How to Correct your Child without Criticism By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

As you know, being a parent is not easy and it’s especially difficult when we don’t see the effects of what we do right away. One thing we know for sure is that our words are powerful and have a lasting effect on our children. This is why it’s important to learn how to correct your child without criticizing them. But, most parents know this and still struggle with implementing it. So why does this happen? Well, one reason is because sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between disciplining our children and criticizing them. This is especially true if our children make the same mistakes over and over again. Due to our own frustration, we tend to let our emotions take over and then criticize. Below are some ways to help correct your child without criticizing them. As with learning anything new, it takes practice so be patient with yourself as you're implementing these new strategies. 

• Seek to understand

Try to find the reasons behind your child’s behaviors. Listen to what they say and validate their feelings. Keeping in mind that validating doesn’t mean that you have to agree with them. It just means that you believe that they truly feel the way they do. Once a child feels validated and heard, they are more likely to listen and not become defensive. 

• Don’t take their behaviors personally.

Your child is learning about the world around them and learning how to behave in the world. All kids make mistakes and all kids make the same mistakes more than once. If children don’t make mistakes, then they can’t learn how to prevent it from happening again. If we want our children to learn from us, then we need to give feedback in a way that will make them want to listen, not shut down. 

• Focus on what you want them to do

Instead of saying “Don’t run in the house” you want to say “Please walk in the house”. By stating what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do, children will learn to comply with your expectations sooner because you told them exactly what you want them to do. 

• Have realistic expectations

Remember that young children have tantrums. They are still learning how to regulate their emotions and this takes several years. It’s normal for kids to not want to share or to spill things or to not pick up after themselves. If you go into these situations knowing that they are normal then you’ll get less frustrated with them and be more compassionate and patient. 

• Separate mistakes from your child

While you need to tell your child what they did wrong, you don’t want to identify who they are with their mistakes. Make sure when you are talking to them that you are correcting the behavior not your child. Avoid saying “Why do you always do this?” or “What’s wrong with you?” 

• Catch your child being good

One of the best ways to get your child to do more of what you want them to do, is to praise them specifically and enthusiastically whenever they do it. Children love praise and they especially want to receive praise from their parents. Every time they share, say “Great job sharing with your sibling/friend”. Every time they stay calm when you tell them no, say “Thank you for staying calm when I said ‘no’.” 

Remember, you are only human and will make mistakes too. So have some compassion with yourself and don’t criticize yourself when you forget these strategies. Just own your mistake, apologize to your child and try again. 

References:
https://www.creativechild.com/articles/view/how-to-discipline-your-child-without-criticism
https://www.heysigmund.com/kids-and-criticism-heres-what-happens-and-what-to-do-instead/

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