Parent and Child Psychological Services of Sarasota

Connecting with Your Children By Katelyn Goll, MS, RMHCI

8/26/2024

Do you have a child with a different personality type? Does your child possess personality traits that are unfamiliar to you? If you answered yes to either of these questions, you likely wonder how you can genuinely strengthen your relationship with your child. This blog post offers strategies for new ways to connect with your children.

Get on Your Child’s Level:
Begin by engaging in play that is of particular interest to your child. For instance, some children absolutely love games that involve movement. These games could include Marco Polo or tag. Not only do they target draining your child’s energy level, but they will positively influence your child’s mood and attitude. It might not be your favorite game, but the giggles you hear as they dart around you are genuine.
Perhaps your child would rather engage in artistic activities. Dedicating time to making friendship bracelets, painting pottery, or making creations out of wiki sticks would be awesome activities for these children. Maybe your child loves to read. Picking up a new or favorite novel and reading it together would be incredible to this child. No matter what your child’s interest is, when you get on their level to play, you will notice a deeper connection, all thanks to your positive interactions with them.

Channel Your Inner Child:
Shifting your adult mindset to a child-like one, which will more closely resemble your child’s mindset, will also help you connect with your child. Obviously, it is not feasible to participate in this mindset 24/7, but finding time to act, play, and think like a child will greatly impact your parent-child relationship. Why is playing with your child important? Whether we realize it or not, we constantly communicate with our children, and we tend to think of communication as verbal. However, communication occurs non-verbally, too, and can be communicated through facial expressions, behaviors, and actions. Thus, playing with your child communicates to them that they are special and important. It also communicates that you genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

Slow Down:
In our society, life tends to get hectic. To adults, time flies! However, children conceptualize time very differently than adults. Children process and absorb a plethora of new information each and every day. Their little brains are essentially working overtime to process and ultimately make sense of their environment each day. For example, have you ever walked your child into school and they suddenly notice something? The object might be something like an insect or a small rock. To you, that object is unimportant, but to your child, it serves as a learning opportunity to grow their ever-growing world. Slowing down to offer your child an extra few moments of your time and attention will help you connect in those little moments.
While this is not an exhaustive list of ways you could potentially connect with your child, it serves as a start. If you are overwhelmed with where to begin, a short list of areas to target will likely lead to greater success. My recommendation is to start small and work your way up. Perhaps this list is too much for you to consider. Choose one to work on first. For example, dedicate time to participate in activities that your child deeply enjoys. Once you feel more confident, channel your inner child to play like a kid again. It’s worth it!

Resources:
https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/connect-with-your-child

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New Years Gratitude By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

12/29/2023

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Many of us have New Year’s resolutions with big ideas. Having hopes and goals is wonderful! Sometimes those resolutions are hard to maintain throughout the year because they can be a big leap. Go for those big ones, but it can also be a good idea to include a surefire manageable one such as practicing gratitude daily.

One of the simplest ways to improve mood, reduce anxiety and improve your overall well being is to engage in gratitude practice.

As humans, we are programmed to think negatively. Negative is our “autopilot” mode. This causes us to have very strong ‘negativity muscles’ in our brains. As we make this muscle stronger, it will get used more, simply by default. If we want to ever default to a positivity muscle (which would feel WAY better), we need to intentionally exercise that positivity muscle.

The benefits of building that positivity muscle include improved relationships and self-esteem, improved decision making, strengthened immune system, improved sleep patterns and finding more joy and pleasure in everyday activities.

How can you practice gratitude?

Everyday, say three things you are grateful for. You can do this when you wake up in the morning, before you fall asleep at night, or just in moments of stress or anxiety.

Keep a gratitude journal. Writing in it even for 5 minutes a day can be beneficial.

Try a guided gratitude meditation.

Share your gratitude with others. Instead of simply saying, “thank you” when someone helps you, be specific and tell them exactly what you are thankful for and why. You both will benefit!

Use the 3:1 ratio. For every one negative thought you have (about yourself, others or life in general), stop and intentionally think of three positive things. This will help redirect your thought patterns and do wonders for that positivity muscle!

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The H.A.L.T. Method By Izzy Dverokin, NCC, RMHCI

12/8/2023

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When your child has a tantrum or meltdown, it’s difficult for both of you. Your natural instinct is to solve the problem head on and do everything in your power to stop the tantrum. What we often forget is that many times the cause of a tantrum is an underlying need that is not being met, rather than a problem that needs to be solved. The HALT method was proposed by the doctors Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book, No Drama Discipline. HALT was created as an acronym to help parents to ask themselves amidst a tantrum; Is my child hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? These questions seem simple, however they have a significant impact on increasing self-awareness. Helping your child understand the importance of addressing these needs may also assist in preventing additional meltdowns in the future.

Hunger
Sometimes it’s important to go back to the basics. It’s so easy to forget how significant eating enough food, having enough water, and getting enough exercise are for our mental health. Being hungry is a recipe for dysregulation, no matter what age you are. Helping your child identify hunger cues at a young age is a beneficial tool in increasing their self-awareness.

Having planned snack breaks, giving your child easy access to nutritious snacks, keeping snacks in the car and periodically checking in with your child to see if they are hungry are all ways to integrate making sure your child is getting enough to eat to stay fulfilled, energized, and regulated. When a child's blood sugar drops and a hangry attitude is on the rise, reasoning and negotiation are ineffective.

Anger
If your child is angry, the first priority should be to help them regulate their emotions. You know your child best, do they need extra affection and for you to sit close to them? Words of affirmation? Or do they need space and alone time to cool off? Coping tools can also be helpful such as counting backwards from ten, taking deep breaths, or moving their body in a safe way to blow off some steam.

Although we don't want to shield our children from feeling large emotions, it can be helpful to set expectations ahead of time, specifically for a situation that may typically push your child’s buttons. For example, before playing a game that your child dislikes losing, saying something such as “I know you’re excited to play ___ and sometimes losing can make you feel angry. It’s okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit your brother.” Let your child know it is okay to be angry, but not all reactions (such as hitting) are okay.

Loneliness
Loneliness can be trickier to recognize than anger and hunger. When a child is feeling a lack of connection, they may act out in negative, attention seeking ways. Sometimes when a child is acting out, what they really need is connection. It’s important to be intentional with the time you spend with your child, through planning set times to spend together, and engaging in activities you genuinely enjoy doing together. Being intentional with the time you spend with your child decreases the likelihood they will act out due to feeling a lack of connection and attention.

Tiredness
There is a lot of truth to the common saying “they’re just overtired!” We ALL need sleep, regardless of our age. It’s crucial to make sure your child is getting enough sleep. Often kids are tired from a lack of good sleep, but busy, overstimulating days also make children tired. There are many things besides sleep that can help a child feel relaxed and rejuvenated. If it’s too early for bedtime, take some time to read a book with your child, listen to calm music, or do some fun stretching!

Oftentimes, you will find yourself answering ‘yes’ to at least one of these questions. It’s important to understand that it’s impossible to control every situation. Rather than identifying how you can be in more control, focus on what you can do to be more proactive in helping your child identify their needs. As a parent, following the HALT method can be helpful in handling your own emotions amidst your child’s tantrums, and to help you figure out what you need in that moment to regulate as well. Utilizing the HALT method to take care of your own needs is a great way to model self awareness.

Resources:

https://cfctb.org/news/parental-resilience-how-to-cope-with-h-a-l-t/
https://www.theartofsimple.net/applying-the-halt-method-a-checklist-for-proactive-parenting/
https://www.imom.com/why-you-need-to-teach-your-kids-to-h-a-l-t/
https://www.image.ie/editorial/this-simple-acronym-has-the-power-to-defuse-tricky-parenting-situations-432131

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Helping Children and Teens Develop a Healthy Body Image By Jessica Custer, M.A.

11/30/2023

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The development of a healthy body image and self esteem begins in childhood as children learn to appreciate what their bodies can do and how to keep bodies healthy. The National Eating Disorders Association reports that by the age of 6 years old children are beginning to express negative feelings about their bodies, and 40 to 60 % of elementary age girls (6-12) are concerned about weight and getting fat. That is a concerning amount of young girls that are already feeling the pressure to fit a certain ideal body image and it is important for parents to start early in helping children develop a healthy body image and continue the conversation into the teen years when risks can increase. It is not only girls who are concerned with their bodies either. Often boys have poor body image linked to their ideal view of a muscular, lean build. A poor body image can put kids at risk for developing eating disorders as well as anxiety and depression. Parents can help their children avoid developing a negative body image and the pressures of trying to achieve an unrealistic ideal in many different ways.

The first step is to be aware of your own feelings about your body and how you may express that around your children. Children are very aware of parents who criticize themselves for weight gain or are spending a lot of time dieting and focusing on weight control. Being conscious of how we talk about ourselves and the messages we are sending to our children through our own behavior can have a big impact on how their own feelings develop about their body. Having conversations that focus on how amazing our bodies are and celebrating what they can do is more beneficial than finding areas to criticize or be self conscious about.

Children of mothers who are overly concerned about their weight are at risk for adopting their unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. Encouraging a child to diet or children overhearing parents speaking about their own diet is linked to the development of both eating disorders and being overweight as a child. Instead, shifting the focus to enjoying a variety of healthy foods and eating the rainbow is a better way to teach healthy habits. Make mealtime a fun time and encourage your children to help you prepare meals and try new things. It is also important to avoid labeling foods or food groups as good or bad. We can teach children and teens to fuel their bodies in a balanced way, and allow them to enjoy treats as well. It is important to teach children what benefits certain foods provide to their bodies and connect that to balanced meal planning. Including regular body movement also encourages healthy connection to our bodies and what they can do. Making time to move as a family can promote lifelong healthy habits that do not have to be connected to weight or weight loss.

Another area of concern is the influences that kids and teens are exposed to through social media, television or movies, and advertising. A 2015 Common Sense Media Survey found that many teens who are active on social media fear how others view them, and girls are particularly vulnerable. 35% of girls are worried about people tagging them in unattractive photos, 27% feel stressed about how they look in posted photos, 22% felt bad about themselves if their photos were ignored. Social media use is a great concern for kids and teens for many reasons and research is developing to help guide parents in how to manage it appropriately. The Surgeon General recently released a health advisory addressing social media use as an urgent public health issue. According to the Department of Health and Human Services, social media use among young people is nearly universal, as up to 95% of youth aged 13 to 17 years reported using a social media platform. This report acknowledges some potential benefits for teens in developing and maintaining social relationships, but awareness has to be made of the dangers as well. The advisory warns, “According to statistics provided in the Surgeon General’s advisory, 46% of adolescents aged 13 to 17 years said social media makes them feel worse about their body image.” Monitoring young children on social media is very important to ensure that what they are viewing is developmentally appropriate and promoting a positive view of body image and as kids develop into teens, an open dialogue with teens about how they manage their own social media and exposure will be beneficial to teaching healthy habits.

It can be overwhelming to think about how to help kids with their body image development. There are so many influences outside of parents control and the culture we live in influences our children. Parents can invite their children to be activists with them in changing the public perception of the ideal appearance by talking positively about different body types and noticing more than a person’s appearance. Remembering to model healthy body image and celebrate different body types with children goes a long way toward fostering a healthy body image in kids. Even body neutrality can be beneficial to model when positivity is challenging. Parents can send the message to their children that they are special, unique, and loved just as they are every day and that will contribute to how they feel about themselves. That makes a big difference. If you notice your child or teen is overly focused on their body or appearance and is struggling with confidence in this area, it is important to get them professional help sooner rather than later. The prevention of eating disorders and body image issues is much easier to tackle than treatment for a full blown disorder.

If your teen daughter is struggling with body image concerns, we are starting a new group for teen girls called The Body Project that is starting January 10, 2024. The Body Project is a weekly, evidence based group led by myself, Jessica Custer, M.A., and Katelyn Goll, BS, to help teen girls address body dissatisfaction and the prevention of the development of an eating disorder. There will be 6 weekly, in person sessions, at 4pm on Wednesdays. One parent session and one individual session are required prior to the group starting. Contact us for more information, (941) 357-4090, or email [email protected].

References
“Body Image.” National Eating Disorders Association, 2022, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/body-image-0.
“Fostering Body Positivity in Children.” National Eating Disorders Association, 11 Apr. 2017, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/fostering-body-positivity-in-young-children.
“The Body Project.” National Eating Disorders Association, 9 Mar. 2020, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-involved/the-body-project.
Fitch, Joshua. Surgeon General Issues Advisory Regarding Effects Social Media Has on Youths’ Mental Health. 24 Mar. 2023, https://www.contemporarypediatrics.com/view/surgeon-general-issues-advisory-regarding-effects-social-media-has-on-youths-mental-health.
Parenting, Media, and Everything in Between | Common Sense Media. http://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/social-media. Accessed 8 June 2023.

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Managing Your Child’s Behaviors During the Holidays By Megan Millikan-Pethtel, PsyD, Postdoctoral Fellow

11/22/2023

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Although the holiday season can be a time of year filled with lots of fun and excitement, it can also be a time of year filled with stress and business. Between holiday gatherings, school functions and performances, winter break, and other various activities, this can create a unique set of challenges that can leave parents feeling overwhelmed. Changes in routine during the holidays can also be difficult for children. Some children might even struggle with time away from school and becoming bored at home. Thus, it’s no surprise that both parents and children can find themselves in both exciting and yet challenging times around the holidays. Oftentimes for children, this might result in an increase in problematic behaviors. Although we might not be able to prevent all of these behaviors altogether, there may be ways to help parents feel more confident in managing these behaviors through the holiday season.

So what can we do to try to make this time of year as manageable as possible with children? I’m glad you asked! Below are some helpful tips and ideas of ways to navigate this holiday season with your little ones. While every strategy might not work for every family, I encourage you to consider which of these may work well in your current family unit and daily routine.

Manage Your Expectations. Recognize that this can be a challenging time of year for children and their behaviors. Thus, maybe little Johnny finds himself getting into a few more arguments with his sister Susie than normal. That’s okay. That’s where our next tip, staying calm, can come in handy. Lean on all the parenting skills you already know and stay firm with those techniques. And just remember that your child isn’t purposely acting out, but maybe they too feel some of the stress or excitement of the holiday season that even us adults feel. We don’t expect your children to be on their best behavior this time of year. Sometimes just setting your expectations accordingly can do a great deal for helping you manage your own well-being.

Stay Calm. When your child does start to misbehave, remind yourself that it’s okay. Take a few deep breaths and use your own coping skills. Then approach the situation in as calm a way as possible with a neutral tone. By keeping your own composure, you can model that appropriate behavior to your child and possibly help them regulate some! By validating their emotions their behaviors are likely expressing, you may be able to help to de-escalate the situation and model emotion naming skills (e.g., “I know you’re upset because you want to go home and play with your new toys you just got, and it’s hard being patient, but we’ll be home later today and you’ll have lots of time with your new toys”).

Keep to a Routine as Much as Possible. Even though your routine this time of year might look different, especially if you have children home for school for winter break, keeping as much of a routine as possible may be beneficial. If you can stick to some small routines (e.g., bedtime and nighttime routines, wake up time, meal times, etc.), this provides some consistency for children to lean on. You could even involve your children in creating these routines to help them feel like more active participants in the creation of these routines, which can then help with active engagement! Adding breaks and fun activities into routines also gives children something to look forward to and hopefully promotes positive behaviors rather than negative behaviors.

Offer Choices. When possible, consider offering your child choices in what activities you do. Maybe they can’t determine whether or not they go to some specific events, but maybe they can help to pick out which holiday movie you watch one evening. If you’re out running errands together, maybe they can even help by selecting which store you go to first. Just remember that whenever you offer a child choices, you have to be okay with whatever option they select. These options may help them to feel more involved and more control, and ultimately may be helpful in reducing the number of problematic behaviors.

Provide Rewards. Like we’ve said multiple times now, behaving during the holiday season may be difficult for children. So when they are behaving, give them lots of reinforcement for those behaviors! Praise them for being helpful, flexible, patient, and all the things you want to see from them during this time of year. Praising these behaviors can help to increase these behaviors in the future. Additionally, setting up reward systems can be a great preventative tool to help set children up for success. These reward systems can motivate children to engage in more positive behaviors from the beginning, which should help to decrease problematic behaviors before they even occur.

Prepare for the Transition Back to School. After a long winter break, after the excitement of the holidays has slowed, the transition back to school can be a particularly tough one. However, a little preparation work can go a long way. Begin preparing your child for transitioning back to school a few days in advance by talking to them about going back to school. Promote coping skills if your child has any emotional reactions to this idea, and use your own coping skills for yourself as well! Planning some fun activities during the first week back may function as extra motivators for the child. Perhaps you pack them their favorite lunch or prepare their favorite dinner meals that week, or maybe you have a special activity planned for that weekend following their first week of school. These can all be great ways to motivate your child and help to give them something fun to look forward to.

Have Fun! Finally, have fun with your children during this time of year. Get creative and enjoy the extra time you might have with your children! Perhaps this includes extra holiday themed activities together, making delicious snacks together, baking sweet treats, or sharing in some of your favorite holiday traditions. Or maybe it means doing other fun things and starting new traditions. Whatever the activity is, genuine quality time together between parents and children can be an excellent way to further connect and build memories together. These positive experiences can then help to motivate children to want to behave for their parents in the first place.

Although navigating the holidays with children can be stressful, it can also be extremely rewarding. By using some of these ideas discussed, hopefully you can have a fun filled holiday season with minimal challenging behaviors!

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Parenting Doesn’t Stop Past Childhood, Part 2: Raising Young Adults By Krista Morgan, BS

11/17/2023

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In my last blog, Raising Teens, we focused on some important aspects of parenting teenagers as they mature out of childhood and begin to approach adulthood. By encouraging a sense of autonomy, establishing new boundaries, and engaging in constructive conflict resolution, parents are setting their teens up for success as they begin to develop an adult life for themselves outside of their childhood home. That being said, a parent’s work is never done! Here are some important tips for how you can continue to parent your child beyond high school, while respecting their new adult identity.

Support steps towards daily autonomy.
The transition from high school graduation to beyond can be very intimidating for many reasons. For the past 12+ years, your child likely has become accustomed to the daily routines of grade school, an allowance of spending money, the presence of consistent friends/family, and the expectation for daily needs being met for them. Once on their own, your child will quickly learn how much they may have previously taken for granted– and that’s ok! Experiencing the loss of expectations they didn’t realize they had is important so they know what they now need to provide for themselves. As a parent, it can be very helpful to foresee some of these changes and help set them up for a smoother transition to a life outside of your home. This can look like helping your child set up independent checking/savings/credit accounts, providing financial education for smart decision making, involve your child in processes like monthly bill payments and managing healthcare needs, and keying them in on the systems you have been maintaining so when it comes time for them to takeover they are aware of what responsibilities they will be taking on. Just be mindful that this should be a transition of responsibility versus a dumping of expectations. Another way parents can encourage daily autonomy includes modeling or enacting examples for organization and schedule-tracking.

Normalize mistakes and encourage course-correction.
As your teenager enters adulthood, this new level of independence will lead to risky behaviors, miscalculated risks, and misinformed decision-making. Bottom line: your kid will mess up! It is important to not only expect for your child to make real-life mistakes, but understand how important learning from these mistakes can be as well as the impact your response to these situations can have on how closely your child trusts you to be there when trouble arises. It is important to respect the decisions your child makes and to be there for them regardless of the outcome. Be sure to manage your own emotions first, and remember there are many different ways you can be there in times of stress for your child: listen to their problems, validate their experience, take their perspective as new adults, collaborate for a solution. This can be most stressful when it comes to money, but just remember that even if you aren’t able to support a financial bailout you can still support a plan for budgeting and repayment to resolve the issue and prevent it from happening again– this can even be more helpful for your child to learn how to avoid these problems in the future and feel confident not having to depend on others to solve their problems for them!

Commit to regular engagement, even if it is not reciprocated.
As your now-adults are starting a new chapter of their lives, things can become very busy! They are so used to their friends and family constantly being around that they may forget to call, text, or email. But don’t mistake their lack of contact to mean they don’t need you— in fact, they probably need you now more than they even realize. Be the one to reach out, but don’t take offense if your messages aren’t returned. It’s important your child knows that even when then are busy juggling their new responsibilities, you are still available and committed to staying present in their life from afar. One way to keep showing up with encouragement when your child needs it is to keep a copy of their work/class schedule so you can check in with purpose— wish them luck on a big test, offer some sweet words of advice before a job interview, or offer relief with a weekend back home after a busy week of commitments. You can check in by sending care packages or small gifts that will be useful to them and show your child you’re still supporting them in little ways. Providing their favorite snacks, gas money, and gift cards to their favorite restaurants are perfect examples of treats that will brighten their day!

Parenting Resources:

https://www.sutterhealth.org/health/young-adults/relationships-social-skills/parenting-a-young-adult

https://www.bankrate.com/banking/checking/financial-literacy-young-adults/

https://theparentcue.org/what-to-do-when-your-adult-child-is-messing-up/

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/family/how-to-stop-enabling-grown-children-and-why-its-important/

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The Overlap Between Trauma and ADHD Symptoms by Megan Millikan-Pethtel, Psy.D., Postdoctoral Fellow

10/27/2023

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I often hear parents raise concerns about their child’s ability to pay attention at school or maintain concentration on a task at home. Naturally, this causes concern and often results in parents questioning if their child has attention deficits commonly associated with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD. The reality is, this can be a difficult question to answer, especially with children who have experienced some sort of traumatic event in their lifetime. When it comes to symptoms of trauma and symptoms of ADHD, there can be a lot of overlap.

First, let’s break down what child traumatic stress is. This happens when children experience or witness some sort of traumatic event, such as serious injuries or serious automobile accidents, life-threatening disasters, violent acts against them, neglect or abandonment, the unexpected death of a loved one, and/or physical or sexual abuse. These experiences impact children’s brains, minds, and even behaviors. Children who experience childhood traumatic stress often develop symptoms that linger and impact their daily living even long after the traumatic event ends.

Children who experience trauma commonly experience a range of trauma symptoms, like feelings of fear or helplessness, feeling on edge, avoidance of reminders of the trauma, irritability, feelings of guilt or shame, out of body experiences, and/or reckless or aggressive behaviors.

Now, let’s break down what ADHD is. ADHD is commonly known as a neurobiological disorder that first begins in childhood. It impacts the brain areas in charge of controlling attention and behavior. Children with ADHD typically appear inattentive, impulsive, and/or hyperactive.

Children with ADHD often experience symptoms of their own, like trouble staying concentrated, trouble following directions, difficulty with organization, appearing fidgety, difficulty waiting or taking turns, excessive talking, interrupting others, and/or losing necessary things.

While ADHD and trauma appear to be two totally separate experiences, they actually have a lot of symptoms that overlap one another. Children who have experienced trauma, as well as children with ADHD both commonly experience trouble concentrating and learning at school, may be easily distracted, appear to have trouble with listening, may be disorganized, have trouble sleeping, and/or may appear hyperactive or restless. Both ADHD and child traumatic stress also commonly co-occur with other mental health conditions, like anxiety, depression, or learning disabilities.

With so much overlap, this commonly causes a lot of questions about what the child might be experiencing and thus the appropriate treatment plan. Traumatic experiences in childhood can have such a big impact on development that these children often have problems in many areas of their lives after the traumatic event. Their symptoms may be complex, and given the overlap of symptoms, this often leads to multiple diagnoses or even potential misdiagnoses. This is why an in depth assessment and acknowledging the significant impact childhood trauma can have is so important. By identifying the correct problem a child is experiencing, this allows for proper treatment planning to best support the child and their family. After all, kids are extremely resilient and early intervention can make a tremendous difference!

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Recognizing Bullying and Ways to Help Children By Katelyn Goll, B.S., Mental Health Counseling Graduate Student

10/20/2023

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October is Bullying Awareness Month, and it is important to remember that although this is the time of year that we refresh our memories on warning signs for bullying and how to help children work through it, bullying is a year-round issue. Thus, although this post is meant for Bullying Awareness Month, it is a great resource for any month. This blog post will cover a description of what bullying is and what it can entail, warning signs for bullying, the consequences of bullying, and tips for helping children.

What is Bullying:
There are multiple forms of bullying, but for the purposes of this blog, we will focus on the four types that are most likely to impact children. According to the American Psychological Association, bullying is defined as any form of aggressive behavior that purposefully and repeatedly causes injury or discomfort to another person. Bullying does not only present as physical; it can also manifest through words or subtle actions. Types of bullying include verbal, physical, relational, and cyberbullying.

Verbal bullying often entails cruel words, name-calling, threatening, or making disrespectful comments about another person.

Physical bullying often involves physical aggression, including kicking, tripping, blocking, pushing, touching in inappropriate ways, and intimidation.

Relational bullying is when someone actively engages in exclusion tactics to keep another person from joining the activity, conversation, or group. This type of bullying often occurs at the lunch table, during games or sports, or social gatherings.

Cyberbullying, slightly different from typical bullying, is defined as verbal threatening or harassment performed using some type of technology, such as a cell phone, email, social media, texting, or direct messaging. This type of bullying can and often does include one or many individuals spreading lies or rumors about someone else on various platforms, including social media. It is important to note that those who commit cyberbullying against children are sometimes adults.

Warning signs:
Being aware of the warning signs indicating that a child is being bullied or may be at risk of being bullied is vital. For signs of verbal and relational bullying, children might become withdrawn in specific settings, such as peer activities, or in general. The child might show this by appearing to be alone more than usual. They may also exhibit more moodiness than is typical for the child. It could even impact your child’s appetite. Girls are more likely to experience relational bullying, yet that is not to say it does not impact boys. Warning signs for physical bullying are a little different. They include unexplained marks on the body, including cuts, scratches, or bruises. You might also notice damaged or missing clothing items. Symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches are also typical warning signs for kids experiencing physical bullying. Finally, cyberbullying warning signs include things like sleep disturbance, wanting to stay home from school or other activities, or withdrawing from activities or hobbies they once cherished. Another good indication of bullying is a child spending more time on social media or texting but appearing anxious afterward.

How to Help:
After reading about the various types of bullying and the warning signs for recognizing a child might be bullied, you are likely wondering how you can help. Teaching your children about respect and modeling appropriate behavior is an excellent first step in reinforcing how your child ought to treat all with kindness. This can be done by thanking fast-food workers, being kind to grocery store employees, or smiling at your barista in the morning. Also, teaching your child about self-respect will raise their motivation and confidence. Teaching your child to identify their own strengths is also a strong way to help them build confidence and an overall appreciation for themselves. Teach your child to speak up for others and ask for help for themself or peers. Don’t be afraid to take action if necessary. Keeping open and ongoing communication with school counselors, teachers, and other administrators is highly recommended. Lastly, get comfortable with setting boundaries for internet, social media, and cell phone use. Teach your child to never respond to cyberbullying; let them know to instead tell and show you so you can document it for reporting purposes. Ultimately, the most important way to help your child is to show them that you and many others love and care deeply for them.

Resources:
https://www.parents.com/kids/problems/bullying/common-types-of-bullying/
https://www.apa.org/topics/bullying

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Parenting Styles By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

9/8/2023

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I will often have one parent come in and say their co-parent complains about their parenting style or vice versa. So, what is the “best” parenting style?

Let’s review the different styles to begin:

Authoritarian Parenting: Parents of this style tend to have a one-way mode of communication where the parent establishes the rules and the child must obey. There is little to no room for negotiation or explanation. Mistakes by the child lead to punishment. Children that grow up with authoritarian parents will usually be the most well-behaved because they are afraid of the consequences. This style may also result in children who have higher levels of aggression, shyness, social ineptitude and unable to make their own decisions. This style of parenting often leads to rebellion as the child grows older.

Authoritative Parenting: Parents of this style develop close, nurturing relationships with their children. They have established clear guidelines and explain their reasons for their choices. There is frequent and appropriate communication between the parent and child. This style tends to result in children who are confident, responsible and able to self-regulate. Since these parents encourage independence, these children learn that they are capable of accomplishing their goals leading to higher self-esteem, higher academic achievement and functioning independently.

(Tip for remembering which is which: Authoritarian parents “tear into you” and Authoritative parents are “tater tots” (crispy on the outside and soft on the inside).

Permissive Parenting: Permissive parents tend to be warm, nurturing and usually have minimal expectations. They impose very few rules. Communication is open and parents allow children to figure things out for themselves. Parents are more often “friends” than parents. The limited rules can result in unhealthy eating habits leading to increased risk of obesity and other health problems. Freedom for the child to choose bedtime and homework completion also comes with risks. Children of permissive parents usually have decent self-esteem and social skills but may be impulsive, demanding, selfish and lack self-regulation.

We know that Authoritative parenting often leads to the most mentally healthy children and parent-child relationships. Consistency and stability are also key to leading to the mental wellness of children.

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Developming EMOTIONAL REGULATION in Children By Jessica Custer, Mental Health Counseling Graduate Student Intern

7/8/2023

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The development of social and emotional regulation is an important part of overall healthy child development. Healthy self-regulation skills affect many areas of a child’s life including social, academic, and behavioral. This development is a process that takes place over time and learning self-regulation begins very early. There is a genetic or temperament component to how a child learns to self-regulate, and often infants who are difficult to soothe may have more trouble in this area. There is also an environmental element that affects the development of children’s emotional intelligence and parenting practices can be a crucial part of healthy self-regulation development. The child’s brain is wired to develop these skills through interaction with caregivers starting at a very early age. When infants interact with their attachment figures, who respond to the infant’s needs in a warm and soothing way, the infant’s brain is developing the ability and capacity to regulate emotions and develop the skills for self-regulation. It is through parental soothing and calming that the infant begins to learn how to regulate stressful emotions later in life. So, the ability to regulate emotions begins very early and continues throughout childhood. As children get older, parents who give in to tantrums, or are overly responsive in soothing, may inhibit the child’s ability to learn self-regulating skills of their own. There are many ways that parents and caregivers can support their child’s development of emotional and self-regulation.

Defining Self-Regulation
   Self-regulation or emotional regulation is the skill of managing emotions and behaviors in different situations. It includes self-calming in distressing situations, being flexible to adapt to changes and transitions, and frustration tolerance when situations are difficult. Children develop these skills gradually over time and learn to control their own behavior, even during difficult situations and emotions. When a child has difficulty self-regulating, they may have tantrums and behavioral outbursts that result in meltdown situations. They may have trouble transitioning from one activity to another, or with being told that they have to be done with an activity they are doing. This can be difficult for parents to know how to handle and can lead to difficulty with social interactions and in going to school. Kids need to learn to identify and understand their emotions and then find better, more effective ways to cope with them.

What Parents Can Do
   Parent modeling is the most important factor in teaching self-regulation skills to children. By staying calm when the child is emotional, rather than getting upset and angry, the child learns by observing the calm parent how to self-regulate. This is difficult to do, but learning how to keep yourself calm during the child’s difficult emotions will have a big payoff in them learning the skills themselves. Taking deep breaths, counting, or walking away to collect yourself before responding are all helpful ways to stay calm, but find what works best for you. How parents react to their child’s difficult emotions ultimately has a large impact on how they learn to manage their emotions.

   Parents can also view self-regulation as a skill that needs to be taught. When parents realize that children need to learn these skills and that parents are the key to teaching them, the focus is taken off the child’s “bad behavior” and placed on the skills that need to be learned for growth and development. Parents can start by naming the emotions that they and their children are having and talking openly about those emotions. When a child is having a tantrum is not a good teaching moment, but having a discussion when the child is calm will be a good time to talk about it. Often people don’t talk openly about feelings and emotions, and many people are uncomfortable with being so open about the subject, but if parents can push through their own discomfort and model healthy open discussion of emotions, that is a great first step to learning to regulate those emotions. Once the discussion about emotions is open, parents can coach their children on how to cope with those emotions appropriately. The scaffolding process is where a caregiver gives more support at the beginning of a new learning experience and then slowly removes the level of support given until the child can handle it without help. When parents see their child getting frustrated or upset, start by naming the emotion, and validating that it is a normal emotion to have, and then give options for the child to consider in how to cope. Role-playing situations that are difficult for the child can be helpful, but make sure to do this when the child is calm and happy, not in the middle of an emotional meltdown. If a school-aged child is getting frustrated with math homework, a parent may suggest using a timer and taking breaks every so often, or maybe that the child get a drink of water or a snack and then come back to the homework when feeling calmer. Giving positive feedback and praise for making positive choices and validating difficult emotions will go a long way in helping your child be able to grow and develop these important skills.

   Finally, managing your own expectations as a parent is often important. Perfection is never the goal. We will never be perfect parents and our children will never behave perfectly in every situation. The goal should be that your child views you as a safe and supportive person to talk to about difficult emotions. Emotional development is a process that spans throughout childhood. All children are unique and will develop skills at their own pace and ability level. Children under the age of 3 cannot be expected to exhibit high effortful control, and a child with ADHD will have more difficulty with emotional regulation due to deficits in the prefrontal cortex. It is important to be aware of your child’s ability level and set expectations that are realistic. Being mindful of your modeling and having open discussions about emotions will lead to a closer relationship with your child and healthy emotional development.

References

Li, P. (2016, December 27). Emotional Regulation in Children | A Complete Guide. Parenting For Brain. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/self-regulation-toddler-temper-tantrums/

Posner, M., & Rothbart, M. (2002). Developing Mechanisms of Self-Regulation (pp. 21–42). https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203449523-2

Rouse, M. (2023). How Can We Help Kids With Emotional Self-Regulation? ChildmindInstitute.Org. https://childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/

Weir, K. (2023). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. Https://Www.Apa.Org. https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation

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Connecting with Your Children By Katelyn Goll, MS, RMHCI

New Years Gratitude By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

The H.A.L.T. Method By Izzy Dverokin, NCC, RMHCI

Helping Children and Teens Develop a Healthy Body Image By Jessica Custer, M.A.

Managing Your Child’s Behaviors During the Holidays By Megan Millikan-Pethtel, PsyD, Postdoctoral Fellow

Parenting Doesn’t Stop Past Childhood, Part 2: Raising Young Adults By Krista Morgan, BS

The Overlap Between Trauma and ADHD Symptoms by Megan Millikan-Pethtel, Psy.D., Postdoctoral Fellow

Recognizing Bullying and Ways to Help Children By Katelyn Goll, B.S., Mental Health Counseling Graduate Student

Parenting Styles By Tara Motzenbecker, NCSP, LMHC

Developming EMOTIONAL REGULATION in Children By Jessica Custer, Mental Health Counseling Graduate Student Intern

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