How Couples Can Manage Their Relationship During The Pandemic By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

Florida residents are several weeks into the stay at home order during this COVID-19 Pandemic. If you are living with your partner, then this means you are seeing each other a lot more than usual. For some couples, it means that tensions and frustrations are happening more often and seem inevitable. Couples are having to navigate through living in a confined space while also managing stressful situations including loss of employment or working from home, financial issues, child-care, helping children with school and many other new issues. All of this, coupled with the uncertainty of when this will end, leads couples to take out their frustrations and anxiety on each other. Below I will give you a few tips on how couples can help their relationship survive the pandemic. 

• Be more curious than furious. 

    Research has shown that in times of stress, partners try to solve the problems rather than listen to each other’s emotions. What you want to do instead is have one person be the speaker and the other person be the listener. As the listener, you are asking questions to gain more understanding into how your partner is feeling. This alone, has a tremendous impact on improving relationships. 

    In addition, it’s okay for your partner to not be “okay” or “okay” with the current situation. Couples aren’t necessarily going to agree on how to manage the pandemic. It doesn’t mean that one person is wrong and the other is right. When having a disagreement with your partner, do your best to try to figure out what they are really feeling and thinking rather than dismissing it. Use active listening in which you hear what they say and then say it back to them in your own words. This can help them clarify any misunderstandings but it also helps them feel heard. 

• Take a break.

While you love your partner, you may not want to spend 24/7 with them. Unfortunately, during the current situation, that may be the only option. So how do you take a break when you can’t leave? This requires you to schedule in some blocks of alone time. It may mean you “trade” time with your partner for it. One partner will watch the kids or take over the cooking while the other goes for a walk or goes to your room to read or watch T.V. And then you switch. 

When stress and anxiety are high, it leads to people having a decrease in their frustration tolerance. Be mindful of how you are reacting to your partner. If you are starting to get heated, then take a break. During that break, don’t think about the conversation with your partner but rather engage in self-soothing activities. Once you are calm and out of the “Flight or Fight” mode, return to your partner to continue the discussion. For some, you may need to take several breaks before the discussion is finished. Don’t let that discourage you. If you or your partner can’t discuss calmly, then you’ll never resolve the issue. 

• Remember to use “I” messages.

    When you need to tell your partner how you feel, using an “I” message is a great start. “I” messages allow you to express how you feel about an undesired behavior without being accusatory. For example, “I feel really defeated when I continue to find dirty dishes in the sink. Is there any way you could please help me out with this?” 
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    When using an “I” message your partner is able to really hear what you are saying without becoming defensive. This allows you to create less opportunities to be misunderstood or for your partner to feel attacked. 

• What’s your part in it? 

    If you find that you are in a continuous conflict with your partner, it’s important to ask yourself “what’s your part/role in it all?” Do you nag or pursue your partner endlessly? Do you shut down and not engage when there’s any disagreement? Once you can acknowledge what part you play in the conflict, then you can begin to act accordingly. For example, what happens if you respond to your partner’s anxiety with compassion instead of walking away annoyed? What happens when you share your feelings with your partner instead of getting angry with them that they aren’t helping enough? 

• Acknowledge each other’s strengths.

   During this stressful time, it’s important to acknowledge each other’s strengths. What skills does your partner have that you haven’t seen before or have really come to light during this time? Notice their strengths and let them know how much you appreciate them for it. Research has proven that acknowledging your partner’s strengths helps the relationship by creating more good feelings between you two. 

While these tips will help you and your partner’s relationship, it’s important to note that nothing is perfect. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you both begin to make these changes. It will not happen overnight. It’s also important to make sure you are acknowledging each other’s efforts at making change. Compassion goes a long way during times of stress. 

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