How to Talk to Kids About Race and Racism By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

​With all the events going on in our country recently, you may be wondering how to talk to your children about it. Some parents may be wondering at what age I should talk to my children about race. Some may be unsure of how much to share with their children. And others may not know what to say or how to start the conversation. No matter what your concerns or hesitation is with talking to  your children, the fact of the matter is that it’s very important and crucial to talk to them about it. If not, then your children will learn about it through their peers and community and they may get very inaccurate information. To help you out, I’ve put together a few tips on how to teach and discuss race and racism with children. 

1. Learn more about the subject. The more you know and are educated about race and racism, the more comfortable you will be with talking about it. Read books about race and racism. Have conversations with those of a different race than you. Ask thoughtful questions. Then once you have learned more, practice what you would like to say to your children. 
   
2. Be aware of your own bias. Children pay the most attention to your behavior. Pay attention to how you act around those of a different race then you. Do you act afraid of those that are different? Do you surround yourself with only people of the same race? Do you put those of a different race into a stereotype? You can talk to your children all you want about race and racism but if your behavior doesn’t line up with your words, they will not listen. 
   
3. Help your child navigate their curiosity. Children notice differences at a young age and are curious about the differences but they don’t put any value on it until they notice how parents and the world react. Often when children ask questions about the differences they notice in others, parents tend to shush their children due to it “not being polite” to bring up race. However, this is a great opportunity to have a conversation about the differences and to guide and teach your child. Ask questions to gain clarification on what they are truly trying to say. Oftentimes, they are not trying to judge others but rather just want to know why there are differences. 
   
4. Make it relatable. Children oftentimes talk about how things are “unfair”. And because of this, using “unfairness” is a great way to explain to your children about racism and systemic racism. Another way is to use the string activity to explain it. Take out some string and have the child make a web around a room with it. Then ask them to untangle it. They will likely find it harder to untangle the string then to make the web. Use this to talk about how making society fair is a lot like untangling the web. 
   
5. Be open about addressing mistakes. As hard as we all try, mistakes still will happen. If someone says something offending, it’s important to keep in mind their experience probably does not include your experience. So what do you say and tell your children to say to someone when they are offended? Try saying “tell me more.” By saying “tell me more”, you are inviting a conversation to happen and gives the other person the opportunity to explain their viewpoint. If your child is the one that says something offensive, teach them to listen to why the other person was offended. Then they can offer a sincere apology and ask the person what they can do or say in the future in order to not offend them. 
   
6. Read books about different races. Storytelling is a great way to help kids learn about different cultures and differences between people. While reading the books, stop periodically and ask questions about what they think about the differences and similarities. 
   
7. Teach your kids how to become an advocate and ally. Teach them when it’s time to speak up and when it’s time to listen. Teach them how to stand up for themselves and others respectfully. Teach them how to engage in conversations with others and be open to changing how they say or do something if it’s offensive. 
   

Race and cultural differences will never go away. It will always be present. It’s never too late to start talking about race and racism. Below are a few books to help begin the discussion with your children. 

• Sulwe -- Lupita Nyong'o (Author) and Vashti Harrison (Illustrator)
  
• Whose Knees Are These? -- Jabari Asim (Author) and LeUyen Pham (Illustrator)
  
• The Day You Begin -- Jacqueline Woodson (Author) and Rafael López (Illustrator)
  
• Little Leaders: Bold Black Women in History -- Vashti Harrison
  
• My Hair is a Garden -- Cozbi A. Cabrera
  
• Amazing Grace -- Mary Hoffman
  
• All Are Welcome -- Alexandra Penfold (Author) and Suzanne Kaufman (Illustrator)
  
• Mufaro's Beautiful Daughters: An African Tale -- John Steptoe
  
• She Persisted: 13 Women Who Changed the World -- Chelsea Clinton (Author) and Alexandra Boiger (Illustrator)
  
• Chocolate Me! -- Taye Diggs (Author) and Shane W. Evans (Illustrator)
  
• Little People, Big Dreams: Harriet Tubman -- Maria Isabel Sanches Vegara
  
• Everyone Matters -- Pat Thomas
  
• Happy in Our Skin -- Fran Manushkin
  

---