.
 
Allow space and time to adjust and return to previous life activities. Let yourself feel the positive and the negative from the past year. Acknowledge and accept disappointments. Be grateful for what was enjoyed and gained. Do a regular “self-check” to bring awareness to your own feelings and needs and model this self-care. Pay attention to the effects of chronic stress that might be felt more now as the school year ends and academic demands decrease.
 
Finally, recognize the good, the positive moments and good enough accomplishments without minimizing the impact of true grief or loss, trauma, or hardship. If there was loss, be aware of what is needed to grieve and be particularly mindful during anniversaries. Please seek support if you or your child are struggling with loss, having difficulty managing anxiety or depression, or if you could benefit from using more effective or healthier coping strategies.
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Child Anxiety 101 by Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

5/27/2021

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Tips on How to Build Self-Esteem in your Child By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

5/20/2021

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In order to be able to build self-esteem in your children, it’s important to know what it is and how much of a role it plays in people’s lives. Self-esteem is described as a person’s overall subjective sense of personal worth or value. It’s defined by many factors including self-confidence, feeling secure, identity, sense of belonging, and feeling competent. It plays a big part in influencing our motivation, our mental health, our decision making process, our relationships and our overall quality of life. To flourish, kids need to be able to believe in their own abilities as well as know how to manage it when they aren’t successful. Below are several ways in which you can help instill confidence and build self-esteem in your child. 

  • Model Confidence:
    Parents play a big role in how their children learn how to do all sorts of things. Your kids are constantly watching and learning from you on how to handle disappointments, try new things, and how to persevere through challenges. You don’t need to be perfect and you can acknowledge struggles or concerns but don’t dwell on them. Instead focus on the positives and what you can do and learn from the experiences. 

  • Avoid Dwelling on the Negative or Mistakes:
    It’s important to normalize making mistakes by being patient when they make a mistake. Embrace imperfection and how unattainable being perfect is. Don’t dwell on what went wrong but help your child identify what they could learn from it and then move forward. 

  • Encourage your child to try new things:
    It’s good for kids to have diversity in what they can do and what they have done. If all they do is the one thing that they excel at, they won’t feel confident to try different things that may be a challenge for them. Having multiple skills helps your child feel capable and confident that they can handle anything. 

  • Allow your child to fail:
    This may be very hard for some parents to do because you want to protect your child from getting hurt and feeling pain. But failing allows your child to realize that they will survive it and they will be able to learn how to manage setbacks. Through perseverance comes confidence.

  • Give your child responsibilities:
    When children participate in chores and have responsibilities, they develop a sense of purpose and accomplishment. This helps them feel valued and needed. When your kids participate around the house, praise them for their efforts and participate, even if it isn’t done perfectly well. 

  • Allow your child to explore their own interests:
    Your children are trying to develop their own identity and that may include activities or expression of self that’s not a part of your vision for their life. However, your child needs to learn what their own passion in life is. Their self-esteem will grow when they are able to see themselves accomplish new tasks and challenges that come with their passion. 

  • Model positive self-talk:
    As a parent you are a model for your child. They see how you interact with the world including how you manage frustration, setbacks and challenges. When you are struggling with a problem, say encouraging or calming words/phrases out loud so your child can hear how you are managing the situation. 
  • Encourage Independence:
    As your child gets older, let them do more and more on their own. Even if it takes longer for the tasks to get done. As they get into their middle school years, it’s important to let your child do more things that you normally would do for them. For example, figure out how to manage their time and school work, how to talk to teachers about problems, and how to make sure they have everything for school. If you continue to do things for them, they will start to believe that they can’t do anything for themselves or can’t do anything right. This quickly lowers their self-esteem. 

    As parents, we want our children to have high self-esteem but remember you aren’t perfect either so be patient with yourself. You may not always get it right and that’s okay. The most important thing is to let your child know that you love them no matter what. Your unconditional love will go a long way with bolstering your child’s self worth. 

Resources
https://childmind.org/article/12-tips-raising-confident-kids/
​
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-esteem-2795868

https://www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-build-strong-self-esteem-in-your-child-3953464

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What to expect from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for your child or teen By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

5/13/2021

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What is CBT?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a structured goal-oriented treatment approach that can be shorter in length than other forms of psychotherapy. CBT is based on a combination of cognitive and behavioral theories about the mind, emotions and behavior. CBT is based on the concept that thoughts, feelings and actions are interconnected, and therefore that making changes to even one of these leads to changes in the others. What we think affects how we feel and how we feel affects how we act and the choices we make. CBT operates under the notion that there are maladaptive thinking patterns involved in many of the things children and teens struggle with.
 
What does CBT treat?
CBT can be used to treat a variety of disorders and problems that kids face. This includes diagnoses such as separation anxiety, social anxiety, specific phobias, major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder as well as areas of struggle that may not reach the point of a diagnosis such as low self-esteem, chronic negativity, low grit or resilience, anger management difficulties and fear or worry. There are few things for which CBT cannot provide some benefit.
 
What is involved in CBT/What will my child learn? 
Your child or teen will be learning new ways to REACT to tough situations! And each letter in the word REACT tells us something that will be worked on in CBT treatment: Rapport, Education, Affect awareness, Coping skills, Thought restructuring. Practice of all that is worked on in CBT is critical to your child or teens success in treatment and will be discussed at the end of this blog. First here is more information about what the steps involved in CBT in the REACT acronym.
  • Rapport- It is essential for the therapist to build a good relationship and rapport with your child so that they will open up and be honest in therapy as well as be motivated to work hard. And CBT can be hard work! Expect the therapist to use toys, games, books, worksheets, or computer programs to make therapy fun for your child. They learn and grow best when they are having fun and comfortable. A portion of the session may be spent doing something your child or teen enjoys, and that is an important part of the process.
  • Education- CBT also begins with educating the child and family about the particular struggle bringing them to treatment and how their thoughts, feelings and/pr actions are contributing to that struggle. Education is provided about the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behavior.
  • Affect Awareness/Feelings Identification and Regulation- In order to fully understand how thoughts, feelings and behaviors affect one another it is important for the child to have a grasp of a variety of emotions. The child or teen will develop or expand their feelings vocabulary and understanding of sensations that go with different emotions. Body cues are important signals to be aware of that helps understand what emotion we are experiencing. Children and teens in CBT will become aware of when they have which emotions, what tends to trigger those emotions for them, and how to better regulate those emotions. Different tools help manage different feelings.
  • Coping Skills/Stress Management Strategies- Building a tool kit of coping skills is core component of CBT. What ends up in your child or teen’s tool kit will depend both on what their particular struggle is as well as which coping skills “work” to provide relief for that particular individual. For example, progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique that helps many people with anxiety, but if PMR does not click with your anxious child there are many other relaxation techniques that can be taught. As a general rule, relaxation techniques are often taught for anxiety, calming strategies for anger, and techniques that increase enjoyment for depression. Whatever the presenting issue a tool kit of stress management techniques tailored to that issue and your child or teen will be developed.
  • Thought restructuring- Sometimes referred to as cognitive coping techniques, thought restructuring is a cornerstone skill of CBT. Children and teens first need to be able to differentiate their thoughts from their feelings/emotions. Not always as simple as it sounds in a world where we routinely use the word “feel” when we are actually talking about our thoughts (ex- “I feel like having pizza tonight” we are really thinking we want pizza, or “I feel like you’re mad at me” meaning I think you may be mad at me and I feel worried about it so I am bringing it up to you). The common thinking traps (sometimes referred to as cognitive distortions) the child or teen falls into are identified. Then work is done to help the child or teen learn to question whether those thoughts are accurate and/or helpful, and then to challenge, change or reframe unrealistic or unhelpful thinking with positive self-talk and more helpful thinking. Over time we are trying to change their default patterns to be less self-defeating and more resilient.
 
Who is involved in CBT?
Much of the work of CBT with a child or teen will be done one on one with the therapist. It is important for caregivers to be regularly involved as well to be able to support the child or teen in using the skills or strategies they are learning outside of session. It is common to get an update from a caregiver at the start of session, and then to have the caregiver re-join again at the end for the child to either teach the caregiver what they have learned, or if culturally that is not comfortable to be provided an update from the therapist.
 
How much therapy is needed?
CBT usually involves weekly therapy sessions that are 45-60 minutes in length. Sessions may be shorter for younger children or for children with limited attention spans, however at least 45 minutes is typical so that there is adequate time to update the caregiver about the session and what to work on at home or school. The more straightforward the issue the shorter the course of treatment will be, and likewise more complex issues will likely require more sessions. CBT is generally thought of as a shorter-term therapy that a child will graduate from once attaining their treatment goals. It is not uncommon to return for shorter episodes of care in the future if there is a flare-up of the child’s struggles.
 
Why is my child getting homework for therapy?
Homework, or real-life practice, between sessions is an important part of CBT so that we are not just thinking and talking about these ideas but actively putting them into practice. If they are learning a new coping skill they need to practice it regularly to get comfortable enough doing it that they can actually later be able to use it in the moment when having a challenging thought or emotion. For anxiety the home practice is often referred to as “exposures” meaning we are exposing the child to the things that makes them nervous or frightened through planned practice. For depression the practice may involve behavioral activation or positive event scheduling. Expect that your child or teen will have assignments of things to work on outside of therapy. Your support may be required for some of the practice, and other times there may be things for your child or teen to do on their own.
 
CBT helps give concrete strategies and education to lay the foundation for healthy thoughts, feelings and actions, and resilience in the face of life’s stressors.
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When separating is hard By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

5/6/2021

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The past year has meant more time at home apart from friends and people outside of the family. Many children and teens struggled to remain connected socially or learn remotely. Others experienced a relief from social pressures and anxiety. With the recent availability in COVID vaccines, there will be more opportunities for children and teens to participate in social activities and the return to in-person learning when school has been virtual. This change might bring excitement and a welcomed relief, as well as an increase in anxiety.
 
Being apart from parents or caregivers might be particularly difficult when there was separation anxiety pre-pandemic. It is also likely complicated with new fears about health and safety.
 
What is Separation Anxiety? https://childmind.org/article/what-is-separation-anxiety/
 
Separation anxiety is a normal and expected part of development for infants and during early childhood. It typically subsides when children are 7-8 years of age. Anxiety is also usually temporary (lasting less than a month at a time) and mild. Anxiety to be apart from parents and caregivers serves a protective and adaptive function. Like all types of anxiety, it is the body’s way of trying to protect- just doing so when there is no actual threat of danger.
 
Strategies to help with typical separation anxiety with babies and toddlers see: https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/health-library/separation-anxiety.
 
What can you do to support your children or teens?
 
These websites also provide helpful tips for parents:
 
Separation Anxiety. Dos and Don’ts to Help Your Child (and You) be Brave: https://gozen.com/separation-anxiety-dos-and-donts-to-help-your-child-and-you-be-brave/
 
What to say when your child does not want to go to school: https://www.understood.org/en/learning-thinking-differences/understanding-childs-challenges/talking-with-your-child/what-to-say-when-kids-with-learning-and-thinking-differences-dont-want-to-go-to-school
 
Books that are helpful for children:
Help your dragon overcome separation anxiety by Steve Herman
 
What do do when you don’t want to be apart
 
 
When is Separation Anxiety a problem?
 
Some children and teens experience prolonged anxiety about separating and being away from parents/caregivers. The anxiety affects children’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. There are also physical symptoms, usually stomach aches or headaches. Separation anxiety is a problem when it causes extreme distress and negatively affects a child’s ability to function at school or with friends. When anxiety is intense, lasts more than 4 weeks, interferes with going to school or participation in social activities it might indicate a Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).
To meet criteria as a Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD), this lasts longer than a month.
 
For more information about SAD see:
 
https://childmind.org/guide/separation-anxiety-disorder/
https://www.webmd.com/parenting/separation-anxiety#1
https://www.anxietycanada.com/disorders/separation-anxiety-2/
https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/managing-feelings/stress-anxiety/social-anxiety-and-learning-and-thinking-differences-what-you-need-to-know
 
For parents: Help your child overcome separation anxiety or school refusal by Eisen and Engler.
  
If the anxiety is intense and interferes with participation in school, learning, or engagement in otherwise enjoyed social activities it is important to get support. Talk with your pediatrician or a child therapist who can evaluate and provide treatment to manage fears and build coping strategies. 
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Tools for Your Toolbelt: Coping Strategies By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

4/27/2021

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Everyone has stress, worries, fears, and sadness.  As I tell my clients, it’s normal and good to have all of these feelings.  These feelings only become a problem when they start impacting one’s ability to function or to enjoy life. For the times when the feelings start interfering with life, it’s incredibly important to have a toolbelt full of tools, otherwise known as coping strategies.  

Here are some easy tools to try out for your belt:

  1. Deep breathing: You can make it fun by imagining smelling your favorite cookies fresh out of the oven (breathe the smell in through your nose) and imagine blowing on those cookies to cool them off (breathe out through your mouth until all the air is exhaled). 
  2. Talk to yourself like you would talk a friend: If a friend just got a bad grade, would you tell them that they are dumb and will probably fail the entire class?  No, but we often tell ourselves these things.  Imagine what you would say to a friend in that situation and try saying it to yourself.  
  3. Have a good cry.  My clients all know not to call it a “breakdown”.  Humans cry.  It’s what we do.  A good cry can be a great release.  There is nothing broken about it and sometimes it is incredibly freeing to let it all out.  
  4. Tear paper. Smash cardboard boxes. Stomp on air pillows.  
  5. Drink a glass of water.  This actually tricks the brain into thinking things are okay.  
  6. EXERCISE.  EXERCISE. EXERCISE.  Even a brisk walk for 20 minutes gets the happy hormones flowing.  Do 100 jumping jacks. Anything that gets your body moving and your heart rate up.  
  7. Be creative: Draw, write, create art.
  8. Engage in gratitude: When you’re feeling low, find three things to be thankful for, in that very moment. The items can be as big as the sunshine or as small as being grateful that you have a box of the soft tissues in the house. 
  9. Counting: This engages both sides of your brain and calms it. Make it semi-challenging, but not stressful.  Count to 99 by 3’s. Count how many items of each color of the rainbow you can find around you.  Count how many steps it is to walk the perimeter of your house. 
  10. EXERCISE. EXERCISE. EXERCISE.  Yes, do it again.  

Challenge yourself to pick one or two to try for at least one week.  Whenever those strong feelings arise in the week, try your pick and see if it’s a good one to keep in your belt. 

​
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    Parent and Child Psychological Services is a private practice serving children and families in the Sarasota, Florida area. The practice is owned and operated by Dr. Gibson, a Licensed Psychologist who is Board Certified in Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. ​

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