Teen Dating Violence Part 2: How to prevent it and respond to it By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

As a parent or caregiver to a teen, you’re a vital part of helping them develop healthy relationships and build up their confidence in order to leave unhealthy ones. During the pre-teem and teen years, it’s important to help your child learn the skills needed to create and maintain healthy relationships. This includes learning how to communicate and manage feelings in a healthy and appropriate way. As a parent or caregiver, you want to start conversations with your child. You want to include the basic, healthy elements of a relationship in the conversation, i.e.: respect, communication, trust, boundaries, honesty and equality. 

Discussion points for pre-teen and teens prior to dating:

• Teach about consent:
  • Consent means asking for permission to do something and accepting the answer. 
  • Give examples of consent that are relatable to them. 
  • Help your child practice asking for consent and accepting rejection in everyday ways
  • Teach them how to ask for consent
  • Model asking for consent
• Talk Openly 
  • Children get a lot of different messages about relationships from TV shows, movies, social media and friends. Be involved, as much as you can, with the different shows they watch or the people they follow. Use moments from the shows and who they follow, to have a conversation about what they think about what happened in it or what that person did.
  • Let your child know that they can come to you with questions about relationships.
  • Answer their questions honestly and encourage them to continue to have conversations about respect and safety.  
• Talk about dating
  • Ask, “what do you look for in a dating partner?” 
    • Treats you with respect
    • Understand your needs and individual goals in life
  • Discuss how it’s okay to disagree in relationships as long as they feel they can have an open and honest conversation about their feelings.
  • Discuss the need for them to be able to freely express themselves, share their opinions and make decisions that are best for them. 
  • Discuss how a partner will respect what they wear, who they see and where they go. 
  • Discuss how they would feel and what they would think if the person they are dating asked them to stop doing something that they loved. 
    • Discuss how in a healthy relationship a partner will support their hobbies, friendships, family and coworkers. 
    • Give examples of what an unsupportive partner would look like. I.e.: make you stop a sport or club, tell you to stop seeing friends or family, or pressure you to skip class or work. 
  • Discuss boundaries around money.
    • Who should pay for things?
    • How often do you pay for things?
    • Do you feel pressured to pay for or buy things?
  • Discuss boundaries in general
    • How often should you call/text/contact your partner?
    • What do you do if your partner wants space?
    • What do you do if your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries?
    • Discuss not only physical boundaries but also emotional and digital boundaries. 

If you suspect that your pre-teen or teen is currently involved in an unhealthy relationship it’s important to know how to start the conversation and support them. Starting the conversation is one of the best ways to help create a safe space for your child to share their experiences and ask for support. Important points to keep in mind when having the conversation include:

• Give support: Teens fear that their parents will overreact, blame them or be angry. It’s important to be supportive and non-accusatory or judgmental about the relationship. You can ask your child how they want to be supported and how you can help. 
• Validate, empathize and create a space where they feel safe: If your teen tells you they feel like their partner is pressuring them to do things they don’t want to do, you can respond by saying “That sounds like a really hard thing to go through. Feeling like you're not being respected and forced to do something can bring up all kinds of difficult emotions. What happens when you try to talk to them about it?” 
  • Let them know that their feelings are valid, boundaries are healthy, and respect is important in a relationship. 
• Accept what they are telling you: It’s important to believe them, even if what they are telling you is hard to hear. If you show skepticism or disbelief, it can make them feel unsupported and isolated. Tell them, “thank you for being honest. I believe you and what you’re describing sounds like unhealthy behavior which could lead to abuse - what you are feeling is valid.” 
• Talk and focus on the behaviors, not the person involved: Remember that your teen may still have feelings of love, connection or compassion for their partner and this is normal. Instead of saying, “Your partner is controlling you”, say “The behaviors you’re describing sound very unhealthy.” 
• Avoid ultimatums: Resist the urge to tell them to break up with their partner. This will only cut them off from support and they may be less likely to trust that you’re a safe person to talk to in the future. 
• Decide on the next steps together: Ask them what they feel comfortable doing next, what can you do to support them and what would be helpful. 
• If you believe that there is a need to take immediate action due to safety, you reach out to create a safety plan and speak with advocates www.loveisrespect.org/personal-safety/create-a-safety-plan/. 

https://www.loveisrespect.org/supporting-others-dating-abuse/

www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/teendatingviolence/fastfact.html

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