Parent and Child Psychological Services of Sarasota

Play Therapy By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

2/5/2023

Ever wonder what play therapy is or why kids need it? Click the link to watch the video “Introducing Andrew” before reading more!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=reJpo-GaopM&t=1s

This lovely video is so accurate when we think about the difference between talk therapy for adults and play therapy for children. Children do not have the language or maturity to express themselves fully with words. (Actually, many adults do not yet either.) Therefore, toys are a child’s words and play is their language. Play therapy is an effective, creative approach that meets the child where he or she is, and utilizes their language, play!

When placed in the right therapeutic environment, with a good therapeutic relationship, a child will gravitate towards acting and working out tough problems that cannot be verbally expressed. Therapeutic play is very different from regular play. A trained play therapist recognizes themes in play, promotes emotion regulation, self-control and confidence. A trained play therapist also will use evidence-based interventions shown to be effective for treating the presenting issue.

You can read more about play therapy and search for a Registered Play Therapist in your area at www.A4PT.org.

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Teen Anxiety in a Post-Covid World by Jessica Custer, BA

1/28/2023

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Anxiety is one of the most common mental disorders among teenagers. Before the pandemic, the rates of anxiety and depression among teens were on the rise, but recent CDC data suggests that mental health for teenagers has been heavily impacted by the Covid-19 pandemic. Increased pressure to succeed in school, living in the age of social media, and living in a society plagued with mass shootings and war coverage on the media are all factors that affect how teens cope with symptoms of anxiety. We can now add covid related stressors like social isolation, missed milestones, increases in family stress, and online school pressures to the list of factors that influence teens today. Teens are especially vulnerable to feeling the effects of these outside stresses because they are in a unique stage of life that is already filled with uncertainty and doubt within themselves. Being aware of what teens worry about, how to best support them, as well as what symptoms to look for that may signal the need for help are all important areas for parents and teachers to be aware of to lower teen risk factors for anxiety disorders.

What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a broad description of multiple different mental disorders. Some of the more common anxiety disorders are specific phobias, panic disorder, separation anxiety, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, selective mutism, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Anxiety can look different in different people, but it is generally an overreaction of the sympathetic nervous system, or fight, flight, or freeze response, so something that is perceived as a threat when it is not. Teens today worry about school performance, college admission and scholarships, others’ perceptions of them, and their changing bodies. Some amount of anxiety is normal and healthy, it motivates us to achieve and excel, but often the symptoms of anxiety can become overwhelming and lead to unhealthy effects on the brain and body. There are many outward symptoms of anxiety to look for in teens and different teens may have different combinations of symptoms. Some symptoms include:

Recurring worries about many things, frequent need for reassurance
Irritability or anger
Perfectionism
Body dissatisfaction
Inability to focus
Extreme self-consciousness and sensitivity to criticism
Withdrawal from friends or activities
Avoidance of stressful or new situations
Frequent physical complaints
Substance use

How Can I Help My Teen?
Anxiety disorders may be on the rise, but the good news is that there is hope and help for teens who may be feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed by anxious thoughts and worries. Some good preventative measures can be helpful to incorporate into a healthy lifestyle that can lower a teen’s risk for developing an anxiety disorder but be aware that sometimes genetics play a larger role. Risk factors include genetic predisposition, social isolation, parental overprotection or parental indifference, a temperament prone to behavioral inhibition (fear-based temperament from childhood), high screen time, low physical activity, poor nutrition, and poor sleeping habits. Research suggests that teens with less than 2 hours of screen time have a significantly lower risk for anxiety and this is noteworthy. It may be due to the sleeplessness teens experience when they stay up too late watching videos or movies, or the lack of physical activity that occurs when teens spend too much time on screens, but it is something to pay attention to in lowering the risk of anxiety disorders. It is also important that teens are getting enough sleep, well-rounded nutrition, and regular physical activity to combat the effects of too much stress on their bodies. The best strategy for parenting teens who worry a lot is to acknowledge and empathize with the teens’ feelings while also not giving too much credit to the worry or fear. Showing your support for hard emotions is important but giving too much attention to worry can make it grow.

Even when all the preventative measures are taken, some teens have a predisposition to anxiety disorders and may need extra help to learn to manage and overcome the symptoms. Seeing a counselor who can help them learn to combat those anxious thoughts, and tolerate the discomfort through exposure, mindfulness, and coping skills will lead to a healthier and happier life. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combined with mindfulness strategies has been shown to have great success in combatting anxiety. Medication may be needed by some as well to receive the full benefits of therapy. It is important not to ignore your teen’s overwhelming anxiety symptoms because untreated anxiety can lead to substance abuse, depression, and even suicidality. Children who are exhibiting behavioral inhibition, fear of strangers, or new activities, have a much higher risk of developing an anxiety disorder as a teen and young adult and would benefit from earlier treatment as a preventative measure. Anxiety is a normal part of life for everyone, and a certain amount can be beneficial, but when teens get overwhelmed and do not have the skills to cope or manage their symptoms, the problem can grow and become unmanageable. Offering support, modeling healthy habits, and encouragement of healthy lifestyle choices can make a big difference in preventing your teen from developing an anxiety disorder.

References

Anxiety among kids is on the rise. Wider access to CBT may provide needed solutions. (n.d.). Https://Www.Apa.Org. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/10/child-anxiety-treatment

Better ways to combat anxiety in youth. (n.d.). Https://Www.Apa.Org. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/12/combat-anxiety

Kim, S., Favotto, L., Halladay, J., Wang, L., Boyle, M. H., & Georgiades, K. (2020).

Differential associations between passive and active forms of screen time and adolescent mood and anxiety disorders. Social Psychiatry & Psychiatric
Epidemiology, 55(11), 1469–1478. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-020-01833-9

Miller, C. (2022). How Anxiety Affects Teenagers. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/signs-of-anxiety-in-teenagers

The Crisis of Youth Mental Health | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. (n.d.). Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/From-the-CEO/April-2022/The-Crisis-of-Youth-Mental-Health

General, O. of the S. (2021, December 7). U.S. Surgeon General Issues Advisory on Youth Mental Health Crisis Further Exposed by COVID-19 Pandemic [Text]. HHS.Gov. https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2021/12/07/us-surgeon-general-issues-advisory-on-youth-mental-health-crisis-further-exposed-by-covid-19-pandemic.html

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Dr. Bruce Perry’s Regulate, Relate, Reason Framework By Izzy Devorkin, RMHCI, NCC

1/20/2023

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Do you think your child could win an award for having the world's longest tantrums? It may sometimes feel this way. Many times, your child’s tantrums cause extreme frustration for both you and your child. As a parent, there are certain tools that can be used in conjunction with your child’s tantrums to help them learn, think, and reflect. This framework will also help strengthen your relationship with your child.

Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned neuroscientist in the field of children's mental health and trauma, created a simple sequence that will help you as a parent feel more prepared for a tantrum, and your child feel more supported. This sequence is known as The Three R’s.

It’s helpful to learn this framework through an example. Let’s use a classic one - your child is having a tantrum because you won’t let them have a second piece of cake at a birthday party. Your child’s tantrum may feel embarrassing especially when you’re surrounded by others, so what can you do? First, try your best to ignore the reactions of people around you, and focus on what you can do in the moment rather than what other people are thinking about you and your child.

The Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, Reason

Regulate

This is where we start. The moment your child starts having a tantrum it’s important to take action to help them regulate, and make sure you’re regulated yourself. It may be helpful to ask your child during a time when they are relaxed, what helps them calm down. Some kids like to have space, some like having their back rubbed or having some water and a snack, it really depends on what helps your child feel best. It’s also important that you as a parent are aware of what helps calm you down so you feel like you can handle the situation. Whether that’s taking some deep breaths or having a glass of water, find what it is that helps you feel regulated.

It may be hard to understand that sometimes your child needs space, and you may be tempted to show affection because that’s what will make you feel better, but it’s crucial to do what feels right for them. In the example of wanting a second piece of cake, maybe your child needs physical touch to regulate, so you spend a few minutes or however long it takes rubbing their back until they start to show signs of calming down. It’s important to limit language in this step, and really use it as a time to let your child process their emotions.

Relate

This is where connection comes in. Once you and your child have both calmed down, this is where a calm and soothing dialogue can be introduced through saying compassionate and empathetic things like “I sometimes want two pieces of cake too” or “it can be really frustrating when we can’t have what we want.” This is a really important moment to build those connections with your child and relate to them. If your child doesn’t seem ready to accept dialogue, you can also let them know that you are there when they are ready.

Reason

This is the last step of the sequence, and it’s crucial to not jump to reasoning until you have gone through the other R’s. Many times, it’s a natural response to want to reason with your child right away and say things like “if you have another piece of cake your tummy will hurt and you will feel sick.” Trying to reason first will not work as it takes a higher level of thinking, and when a child is completely dysregulated and having big emotions, their thinking brain is not turned on, and your dialogue may cause even more frustration for the child.

After you and your child are regulated, and you have related with your child, then the reasoning can come into play. This is when you can say things like “I don’t want your tummy to hurt and having a lot of cake can make you feel sick.” This is a great time to name the child’s emotions and use this as an opportunity to help your child learn more about their big feelings.

If this sequence was skipped and you just took your child home from the birthday party without utilizing this sequence, the tantrum may have been prolonged and you have missed an opportunity to connect with your child and help them learn and reflect.

The Three R’s can be used any time a child is having a meltdown. To help you remember Three R’s, it may be beneficial to have post-it notes throughout your home that say ‘RRR’ to help jog your memory in times of dysregulation. Having this simple reminder will allow you to feel in control of your emotions, and increase your confidence in your ability to approach the situation at hand. It will take practice to feel prepared in utilizing this approach, but the more you practice implementing it, the more natural and effective it will become.

Resources:

Visual

https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/The-Three-Rs.pdf

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What to do with Worry by Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD, PMH-C

1/13/2023

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Worry is the thought component of anxiety. An important part of effectively managing anxiety is recognizing, challenging, and changing unhelpful thoughts and thinking patterns.

Worry can be productive and facilitate planning and problem solving for an upcoming event or figuring out how to prepare for an upcoming challenge. It can be beneficial for academic achievement. It can enhance focus and motivation. For example, if your child is worried about an upcoming test worry can encourage productive studying and enhance performance. It can also motivate action to prepare for potential risk or challenges, such as gathering supplies and an evaluation plan if a predicted hurricane nears. Worry might also help a child think through consequences and be more cautious to moderate risk-taking behavior.

When worry is addressed or facilitates productive action it is a manageable and helpful part of normal life. Everyone worries. Just like we do not want to get rid of all anxiety, we do not want to get rid of all worry. The goal is to recognize and use worry to make safe choices and prepare or plan for necessary responses to challenges.

However, worry is an ineffective method to solve problems if thoughts begin to focus on extremes (e.g., the “what if…” or highly unlikely 1% possible negative outcomes) and become out of balance to real danger or circumstances. When worry is excessive, frequent and/or interferes with enjoying and full functioning in life it can become a significant problem. It is a problem when worry is unrealistic with an exaggerated risk or probability that results in a child not wanting to participate in expected or otherwise enjoyable activities.

What anxiety might look like for children and teens

Frequent reassurance-seeking.
Afraid to separate from parents; fear of being alone.
Complaints about physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches).
Anger or Oppositional behavior. Increased moodiness or irritability.
More tantrums or meltdowns (particularly toddlers and preschool age children).
Changes in appetite or eating behavior. Trouble falling asleep or regression in sleep.
Trouble falling asleep or regression in sleep.

Steps to Managing Worry
THOUGHTS: Teaching children that they can reduce worry and that worry thoughts are connected to how they feel is the first step to helping them effectively manage worry. Helping children identify worry as thoughts and choose more helpful and realistic thoughts is the goal.

Different types of thoughts can make a person feel more or less anxious. Encourage the Maybe for unknown. Help children become comfortable tolerating uncertainty (and that we cannot know 100% what will happen in any given situation). Learning strategies to increase calming thoughts and relaxation strategies to calm our body can help reduce worry and better manage anxiety.

Challenge Worry: Break it down to understand concerns. Guide child/teen to more balanced or helpful thoughts. Ask “What is the evidence for this/against this”? Question “Are you sure?” “Is that a fact or feeling?” “Am I jumping to conclusions?”.

Help children identify and choose more helpful and realistic second thoughts, so that children realize that they are able to handle worry and feel better by noticing and transforming self-talk, perspective, and the thoughts.

Model healthy coping and express how you manage worries.

Facilitate problem solving and work together to come up with a plan rather than offering a solution or fixing the problem so your child is empowered to address the problem.

ACTIONS: While worry is the thought component of anxiety, there are actions that can help decrease and manage worry.
Physical sensations (our fight or flight response) and emotional reactions are also part of anxiety. Relaxation strategies (diaphragmatic “belly” breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and guided imagery) can help reduce the physiological symptoms of anxiety. Some suggestions for helping children manage anxious thoughts and worry (particularly when it is problematic) are presented below.
Finally, show compassion and help your child identify and express his or her feelings. Keep the worry in perspective. Validate feelings first. Don’t minimize feelings or dismiss worry Listen. Model calm. Acknowledge concerns and then help them come up with more useful thoughts. Make sure your child gets adequate sleep and re-sets with physical activity every day.

Additional Resources:
Coping Skills for Anxiety www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/coping-skills-anxiety
Worry Less in 3 Steps: kidshealth.org/Nemours/en/kids/worry-less.html

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The Power of Forgiveness and Letting Go By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

1/6/2023

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It’s nearly impossible to go through life without experiencing some form of betrayal, aggression or just plain insensitivity from someone. People can hurt you in so many different ways and forgiving them is not always easy. When we feel betrayed by someone we trust and love, it can be extremely hard to understand why that person hurt us, intentionally or not. However, unresolved conflict, holding on to grudges or ruminating can have a significant effect on your physical and mental health.

Chronic anger puts your body in flight or fight mode, which results in numerous changes to your heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. It can cause depression, anxiety, problems sleeping and concentrating. Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can lower the risk of heart attack, improve cholesterol levels, improve sleep, reduce pain, reduce blood pressure and decrease levels of anxiety, depression and stress.

Depending on the offense, forgiveness can seem nearly impossible. It can be difficult to find compassion for someone who has wronged you. It may even feel like forgiving them is like letting them off the hook. However, forgiveness allows you to let go of the negative emotions and thoughts and be able to move forward, either with or without that person.

Forgiveness is not just saying the words. It’s a choice that is made. It’s a process in which you are actively making a decision to let go of negative feelings whether it’s deserved or not. Depending on the severity of the offense, the process could take weeks, months or even years.

The following steps can help with the process of forgiveness:

Before you can forgive, you have to reflect and process the offense. What happened? How did you react? How did you feel? How has the hurt and anger affected you since it happened?
As hard as this may be, empathize with the person. If you can put yourself in their shoes, you may better understand why they did what they did. This act of empathizing doesn’t excuse the offense or the person but it helps you see them as a human being that made a mistake.
Let go of the expectation that they will or should apologize. If you don’t expect it then you won’t be disappointed.
If able, tell the person that you forgive them. If that is too difficult or not possible, talk about it with someone you trust or write about it in a journal.

Forgiveness is tough at times, however, the more you practice forgiveness the better you’ll be at it. And the research is clear, that forgiveness leads to a happier and healthier life.

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-forgiveness-3144954

https://blog.aamft.org/clinical-topics/page/3/

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it

https://wa-health.kaiserpermanente.org/forgiveness-health-benefits/

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The Mindful Evaluation Process By Dr. Ginger Martin

12/29/2022

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I have been conducting autism evaluations for over fifteen years and have seen every way to do it. I have worked in clinics where time was short and evaluations were rushed, I have worked in settings where detail and the process were valued, and I have even seen some clinics who offer diagnoses via telehealth. In my journey working with this wonderful population, the most meaningful experiences for the child, the family, and myself have been found when the time is taken to truly understand each person’s perspective, concerns, needs, and especially their strengths. I always strive to listen to parents, to honor their concerns, to observe the child and note their most special qualities, to include the providers who work so hard and so closely with the child and family, and to provide feedback that is kind, respectful, thoughtful, and positive. I have told countless families that a diagnosis does not change anything about how wonderful the child is; it simply helps us understand them better and to guide the next steps for support.

Years ago, when I began to cultivate my practice and determined how I wanted to offer the gold standard in autism evaluations, I determined that it cannot be a rushed process and that all people need to be heard. That is why I sit with the child and family for a detailed intake process, asking specific questions, allowing parents to share stories and examples, and paying attention to what they need as a parent during this process. Allowing the child to play, explore the office, interact with their parents and myself, and become comfortable is an essential part of the evaluation as well. It allows me to start to get to know them, observe nuances of their interactions, and start to build rapport. When the child and parent return for the evaluation session, both are more comfortable and relaxed which offers more opportunity to truly see both strengths and weaknesses during the assessment. I enjoy the playful process of the evaluation, a chance to be silly with your child, and to put everyone at ease. I want to see each child at their best and may even ask mom or dad to join us on the floor; often you can get more from your child and I want to see what they are truly capable of! I always include developmental or cognitive testing as well so that I can get a full picture of your child and their needs.

Combined with our intake discussion, parent and teacher forms, and all my observations and assessments I have plenty of information to pour through and compile into a detailed and thorough evaluation report. My goal is to look at all the information with a microscope and then to pull back and look at the big picture and patterns. This allows me to formulate the diagnosis that most truly fits. No one is feeling particularly hopeful when scheduling an autism evaluation for their child and my goal is to put parents’ minds at ease, to allow them to trust my process, and to support them in the journey. The outcome is that most parents leave feedback sessions feeling grateful, relieved, and hopeful about their child’s next steps. We take our time during the feedback meeting, discussing details of the data, offering explanations of my observations, and educating the parent about the diagnosis. Parents are free to ask questions, challenge the data, and to indicate if they feel I truly saw their child. I always provide detailed next steps, a roadmap individualized for your child, and offer continued consultation as needed after the evaluation. My goal is for your child to succeed, for you to know how to best understand and support them, and for everyone to see the gifts each child has to offer.

Dr. Martin is now accepting new clients for evaluations for ages 2-18 at her office in Venice FL for immediate availability. She provides a comprehensive and collaborative evaluation process to assess for autism or other developmental disorders. Contact mbhschedule@gmail.com to inquire about scheduling.

Mindful Behavioral Health
333 S Tamiami Trail, Suite 283
Venice FL 34285

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Mindfulness During the Holiday Season By Krista Morgan, BS

12/22/2022

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As winter approaches, our daily routines are easily influenced by the changing weather and holiday season. Days feel shorter, despite the additional errands and activities we commit ourselves to during this time of year, and sooner than later you may find yourself lost among the chaos of appeasing others before putting your own needs first. If you are struggling to take care of yourself this holiday season, the below tips and resources can help you cope with the triggers you may face and help you kick off the new year on a more purposeful stroke.

Prioritizing Yourself: Setting Boundaries and Establishing New Expectations in Groups
Spending time with family can feel heartwarming and rejuvenating, but if you often find yourself eventually feeling overwhelmed by family dynamics or socially claustrophobic it is important to listen to the signals your body is sending you and have a plan to remove yourself from the situation in order to stabilize your nervous system. You might notice yourself mentally drifting from the present environment, your body temperature rising, your leg shaking or your fingers rapping, your stomach growing painful or nauseous; these are all signs of anxiety rising and your body telling you it is not comfortable with your surroundings.

Acknowledging these physiological manifestations of distress is the first step in being able to effectively self-regulate your body. Once you notice the discomfort, it’s important to reflect on what in your environment is causing you to feel so dysregulated in order to respond appropriately. Below are some ways you might take care of yourself in these situations.

Proactively, if you know what will trigger you:

Create a plan with an accountability partner for how long you will attend an event or what time you will leave
Choose to only attend gatherings with people you feel comfortable spending time with
If traveling, plan your own accommodations so that you have your own space to retreat to
Rehearse responses to personal questions or comments you may not feel comfortable answering in the moment
Be transparent but firm about the boundaries you are setting in order to set expectations for your participation, or absence, as necessary

In-The-Moment, if you notice your stress elevating:

Excuse yourself from the interaction and change your environment by leaving that room or surrounding yourself with different people
- Find your accountability partner whose simple presence may help calm you
- Go for a walk or find fresh air outside
- Spend a few minutes in the bathroom using cold water to wash your hands or your face and sit down if you can
Do some subtle mindful breathing or grounding exercises
- 5 5 5 breathing or 2-4 breathing
- Count your breaths
- Take a drink of water or a bite to eat
- Hold an ice cube in your fist
- Notice what you can physically feel around you

After the Event, to prepare for next time:

Reflect on which stressors affected you and how it made you feel
Determine whether your response in the moment was helpful, harmful, or neutral
Create a plan for how you will respond in-the-moment next time you experience similar stress
Talk through your experience with a trained counselor or therapist

Healthy Routines: Nourishing Your Mind and Body
As schedules are constantly changing to accommodate for hurried errands and festive events, it is easy to get caught up in making sure you accomplish every task without considering your own needs first. This is especially exacerbated by the impact Daylight Savings has on the circadian rhythm our bodies are naturally used to following. Furthermore, being surrounded by others who seem like they are able to handle the stress of this time of year with grace and perfection can negatively impact how successfully you feel like you have managed your own responsibilities. Reference the below reminders to ensure you are supporting yourself before worrying about others during this hectic season.

Eat Well and Hydrate

Schedule meals into your day if you know you will overlook breakfast, lunch, or dinner
Carry snacks and water with you at all times
Respond to your body as it lets you know when it feels hungry or satisfied
Confer with a trained counselor or therapist if you know you struggle with disordered eating or substance use
- Large gatherings, especially during religious observances and Thanksgiving celebrations, are often focused on heavy food dishes and alcoholic beverages. These can be dangerous triggers for those who struggle with what and how much to put into their bodies. Prioritize what supports you need in order to be your healthiest in these situations, even if it means limiting your engagement or practicing exposure, as guided by your mental health professional.

Maintain Regular Routines & Rituals

Try your best to avoid adjusting your sleep patterns too often
Continue practicing self-care rituals, such as a skincare routine and hair styling, as you normally would
If you take any medications or supplements, set reminders if necessary to ensure you do not forget these!

Follow the below resources for more information and guidance on how to approach this holiday season with intention and mindfulness.

https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/mindfulness
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20047544
https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-and-managing-holiday-stress-3145230

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Understanding the Gifted Application Deadlines in Sarasota County for the 2023-2024 School Year By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

12/16/2022

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Positive Parenting By Jessica Custer, BA

12/2/2022

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Positive Parenting is a lifestyle that focuses on building a positive relationship with your child and setting firm limits with consistent consequences. Through nurturing, protecting, and guiding, you teach your children that they are important to you and that you believe in them. It is about meeting the physical, emotional, and psychological needs of children and providing effective, and expected consequences.

Make 1-on-1 Time a Priority

When starting on your Positive Parenting journey, the very first thing you should do is find time every day to spend focused one-on-one time with each of your kids. You can call this “Special Time”, or whatever label makes sense for your family. The important thing is to label this time, so your kids understand that they are going to get your full, undivided attention for a specified amount of time every day. It should be at least 10 minutes per day, and you should do an activity your child chooses.

Start small. Find just 10 minutes each day (per kid) and focus on engaging with them. It won’t take long for you to see the impact of this very small-time investment. Your kids will behave better and contribute more when they feel a sense of belonging.

This quality time is important for kids of all ages. Sometimes older kids will resist hanging out with their parents because it’s not cool. But find things they enjoy and be persistent. Eventually, you’ll find something that works. Kids will begin to look forward to this time with you and start planning their activities.
If you only implement one of these positive parenting techniques, make sure it’s this one. It’s so powerful that it can change your home’s dynamic.

Give Specific, Labeled Praise for Positive Behavior

Praising your child for their accomplishments and being specific about what you like will lead to higher self-confidence and more positive behavior. Giving general praises like, “Good job!” will not be as effective as, “Good job on getting your chores done on time”. An even better praise would be, “You really worked hard on your homework tonight and you must be so proud of yourself”. This will encourage your child to think about how their own accomplishments make them feel and will motivate them to more positive behavior.

Give Your Kids Power

Let your kids make choices regularly. Giving them the power to choose will give them a sense of belonging and significance. It will also make them feel like they are a valued member of the family. And letting kids dress themselves, choose between the red cup or the blue cup, or decide if they’ll eat spaghetti noodles or penne noodles for dinner will not impact their day at all, but will allow them to feel some control over their day.

Offer choices any time you feel you might experience a little pushback. For young kids, it can be to offer choices at bedtime. It sounds like this, “We need to sleep now, do you want the nightlight on or off? and do you want the door open, or closed?” By making a choice, your child is not only agreeing to the initial statement of ‘We need to sleep now, but also has some choice in the matter. It makes kids feel powerful, but bedtime is not an option. For an older child you might say that it is homework time, but would you rather do it at the kitchen table or in the living room? Or Would you prefer to have a snack before homework, or after homework?

Focus on Routines

Human beings, kids especially, thrive on routine. When you know what comes next there’s very little to think about or be anxious over. For kids, routines build trust and help develop strong relationships with caretakers. When all the basic routines are in place to take care of all their needs, they are free to focus on the ‘work’ of being children (which is learning through play). Develop routines for all the repetitive processes in your life. Start with bedtime, morning get-ready time, and mealtime. Once you have routines in place and follow them consistently, you’ll get much less pushback from your kids, and those key transition times will go smoothly and quickly.

Look Beyond the Misbehavior

The next time you experience mischievous behavior, stop to consider the cause of the behavior. Usually, behavior has a purpose. Ask yourself questions, did we miss our special time today? Could she be hungry? Did he not get enough sleep last night? Was there an unusual, stressful situation that popped up today? More times than not you will realize that there’s an outside factor that’s influencing the situation. When you’re able to recognize that your child is HAVING a hard time, and not just trying to GIVE you a hard time, it’s much easier to handle the situation with love, empathy, and grace. If the purpose of the behavior is attention-seeking, see below for the ignoring technique.

Get Plenty of Sleep

This doesn’t seem like much of a positive parenting skill, but it’s an important topic to cover. Sleep is a grossly under-recognized stressor for kids. There’s ample research indicating that children today are not getting enough sleep. Children must get the right amount of sleep to function and develop properly. You might notice that behavior, attitude, and focus improve drastically once your child is getting the right amount of sleep consistently. A nightly routine can be really helpful in helping kids be ready for sleep.

Implementing “Rest Time” or “Quiet Time” can help ensure young kids get enough rest. This is a 60 to the 90-minute period around mid-day where everyone gets a break. Kids can play quietly, read books, or ‘rest their eyes.

Spend Time Playing as Your Inner Child

Allow your inner child to come out when you’re engaging with your kids, especially during your one-on-one time. This means you might have to get messy with paint, play pretend with monster trucks, or make a mess in the kitchen to make chocolate sprinkle cupcakes. This is how you’ll build strong relationships and develop lasting memories with your kids.

Some parents resist this positive parenting tool because they hate to pretend play. Tea parties and superhero battles aren’t for every parent, but you can find an activity you both enjoy with a little exploration. Let your child be in charge and guide you. Try baking, coloring, or doing puzzles.

Are you still struggling with this one? You’re not alone. Many parents have a hard time finding their inner child. They just want your time, so don’t overthink it.

Use Your Calm Voice

Practice using your calm voice every single day. This is an essential positive parenting skill and it’s surprisingly difficult to master. Many of us have spent our entire lives raising our voices when our blood pressure starts to rise. Developing calming techniques, communicating your feelings and needs in a productive manner, and displaying emotional maturity is key to your success. Let your kids see you using calming techniques like deep breathing, counting, taking a break, and even doing yoga or meditation regularly. Your kids will emulate your behavior. And you will be rewarded with less yelling and more problem-solving from your kids.

Stop Playing Referee

Mediating arguments between your kids is exhausting, especially when you were not there when the conflict began. Stop participating as a referee or peacemaker for your kids. Share your decision with your kids ahead of time and inform them of the consequences should conflict occur.

A great positive parenting strategy is to put the kid ‘all in the same boat, meaning the consequence will apply to ALL parties. For example, if they cannot decide who gets to choose the TV show for their 30 minutes of screen time, then they don’t get screen time at all. It can be helpful to role-play some conflict resolution skills before implementing this ‘all in the same boat’ rule.

Create Effective Consequences

Consequences are a basic principle that kids need to learn. Through this positive parenting tool, you can create related consequences for behaviors you want to discourage, or you can let natural consequences occur and let kids learn lessons from life themselves. The key is that consequences need to be related to misbehavior. They should also be realistic, developmentally appropriate, and revealed in advance of the misbehavior. If you don’t follow these guidelines, the consequence will feel like an unfair punishment, and your little one probably won’t learn from it. It is also important to make your commands direct, and specific. Saying, “Please put away the blocks” will be much more effective than, “Will you please put away the blocks?”.

Here are a couple of examples of effective consequences:

If you do not do what I asked, you will sit in time out.(consistent and expected)
You may not throw your iPad. If you throw your iPad, we will put it away for the rest of the day. (Related Consequence)
I cannot pick you up from school today. If you forget your umbrella, you will probably have to walk home from school in the rain. (Natural Consequence)

Be sure to follow through every time consistently.

Require Contributions from Everyone

Chores are a huge battle for many families. Gather your family and discuss how each person can contribute to the family to achieve common goals. Kids should contribute to the family because they are part of the community. You can use chore charts at the beginning to help everyone remember and give small rewards to reinforce following through.
For example, in my family, we all contribute around mealtime. I often plan and cook the meals, the kids set the table and help with cleanup, and my husband washes dishes. Implement a routine to make these contributions just part of the way your family operates. There are plenty of ways even the littlest of kids can contribute. It will give your kids a huge hit of belonging and significance.

Tips for Success

Start Slow
First, don’t try to implement every Positive Parenting tool and strategy on day one. Start slow. Master one strategy before moving on to another. You’ve probably been parenting differently for months or years. Many positive parenting techniques require you to build new habits. Sustainable change happens over time. Don’t feel pressured to move quickly. Build your positive parenting skills at a pace that is manageable for you.

Recognize Positive Parenting as a Lifestyle
Positive Parenting is not a quick fix to discipline problems you’re currently struggling through. It’s a lifestyle, and it needs to be implemented over time. You won’t get the results you’re looking for if you don’t commit to a long-term lifestyle change.

It’s a Process for the Whole Family
Positive Parenting isn’t just a ‘kid’ strategy. It’s a lifestyle for the entire family. You’ll have to change some of your behaviors. It’s necessary for you to face some of your skill gaps. It requires patience, persistence, and sometimes perseverance.

Stick With It
Don’t throw in the towel without giving it a true chance. You will get out what you put in. Spend time understanding and implementing the tools. Make the effort to change your bad habits. If you push through the struggles, you’ll reap the rewards.

Handle Setbacks with Grace
Every family is different. Each child is unique. Some tools will work better for your family than others. Realize that your Positive Parenting solution will be unique to your family, and face setbacks with grace. When you make mistakes, own up to them, talk about them with your kids, and plan to do better next time. One of the great things about using positive parenting techniques is that they don’t require perfection to make an impact.

Ignore Small, Attention-Getting Misbehavior
When children do small, attention-getting behaviors, like whining, or interrupting, ignoring the behavior is your best strategy. This does not mean letting them get away with it, but actively ignoring, and giving no attention to the behavior and waiting until positive behavior resumes to give attention will reinforce the positive behavior. Be sure to praise the positive behavior as soon as it happens following a behavior you are ignoring. For example, if your child is interrupting, you can ignore the behavior completely, this is not easy- especially at first, and the interrupting may escalate at first, but if you continue to ignore (no eye contact, or responding verbally at all), then as soon as he backs off and starts doing something else, or maybe steps back to wait, you quickly praise the behavior, “Thank you so much for waiting until I was finished, I really like it when you wait your turn”. This will reinforce the positive behavior you are looking for and diminish the annoying behavior. Keep in mind ignoring won’t work if there is another gain that the child is getting from the behavior, like cheating on a game, or stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. Those behaviors will have to be addressed with consequences.

References
CDC. (2021, September 23). Child Development: Middle Childhood (9-11 years old) | CDC. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/middle2.html

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy - Official Site. (n.d.). PCIT - Official Home. Retrieved November 17, 2022, from https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com

Positive parenting. (n.d.). NSPCC Learning. Retrieved November 17, 2022, from https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/leaflets/positive-parenting/

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Supporting Your Teen Through The College Application Process By Izzy Devorkin, NCC, RMHCI

11/28/2022

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November is College Application Month, an exciting and highly stressful time. The college application process can be a chaotic time for the entire family, and there are many ways to support your teen during this time. It’s important to know what steps can be taken to help make this a positive and productive experience for your child.

Educate yourself

As your teen begins the college application process, it’s important that you have an understanding of how the process works. It may feel automatic to compare your child’s college process with your own, but it’s important to remember that the process is constantly changing and evolving, and each individual has their own unique experience. It’s a stressful time not only for your teen, but for you as well. Having a good sense of the process and how you can best support your teen is a key ingredient in relieving that stress.

Taking the time to do your own research is a great way to develop a solid understanding of the process and what to expect. Increasing your knowledge on what your teen is going through allows you to be more actively involved in the process. This article gives a straightforward breakdown of the application process.

Be involved

Involvement is crucial for helping your teen succeed with the college application process. Senior year of high school is a busy time, and having extra support can help decrease feelings of overwhelm. It may be tempting to do things for your teen, such as filling out parts of their applications, but it’s important that you serve as a guide along the way, offering assistance as needed. It may be helpful to have designated set times throughout the week where you and your teen work on all things college together. You want to offer the right amount of support without being overbearing.

Help create a pros and cons list

One of the hardest parts of the college application process is deciding which colleges to apply to. Helping your teen figure out what they want in a college and creating a pros and cons list may be a helpful visual in the decision making process. Categories may include size, location, and price. This also gives you as the parent an opportunity to be transparent on how much financial help, if any, you are able to provide. When deciding what colleges to apply to, it’s helpful to have your teen make a list of ‘safety schools’ that they know they will likely be accepted into, ‘target schools’ that your child fits the criteria for, but may be a bit more challenging to get into, and ‘reach schools’ which have high expectations and low acceptance rate (Gordon, 2021).

Offer to read/edit your teen’s college essay

Writing a college essay is daunting for many teens. It’s an opportunity to talk about themselves and their accomplishments which may be difficult for some students. Assisting your teen in what to include in their essay may be extremely beneficial. If your teen has already started their essay, offering to read it or help make necessary edits can be helpful.

Assist with creating a timeline for deadlines

Deadlines are important to follow when it comes to the college application process. To make sure things are getting done in a timely manner, and to lower household stress, working with your teen to make a timeline with deadlines is a necessary step for productivity. Putting the timeline where both you and your teen can see it will be a helpful daily reminder of what should be prioritized. Hanging the timeline on the fridge is a great visual and will decrease the temptation to constantly give reminders. It may be necessary to have a timeline for each college your child is applying to. Important deadlines may include college essays, letters of recommendation, due date of the college application, financial aid due dates, and scholarship due dates. Timelines can be personalized to the individual student and can be easily created using Excel.

Offer support with financial forms and scholarship resources

Financials are one of the most stressful parts of the college application process. Expenses tend to add up fast between college visits and college application fees. Transparency regarding financials is crucial, and it’s encouraged to have this discussion sooner rather than later. Be transparent with your child on how much financial help, if any, you are able to provide. Offer assistance in filling out financial aid forms and searching for scholarship opportunities. It’s important to create realistic financial expectations so everyone is on the same page and there are no last-minute surprises.

Have confidence in your teen

It's easy to forget how capable a teen is when stress levels are high for everyone in the family. As a parent, you want to see your child succeed. You may feel the need to give constant reminders and want to do things for your child, but it’s important to remember that your teen is capable and the college application process is a great opportunity for them to practice independence. As a parent, you won’t be with them at college making sure they attend every class and complete every assignment, so this is a perfect opportunity to practice having patience and confidence in your child. There are many aspects of the college application process where you can offer valuable help, but things such as requesting transcripts and asking for letters of recommendation will need to be done on their own. This is also why having a timeline as mentioned above is beneficial, your teen is still able to complete things independently, but you can assist them with a visual reminder.

Validate your teen’s feelings

In addition to stress, your teen is likely experiencing a whirlwind of emotions relating to the college application process. This is a great opportunity for you to engage in active listening. Active listening requires paying attention to what is being said, using eye contact and appropriate body language, and truly focusing on what the other person is saying rather than how you plan to respond. Many times your teen may just want you to listen and be present, and offer advice only when sought out. It’s important to validate the feelings of your child and help them understand that it’s typical to feel a roller coaster of emotions during the college application process, and you are here as a support.

It’s important to communicate with your child that it’s okay for them to not be accepted into every college they apply to. Teens already put enough pressure on themselves, the last thing they want is to feel like they disappointed their parents. Just as you would celebrate their acceptances with them, validate their disappointed feelings if they don’t get into a school they applied to.

Check-in yourself

It’s important to recognize that your teen is not the only one going through a large change. As a parent, you are also experiencing a lot of emotions relating to your child beginning the college application process. Although it’s an exciting and important time in your teen’s life, It’s okay to feel all the different emotions that arise. It’s crucial to check-in with yourself and your emotions and do what is necessary to take care of yourself. Find what helps you stay regulated and relaxed, whether it be taking a walk, stretching, deep breathing, or having alone time, it’s important to know what steps to take to keep you feeling your best.

Celebrate

Remember to celebrate your teen’s accomplishments! Whether it’s celebrating the smaller victories along the way, or having a celebration when your child receives acceptance letters, it’s important to recognize their hard work and all the effort that was put in along the way. Remember to pat yourself on the back too, helping a teen through the college application process is no easy task!

Resources:
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-support-your-teen-through-the-college-application-process-4801641

https://grownandflown.com/50-ways-parents-help-teen-with-college-admissions/

https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/college-application-process

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Play Therapy By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

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Positive Parenting By Jessica Custer, BA

Supporting Your Teen Through The College Application Process By Izzy Devorkin, NCC, RMHCI

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