Teen Dating Violence: What does it look like? Part 1 By Rachel Funnell, LMFT

Teen dating violence is never a subject that parents want to even think about or even believe could affect their child. However, it affects millions of teens in the US. The following are some statistics to give you some perspective. 

• Data from CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey reported that among US high school students who reported dating during the 12 months before the survey:
  • 1 in 12 experience physical dating violence
  • 1 in 12 experienced sexual dating violence. 
• The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) reported:
  • Over 71% of women and over 55% of men first experienced intimate partner violence (sexual or physical violence, and/or stalking) under the age of 25.
  • One in four women first experienced intimate partner violence prior to the age of 18.
  • Over 80% of women and over 70% of male rape victims experienced their first completed or attempted rape under the age of 25.
  • Sexual violence is usually committed by someone the survivor knows. Over 28% of girls who experienced sexual violence under the age of 18 were raped by a current or former intimate partner.
  • Youth who experience sexual violence as children or teens are more likely to experience sexual violence in adulthood. Thirty-five percent of women who were raped as minors were also raped as adults, compared to 10% of women raped as an adult who were not raped as minors.

​These statistics are very sobering and it poses the question “How do I know if my teen is experiencing teen violence?” First, it’s important to know exactly what teen dating violence is. It’s defined as a pattern of coercive, intimidating or manipulative behaviors used to exert power and control over a partner. According to the CDC, this includes the following:

1. Physical violence: a person hurts or tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using another type of physical force.
2. Sexual Violence: forcing or attempting to force a partner to take part in a sex act and/or sexual touching when the parenter doesn’t consent or is unable to consent or refuse. It also includes posting or sharing sexual pictures of a partner without their consent or sexting someone without their consent. 
3. Psychological aggression: use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm a partner mentally or emotionally and exert control over a partner. 
4. Stalking: pattern of repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a current or former partner that causes fear or safety concern for an individual victim or someone close to the victim. 

Most parents might think to themselves, “I would know if my teen was in an abusive relationship.” However, some of the warning signs may not be as obvious as one would think. Teen dating violence and abuse could look like any of the following:

• A partner checking your teens phone, email or social media accounts without their permission
• A partner putting down your teen frequently, especially in front of others
• A partner isolating your teen from friends or family this could be physically, financially, or emotionally
• A partner having extreme jealousy or insecurity (accusing your teen of cheating all the time)
• A partner having explosive outbursts, temper or mood swings
• A partner being possessive or having controlling behavior (monitors where they go, who they call or who they spend time with)
• A partner pressuring your teen or forcing them to have sex
• A partner that punishes your teen by withholding affection
• A partner that expects your teen to ask permission before doing things
• A partner yelling or screaming at your teen
• A partner gaslighting your teen by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to them
• A partner constantly texting or calling your teen and/or making them feel like they can’t be separated from their phone
• A partner showing up at place uninvited 
• A partner leaving unwanted items, gifts, or flowers
• A partner using social media to track your teens activities
• A partner blaming your teen for abusive or unhealthy behaviors 
• A partner threatening suicide if your teen doesn’t stay with them

It’s important to also be aware of changes in your teens' behaviors or appearance. Other warning signs to look for include:

• Unexplained marks, bruises or injuries
• Depression or anxiety 
• Decreased interest in extracurricular activities or other interests
•  Isolation from other friends and family
• Changes in appearance including clothes, makeup or hairstyle

As a parent, this is a scary topic to talk about but it’s one that is extremely important to discuss. The more that you are aware of what to look for, the better chance you can help your child get out of this relationship. It’s also important to be proactive with your teens. Talk to them about the warning signs and the difference between a healthy and an abusive relationship. Teach your teens how to set healthy boundaries with others as well as how to be respectful and appropriate when dating. The more prepared your teen is, the better chance that they will not get into or stay in an abusive relationship or even be the one being abusive. 

References

https://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics-for-healthy-relationships/dating-101/

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/teendatingviolence/fastfact.html

https://www.nsvrc.org/blogs/teen-dating-violence-prevention-resources-2022

www.dvs-or.org/what-is-domestic-violence

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