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Mind Over Matter: Moving from Anxious to Confident Parenting By Kate Gibson, PsyD, ABPP

9/9/2021

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Many parents and caregivers we work with are already walking on eggshells around their children, whether their children are struggling with anxiety or behavior problems. When kids are having behavior problems parents are trying as hard as they can to not set off those outbursts. And when kids are anxious, parents are trying as hard as they can to keep their kids safe from those uncomfortable feelings of fear and worry. This is all completely understandable. Unfortunately, that adult anxiety often feeds into the challenges the kids are facing. When we want our kids to regulate their emotions better, whether that is fear or anger or any variety of emotions, the first emotion we need to regulate is our own. When children with behavior problems pick up on their parent’s anxiety they are more likely to keep challenging their parents. Anxious kids who pick up on their parent’s anxiety are more likely to think that there really is a reason to be so scared and worried. Luckily, there is a ton you can do as a parent or caregiver to regulate your own anxiety! Strategies involving both our mind and our body are important for gaining a calm equilibrium to allow us to go into parenting with more confidence. 
 
Before you begin supporting your worried child through an anxious moment or trying to set a limit with your defiant little one carve out a few minutes ahead of time to prepare yourself. Use these coping ideas to get ready for tough parenting moments.
 
 
Physical strategies for anxious symptoms:
 
  • Diaphragmatic Breathing
This helps with rapid heartbeat and butterflies in the stomach. Start with an exhale to make space for your next breath. Breathe in slowly for about 3 seconds through your nose pulling the air straight down into your stomach. Hold the breath for a second. Breathe out very slowly and audibly through your mouth for about 5 seconds.
 
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation
This involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in our bodies which helps relieve the tension we are holding. Start by squeezing both hands into fists and holding tight for 3 seconds then releasing them and dropping your arms by your sides. Go through the muscles in your arms, stomach, legs and feet. Also make sure to lift your shoulders up to your ears, hold and release. We carry a lot of tension in our upper back and shoulders. 
 
  • Stretching 
Raise your arms above your head, roll your shoulders forward and backward, lean your head side to side. Any stretch that helps you loosen up some of those tight muscles will be helpful.
 
  • Grounding with Senses 
There are tons of ways to ground using your 5 senses. You can find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. You can grab a piece of chocolate, a mint or gum. Then go through each sense before you pop it in your mouth and as you are chewing it. You can count how many things you can find of a certain color. Grounding keeps you present in the moment. It can also help get your thinking mind back in charge when emotions have taken over.
 
Cognitive strategies for boosting confidence:
 
  • Positive Self Talk
How we talk to ourselves (and our children) matters. Be kind to yourself. If you are thinking negative things about yourself, your child or your parenting work on thinking more positive things. Tell yourself you can do this, you are capable, you can handle this, you are a good person and a good parent. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have your own feelings come up, but that you can handle them.
 
  • Refocusing
Focus your thinking on something else on purpose. Remind yourself of the goals you have for your child, for yourself or for your parenting. Remind yourself of your strengths and your child’s strengths.
 
  • Imagery
The great thing about imagining yourself doing something with complete confidence and success is that our nervous system doesn’t know the difference between when we are imagining something in our head and truly experiencing it in real life (Bessel Van der Kolk). So, we can literally rewire our nervous system by picturing ourselves doing something exactly the way we want to do it. Picture every detail- what you will say, how you will say it, what your body language and facial expression will look like, and how it will feel.
 
 
If you forget to do these things ahead of time you can use some of these same strategies during the moment to regulate yourself as well. 
 
If you know you are doing something that worries your child, check your own thinking and scan your body for anxious symptoms. If you’re worried, try to get your own worry under control first. Use a couple of the ideas above. If you believe your child can do it (whatever “it” is) they will be more likely to be able to!
 
When it comes to defiant child behaviors it is often said that you should handle the problem behaviors right when they occur, however it is also important to tackle discipline calmly. If you start to find yourself dysregulated it is okay to step away and regulate yourself, and then step back into the situation on more even ground. When parents and caregivers take time to regulate in the moment it is great role modeling for your kids. It shows them that you are doing what you hope they will do too!
 
If your lacking confidence despite some of these ideas, it is also okay to “fake it till you make it” so to speak. Meaning even if you’re stressed and worried on the inside try to exude a calm air of confidence on the outside. Take some deep breaths and talk yourself through it and try to give off a calm, cool and collected vibe. If you do this, it’s important to make sure you have a time and a place to deal with those anxious feelings of your own outside of those moments. Rely on your support network, exercise or journal (or any other heathy outlets that work for you) to make sure you are taking care of your own emotions.
 
Remember to take it easy on yourself. Parenting is hard work under the best circumstances. When you are supporting kids with emotional or behavioral struggles it requires extra time and attention. Give yourself credit for all the hard work you do everyday to keep your kids, yourself and your family happy and healthy. 
 
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Teenage Self-harm Risk Factors: New Research By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

8/19/2021

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Self-harm, or deliberately cutting one’s self, is an unhealthy, unhelpful, and often dangerous coping mechanism, often used by teenagers. There is some new research out of the University of Cambridge that examines risk factors for using self-harm in the teen years. It is important to note that self-harm is not considered a suicidal behavior, but it a significant risk factor for subsequent suicide attempts. 

The Cambridge team identified adolescents who reported self-harm at age 14 in the United Kingdom. The full results are published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

The team identified two distinct subgroups among young people who self-harm, with significant risk factors present as early as age five, nearly a decade before they reported self-harming. While both groups were likely to experience sleep difficulties and low self-esteem reported at age 14, other risk factors differed between the two groups.

The first group showed a long history of poor mental health, as well as bullying before they self-harmed. Their caregivers were more likely to have mental health issues of their own.

For the second group, one of the key signs was a greater willingness to take part in risk-taking behavior, which is linked to impulsivity. Factors related to their relationships with their peers were also important for this subgroup, including feeling less secure with friends and family at age 14 and a greater concern about the feelings of others as a risk factor at age 11.

This research is so important because the findings suggest that it may be possible to predict which individuals are most at risk of self-harm up to a decade ahead of time, providing a window to intervene.  The results suggest that boosting younger children’s self-esteem, implementing anti-bullying measures, and providing advice on sleep training, may reduce levels of self-harm many years later. 

The research was supported by the Gates Cambridge Trust, Templeton World Charity Foundation, and the UK Medical Research Council.

Reference
Uh, S et al. Two pathways to self-harm in adolescence. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry; 14 June 2021; DOI: 10.1016/j.jaac.2021.03.010

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A Good (Enough) Start to the School Year by Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

8/10/2021

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​In the next few weeks children and teens will be returning to school. New expectations, different teachers, harder academic work, and navigating school social dynamics is a lot of change. This is going to be a transition to support. The tips below can help. For children or teens who have been virtually learning at home or those who frequently experience anxiety, it is particularly helpful to prepare and set them up for success before they enter the classroom.
 
Below are a few ways to support your child or teen during the transition back to school.
 
Explore general thoughts and feelings about returning to school.
 
  • Try NOT to suggest or offer emotions in your question (Are you scared? Are you worried?), but ask a general exploratory question, “How do you feel about going back to school?”. This allows the child or teen space to consider and respond.
 
  • Reflect and validate ANY feeling expressed. (“You said you are excited and nervous about going back to school. That makes sense/I can understand that”).
 
  • Along those lines…. Try not to minimize or dismiss what your child tells you. (“oh, there is nothing to be scared of”, “it will be great”). Not only is that invalidating to what your child said or what he or she is actually feeling; you cannot guarantee that it will be great or that there is nothing to be worried about. Different children will have different experiences, communication that allows open support and sharing is the goal.
 
  • If your child does express worry, make a list of worries (in order of smallest to biggest worry). Help develop an action plan to address worries that are within control and talk about strategies to help tolerate the anxiety that is associated with worries outside your/your child’s control. Reflect feelings and help children accept feelings. Problem solve when appropriate.
 
 
Make a list of Pros and Cons for Returning to School. 
  • Encourage a balanced list; write down what a child says without judgment or talking them out of their thought.
 
  • Also, guide acknowledging and adding potential positive and challenging aspects to the list that might be relevant and not expressed. (This can also be asked in an open-ended way that still allows a child to agree or not. “I wonder, if seeing your friends is something you are looking forward to” or “Sometimes 6th graders might have concerns about finding their way around a new building. Is that something you have thought about?).
 
Visit the School.
 
  • Drive to the school. A few times. Several times if your child is particularly nervous or expressing significant worry about going back.
 
  • You can even practice parking and getting out of the car to increase comfort.
 
Come up with a helpful phrase.
 
  •  Help your child/teen come up with a mantra or helpful statement or phrase before starting school. Repeat this statement often leading up to school. Demonstrate positive and balanced self-talk. Watch for catastrophizing statements to offer an alternative view or perspective.
 
  • If there is high anxiety, use this helpful phrase when you drive to the school. Model slow, calm deep breaths and repeat the phrase with your child (I can handle this, I am nervous and brave, but I can do this. Most people are feeling nervous and excited).
 
Model Calm and Confidence.
 
  • Do a self-check to make sure you are calm and demonstrating a relaxed demeanor when you are talking to your child about returning to school. Make sure if you calm and relax before any practicing driving to the school.
 
  • This does not mean denying feelings or dismissing concerns, only increasing self-awareness of your own concerns or anxiety. Find another adult or support to talk about your own anxiety or worry if needed.
 
“One of the most helpful things you can do is model calm, confident behavior, particularly while helping a child get ready for school. A child usually starts school no calmer than her least-relaxed parent.” https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-with-special-needs-go-back-to-school/
 
 
Set up a morning, afternoon, and bedtime routine.
 
  • Deciding on a reasonable schedule that allows a calmer morning, adequate sleep and time for homework and play/relaxation will help with the transition back to school.
 
  • Predictability facilitates safety and can lower anxiety. Consistent expectations for morning routine and practicing how to prepare in the evening and choose designated place for backpack/needed materials will help in the morning.
 
  • Creating and using written checklists together with your child/teen to promote independence that is age/developmentally appropriate will also help teach responsibility and reduce arguments and repeated reminders for morning or getting ready for bed. (Also, start earlier bedtime now to help with the adjustment if your child or teen has had late summer nights and sleeping in during the summer).
 
 
We hope that you enjoy your final weeks of summer. Give yourself and your child/teen more time, more encouragement, and less pressure in the transition back to school this year. Allow activities or extra time to let off steam after school or provide quiet to recover from the new daily school demands. All students will have to adjust. If your child is experiencing high separation anxiety, please reach out to a qualified therapist or your pediatrician. Let the school know so that the school counselor and staff can be sensitive to your child/teen’s needs and work with you to come up with a plan for drop off or if anxiety increases during the school day.
 
 
Websites for parents:
 
https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-with-special-needs-go-back-to-school/
https://gozen.com/separation-anxiety-dos-and-donts-to-help-your-child-and-you-be-brave/
https://www.understood.org/en/learning-thinking-differences/understanding-childs-challenges/talking-with-your-child/what-to-say-when-kids-with-learning-and-thinking-differences-dont-want-to-go-to-school

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The Importance of Chores for Kids at Any Age By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

7/22/2021

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    Not many people like doing chores, especially children but it is a necessary part of life. Some parents question whether they should make their children do any chores because they just want their kids to be kids or they don’t trust them to do it the “right” way. However, there are many benefits to children doing chores and these benefits will carry into adulthood. As parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to be successful when they grow up. Giving kids chores is one way to do that. 

    Chores help your children feel wanted, teach important life lessons, help ease the workload on parents, teach work ethic, responsibility, time management and self-reliance. They can help build up self-esteem and teach your children the importance of respecting and taking care of themselves, others and their possessions. 

    Some parents aren’t sure when they should start chores with their children and the good news is that you can start from age 2 on. It’s important to note that children are not always going to do the chores the way you may do them and that’s okay. The goal, especially with the younger children, is to teach them responsibility and to get them in the habit of helping out. While they are doing the task, make sure to give them a lot of praise and encouragement. If you are too critical of them or how they are doing it, then it will lower their self-esteem and make them have a negative association with chores. Below are some chores your children can do at each age. 

Toddlers (ages 2-3) (At this age, kids will need supervision)
  • Put their toys away
  • Fill up a pets food bowl
  • Place clothes in the hamper
  • Dust or wipe baseboards with socks on their hands (they’ll love this one)
  • Put books or magazines on shelves or tables
  • Help make the bed
  • Help set the table

Preschoolers (ages 4-5) (At this age, kids will not need supervision for everything)
  • Make their bed
  • Clear the table 
  • Pull weeds
  • Water flowers
  • Use a hand-held vacuum for some messes
  • Put away clean utensils
  • Help bring in light groceries
  • Sort laundry into different categories (whites or colors)
  • Match socks together
  • Dust with a cloth
  • Feed and water their pets

Primary Schoolers (ages 6-9) (At this age, they will need a lot less supervision)
  • Sweep floors
  • Help make lunches for school
  • Rake the yard
  • Clean their own bedrooms
  • Put away groceries
  • Load the dishwasher
  • Empty the dishes
  • Vacuum
  • Help prepare dinner with the parent
  • Make their own snacks/breakfast
  • Scrub the table after meals
  • Put away their own laundry
  • Walk the dog (with supervision)
  • Wet mop
  • Take out the trash or recycling

Middle Schoolers (Ages 10-13) (In addition to any of the tasks listed above…)
  • Wash the dishes or load the dishwasher
  • Wash the family car
  • Prepare easy meals without assistance
  • Wash their own clothes
  • Take the trash or recycling bins to the curb
  • Babysit younger siblings with parents at home

High Schoolers (Ages 14+) (In addition to any of the tasks listed above…)
  • Clean out the refrigerator
  • Help deep clean the kitchen 
  • Clean the bathroom including toilet, sink and shower
  • Babysit younger siblings without parents in the home (short periods for younger teens)
  • Mow the lawn
  • Care for pets, including walks
  • Make more complex meals
  • Accomplish small shopping trips alone once they get a license
  • Iron clothes
  • Help parents with simple home or auto repairs 

As a parent, it’s important to remember that your child will not always enjoy or like the chores or responsibilities that you give them. One way to help reduce some of the resistance is to give your children a choice in what they can do to help out. This is especially helpful as your children get older. If they feel like they have a choice it will help them resist less. However, no matter what the chore or responsibility they have, make sure to keep encouraging them and giving them positive feedback. 

Resources:
https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/chores/the-ultimate-list-of-age-appropriate-chores/#gs.5yiu7z

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out-outside-in/201908/why-chores-are-important-kids
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https://www.momentumlife.co.nz/stories/why-kids-should-have-chores

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A Better Way to Validate: AND not BUT By Kirsten Ellngsen, PhD

7/15/2021

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Validating “in the moment” feelings of a child or teen is a wonderful way to connect and strengthen a relationship. You are demonstrating empathy, building social-emotional development, and teaching compassion. You do not have to agree with the behavior, the interpretation of events, or even the appropriateness of an emotional reaction. The goal of validating is to help children feel heard, seen or understood.
 
Think about how you feel when a friend, spouse or partner acknowledges what you are experiencing emotionally, just allows you to have and express emotion (without judgement or unsolicited advice). Your perspective and experience are valued. It can help hard moments, even when no problems are solved or when issues are not necessarily “solvable”.
 
Simply reflecting the feelings and identifying the emotion in a situation can improve a person’s willingness to communicate and share thoughts that build closeness. Yet, consider how it feels to have another person recognize your feelings then right away point out what you could have done differently to prevent a difficult situation or undesired outcome. How it feels if someone dismisses or minimizes your feelings when an outcome was not in your control.
 
The act of acknowledging the feeling is the point here. Especially when a child or teen seems overwhelmed by emotion. Feelings pass. They change in intensity. They are not bad or right or wrong or need to be argued against. This is not the time for “teaching” for “correcting” or “scolding, I told you so”. When parents acknowledge and pause without a lecture or command, a remarkable emotional shift can happen. This can lead to better reflection, self-awareness, and future communication.
 
Step 1: Validate and Pause
 
  • Breathe slowly
  • Look at your child and try to see situation from his or her perspective
  • Calm your voice and tone
  • Calm and relax your face, your hands, let go of muscle tension to reduce intensity
  • Label and reflect the FEELING (sad, angry, scared, excited, frustrated)
  • Take a pause. (Wait and keep breathing calmly especially when the child is very upset. Minimize what you say- the more a child is upset the less you say here).
 
It is not always easy to calmly validate a child’s feelings or experience when a reaction does not seem reasonable or understandable to you. Just reflecting the feeling and trying to see it from the child’s perspective is the start. It sends the message that “I see you” and “I accept and can handle your emotions”.
 
This approach is particularly helpful when emotions are strong. When a child is very upset and when you, as a parent, might be triggered, tired, and surprised by a reaction. Sometimes this reflection and pause is enough. A child/teen has space to feel the feeling and can move on.  
 
Validating or reflecting feelings does not mean agreeing with behavior. It does not
mean accepting any reaction or not having expectations for appropriate actions. It also does not always mean understanding an emotional response. However, just repeating back and labeling the feeling calmly will often allow a more productive conversation about the reasons for the response. 
 
The child does not have to get his or her way for an unreasonable demand. Validating a feeling or emotional reaction to an experience does not mean allowing aggressive, hurtful, or destructive behavior. Consistent consequences and discipline might need to occur depending on the BEHAVIOR. Expectations for behavior and how to express strong emotions are essential for safety and helping a child learn to regulate and function well at home and school. When the behaviors are problematic then problem solving options and choices for how to manage strong emotions is needed later when everyone is truly calm.
 
Step 2: AND not BUT…. A helpful one-word switch
 
When a child is feeling angry, sad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, excited, happy etc. it is also important that validating the feeling state is not “invalidated” by the word “BUT”.  Consider how it feels when someone dismisses, minimizes, or ignores your expressed emotions.
 
Reflecting a child’s feeling then blaming the child is not comforting or relationship strengthening (e.g, “Oh, you burned your finger look sad, that must hurt, BUT I told you not to touch the hot stove, so…”). Dismissing a feeling can also occur with BUT (e.g., “You are feeling scared to get the shot, BUT it is no big deal” vs “You said you are feeling scared to get the shot, I know this is hard AND I know you can do it”. “You are disappointed that it is raining so you can’t meet your friends at the beach, BUT we can’t control the weather” vs “I see you are disappointed, AND I understand why, you were looking forward to being with your friends”. Telling a child what to do “you are feeling angry BUT you better calm down” vs “you are feeling angry AND that is hard. What can I do to help?”).
 
Using the word “AND” rather than “BUT” when validating a child’s feelings can shorten tantrums, reduce anger, encourage courage, and generally help regulate negative emotions faster. This is not the time to tell a child how to feel, to dismiss or minimize feelings. Try to take your child’s perspective before reacting.
 
Having rules and expectations for behavior is important. If emotions are expressed in aggressive ACTIONS, there should be a later opportunity to address underlying issues and problem solve, and to talk about behavior choices. (*Of course, if your child is behaving aggressive or you are having a hard time managing your reaction STEP AWAY to calm. Make sure child is SAFE (and remove potentially dangerous objects).
 
Having negative thoughts and emotions and learning how to express these productively will help build social emotional skills and resiliency. Validating the feelings and experiences of your child or teen will strengthen your relationship.  
 
For more about levels of validation see: https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/understanding-the-levels-of-validation#1
 
 
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The Hungarian Horntail: Anticipatory Anxiety (for Harry Potter Fans) By Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

7/6/2021

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Anticipatory anxiety is a common issue.  Anticipatory anxiety is often characterized by physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate, rapid pulse, shallow rapid breathing, stomachaches, headaches, and sweating, all of which arise when thinking about an upcoming event, as significant as a final exam or as simple as having to order your own ice cream.

Anticipatory anxiety tends to occur when one thinks about what may happen in a particular setting or situation (that hasn’t happened yet), with usually a negative outcome, which can then cause great anxiety.  For example, a child may think that there is no way they will pass this upcoming test and it is going to be the worst day of their life.  Then, cue the physical symptoms and behavioral issues (e.g. refusing to go to school).  

Most often, the anxiety leading up to the event is significantly worse than during the actual event. Even so, this is a hard concept for children (and adults!) to wrap their heads around.  I love using metaphors to help children (and adults!) understand these concepts and use them to challenge those catastrophic thoughts.

Here is one of my favorites:

Harry Potter is in his 4th year at Hogwarts.  Someone puts his name into the goblet of fire and he has to participate in challenges that he is not deemed old enough for.  Harry has two weeks until the first task, which is an eternity when anticipatory anxiety presents itself!  Harry “felt as though it [the first task] were crouching ahead of him like some horrific monster...He had never suffered nerves like these...Harry was finding it hard to think about the future at all. He felt as though his whole life had been leading up to and would finish with the first task”. 

Over the next two weeks, Harry is “feeling too queasy to eat”; his “brain filled with a sort of blank buzzing, which didn’t seem to allow room for concentration”; he “barely slept that night”; “he seriously considered for the first time ever just running away from Hogwarts”; “he finished his bacon with difficulty (his throat wasn’t working too well)”; “Harry felt oddly separate from everyone around him”; “it was a state of nervousness so advanced that he wondered whether he mightn’t just lose his head”; “Harry felt separate from the crowd as though they were a different species”; “horrible pictures formed in Harry’s mind”; he was “very aware of the way his heart was pumping fast and his fingers tingling with fear…..yet at the same time he seemed to be outside himself”; “he stood up, noticing dimly that his legs seemed to be made of marshmallow”; “the panic rising into a crescendo inside him”; “he was everything in front of him as though it was a very highly colored dream”.......

Cue the actual event that he has been dreading.  Harry now has to go head-to-head with the Hungarian Horntail dragon.  Harry has spent two weeks in a panic, not eating, not sleeping, feeling disconnected from the world, not being able to concentrate, and now…..

“He swung his leg over the broom and kicked off from the ground. And a second later, something miraculous happened…….he realized that he had left not only the gound behind, but also his fear…...his heart lighter than it had been in weeks”. 

Harry faced the Hungarian Horntail and it was not even remotely as bad as he thought it would be!  In fact, he knew exactly what to do and his body kicked right into action.  

This story is a great metaphor for children to help them understand how thinking about it ahead of time is usually way worse than the actual event. Talk to children about what Harry could have tried to challenge the thoughts and panic that he endured for those two weeks. Maybe Harry could have practiced positive self talk, deep breathing or used exercise to clear his mind.  The possibilities are endless and children will come up with amazing ways to help Harry. Then, they can finally understand how those same ideas could help them, too.  

References

Rowling, J. K., author. (2002). Harry Potter and the goblet of fire. New York :Scholastic.

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How To Make The Most of Summer With Your Kids By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

6/23/2021

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The last school year has been challenging for everyone, especially to your kids. They have had to learn how to adjust and readjust to how they are taught and how they learn. They have gone from virtual to in-person, maybe a few times. While kids are very resilient, they, like adults, need breaks and time to re-energize. For kids, the best way that they re-energize and release stress is through play. Below are ideas to help you and your children have fun and release stress throughout the summer. 

  • Set aside time daily to do something fun with your kids. 
    While many parents are still working throughout the summer, you can still take 10-30 mins to have some fun with your kids. Your children, especially the younger ones, will love any amount of time that you spend playing with them. Take advantage of the longer daylight hours and go play outside with your kids. 

  • Balance the time with structure and play.
    Children need structure to feel safe and secure. However, too much structure and rigidity can lead to anxiety and depression. So it’s important to find a balance. The structure part of the summer is having a fairly predictable schedule as to what’s going to be happening within the day or week. For example, having planned times for playing, down time, chores and summer reading. The balance part comes in with how much time you spend on each. During the summer, you don’t want to have your kids doing too many educational activities where they feel like they aren’t getting a chance to release their stress from the school year. However, you can find opportunities to help your kids learn through play. For example, take a long nature hike and try to identify as many animals, plants and trees as you can. Or do fun science experiments. Or go to aquariums, museums and zoos. 

  • Continue to restrict the use of technology.
During the school year, you were probably pretty strict with the use of technology. Now that it’s summer, you still want to restrict time spent on screens. While it’s okay to allow a little extra time for screens, you don’t want them to spend all day on it. Set up very clear expectations around how long your children can be on their devices. You may even need to add some parental controls to limit their time. 

  • Make a list of things you and your children want to do for the summer
    Get the family together and come up with a list of activities or places or goals that they’d like to do or accomplish throughout the summer. Identify the most important to them and start to do as many as possible. At the end of the summer, you can look back at all the things you’ve done. 

  • Try to do something new with your kids this summer. 
    Find something that you can do with your kids that you haven’t done before. Whether it’s going somewhere new, getting a pass to an amusement park or something as simple as going on bike rides as a family. No matter what it is, your kids will enjoy the experience and the memories that they are making. 

    No matter how you spend your summer, the best thing to do for your children is to have fun and play with them. Enjoy each other’s company and make memories. Below is a list of different ideas to help get you started on it. 

  1. Run a lemonade stand
  2. Make smores over a fire
  3. Go fishing
  4. Go to the drive in movies
  5. Stargaze
  6. Have a water fight
  7. Play tourist in a town you’ve never been to before
  8. Go on family bike rides
  9. Run through the sprinklers
  10.  Build an obstacle course inside or outside
  11. Play board games
  12. Garden
  13. Go to the aquarium, museum or zoo
  14. Go to the beach on the Atlantic side
  15. Try to go to a new Splash Pad each week
  16. Go camping even if it’s in your own backyard
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Reflecting on the past school year: Recognizing the good and good enough By Kirsten Ellingsen, PhD

6/10/2021

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Welcome Summer. Goodbye to the 2020-2021 school year. An academic year that started at home and online for many students and ended with some never returning to brick and mortar schools. There were new demands, challenges, and expectations for learning. Video instruction, technology glitches, masks, quarantine. Distance from friends, cancelled activities, postponed celebrations, as well as limitations on travel, social interactions, and time with extended family. New sources of stress. Navigating a “new normal”.
 
I have been inspired and impressed by the perseverance and effort of so many children, teens, and their parents during the Covid pandemic to complete this school year. I witnessed resiliency and sacrifice, loss, and connection. A focus on what is essential and letting go of what is not.
 
Take time to acknowledge all that you as a parent did to get here.  Recognize all your child or teen did to finish the school year.
 
Take time to reflect on these accomplishments in the light of a global pandemic with all the challenges, uncertainty, disappointment, fears, and frustrations. While the circumstances, resources and impact were unique for each family, there were new demands and difficult decisions for everyone. Even when there was gratitude and appreciation for more time together as a family, the change in caregiving, learning, and work demands truly required adjustment and flexibility at a whole new level.
 
As summer approaches, try to look back at the past year with compassion. Have compassion for yourself, your child or teen, their teachers, your family and friends.
 
Celebrate successes with a big picture perspective that also sees what it took each day to finish.
The standards might be different than in the past. Maybe it was a major academic accomplishment, courage demonstrated, relationships cherished, or moments that were enjoyed. Maybe it was getting “just enough” done each day to keep moving forward.
 
Allow space and time to adjust and return to previous life activities. Let yourself feel the positive and the negative from the past year. Acknowledge and accept disappointments. Be grateful for what was enjoyed and gained. Do a regular “self-check” to bring awareness to your own feelings and needs and model this self-care. Pay attention to the effects of chronic stress that might be felt more now as the school year ends and academic demands decrease.
 
Finally, recognize the good, the positive moments and good enough accomplishments without minimizing the impact of true grief or loss, trauma, or hardship. If there was loss, be aware of what is needed to grieve and be particularly mindful during anniversaries. Please seek support if you or your child are struggling with loss, having difficulty managing anxiety or depression, or if you could benefit from using more effective or healthier coping strategies.
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Child Anxiety 101 by Tara Motzenbecker, MS, NCSP

5/27/2021

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Tips on How to Build Self-Esteem in your Child By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

5/20/2021

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In order to be able to build self-esteem in your children, it’s important to know what it is and how much of a role it plays in people’s lives. Self-esteem is described as a person’s overall subjective sense of personal worth or value. It’s defined by many factors including self-confidence, feeling secure, identity, sense of belonging, and feeling competent. It plays a big part in influencing our motivation, our mental health, our decision making process, our relationships and our overall quality of life. To flourish, kids need to be able to believe in their own abilities as well as know how to manage it when they aren’t successful. Below are several ways in which you can help instill confidence and build self-esteem in your child. 

  • Model Confidence:
    Parents play a big role in how their children learn how to do all sorts of things. Your kids are constantly watching and learning from you on how to handle disappointments, try new things, and how to persevere through challenges. You don’t need to be perfect and you can acknowledge struggles or concerns but don’t dwell on them. Instead focus on the positives and what you can do and learn from the experiences. 

  • Avoid Dwelling on the Negative or Mistakes:
    It’s important to normalize making mistakes by being patient when they make a mistake. Embrace imperfection and how unattainable being perfect is. Don’t dwell on what went wrong but help your child identify what they could learn from it and then move forward. 

  • Encourage your child to try new things:
    It’s good for kids to have diversity in what they can do and what they have done. If all they do is the one thing that they excel at, they won’t feel confident to try different things that may be a challenge for them. Having multiple skills helps your child feel capable and confident that they can handle anything. 

  • Allow your child to fail:
    This may be very hard for some parents to do because you want to protect your child from getting hurt and feeling pain. But failing allows your child to realize that they will survive it and they will be able to learn how to manage setbacks. Through perseverance comes confidence.

  • Give your child responsibilities:
    When children participate in chores and have responsibilities, they develop a sense of purpose and accomplishment. This helps them feel valued and needed. When your kids participate around the house, praise them for their efforts and participate, even if it isn’t done perfectly well. 

  • Allow your child to explore their own interests:
    Your children are trying to develop their own identity and that may include activities or expression of self that’s not a part of your vision for their life. However, your child needs to learn what their own passion in life is. Their self-esteem will grow when they are able to see themselves accomplish new tasks and challenges that come with their passion. 

  • Model positive self-talk:
    As a parent you are a model for your child. They see how you interact with the world including how you manage frustration, setbacks and challenges. When you are struggling with a problem, say encouraging or calming words/phrases out loud so your child can hear how you are managing the situation. 
  • Encourage Independence:
    As your child gets older, let them do more and more on their own. Even if it takes longer for the tasks to get done. As they get into their middle school years, it’s important to let your child do more things that you normally would do for them. For example, figure out how to manage their time and school work, how to talk to teachers about problems, and how to make sure they have everything for school. If you continue to do things for them, they will start to believe that they can’t do anything for themselves or can’t do anything right. This quickly lowers their self-esteem. 

    As parents, we want our children to have high self-esteem but remember you aren’t perfect either so be patient with yourself. You may not always get it right and that’s okay. The most important thing is to let your child know that you love them no matter what. Your unconditional love will go a long way with bolstering your child’s self worth. 

Resources
https://childmind.org/article/12-tips-raising-confident-kids/
​
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-esteem-2795868

https://www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-build-strong-self-esteem-in-your-child-3953464

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    Parent and Child Psychological Services is a private practice serving children and families in the Sarasota, Florida area. The practice is owned and operated by Dr. Gibson, a Licensed Psychologist who is Board Certified in Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. ​

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